Our adoption story: How do you say NO?

Quickly after we were officially active with American Adoptions we began receiving emails about birth mothers and if it was ok to show our profile to them.

All of the questions we answered on the Adoptive Parent Questionnaire (APQ) as to what we preferred in a little baby, boy/girl, drug/alcohol use that we were comfortable with, medical and social history preferences, mental health issues within the immediate and distant family members etc, were all entered into a database.  The birth mothers filled out questionnaires about what they were looking for in adoptive parents and this too was entered into a database. Then a search would be run and if there was a match our profile was automatically shown to the birth mother with out saying anything to us. If there was a birth mother that we matched on everything but maybe 1-2 items, such as the budget for the adoption being a little more than we said we could do or mental health issues in the family etc, then we would get an email asking if they could show our profile.

When we would receive the emails asking if our profile could be shown, we were given more detailed information on the birth mother and her situation so that we could make the best informed decision as to have our profile shown or not. Often times I would get the email, forward it to Rich at work and then call him right away (or as soon as I could) to discuss it. I wanted to be able to say yes as soon as possible.

Sadly there were some situations that were just too far outside of our comfort zone. Some mental health issues in immediate family, or even the birth mother, that we didn't know if we could handle should our child have them. There were also some drugs, even prescribed ones. that after reading the potential birth defects for babies whose mothers were taking these medications during pregnancy could have, we just were not comfortable having our profile shown.

It may seem selfish but, with adoption, you have to know where your comfort zone lies. if you are comfortable with a biracial child, if you are comfortable raising a child who's race is completely different than your own, potential medical or health problems they could be born with etc. This seems selfish because if you are able to conceive on your own some of these "possibilities" are out of your control and you have to roll with the punches once the baby is born. In adoption you do have the ability to say  no to some of these possibilities, and we did.

We had several emails from the agency asking if our profile could be shown. There was always that excitement thinking "this could be the one" or "this could be the birth mother who is carrying our baby" and even "by ___ date, we could be holding our little bundle of joy". I always had the butterflies of excitement in my tummy when I would see an email from the adoption agency, I would check my email several times a day just to see if there was anything from our social worker.

The hardest part was saying no. I don't know how many of the emails we said "No" to compared with how many we said "yes" to but it never was easy. It was gut wrenching every time I had to respond and say we weren't comfortable with having our profile shown. I couldn't help but have an overwhelming feeling of "what if we just said no to the child that was meant to be ours?" or "will we ever bring home a baby?". It was not easy saying that we didn't want our profile shown and I always felt guilty doing so. I know our agency has 200+ families they are working with and that somewhere there will be a family that says yes to having their profile shown but it didn't lesson the guilt.

Rich and I would often have the conversation about not wanting to say "yes" to having our profile shown just because we wanted a child so desperately. This was hard for me. I wanted a child so bad that I wasn't thinking about what we, as a couple, were comfortable with and what we weren't comfortable with. I think I was approaching each situation from an emotional place that Rich wasn't. He is the logical, more rational person in our relationship (which is good, don't get me wrong) and I am the emotional basket case. The adoption process was way more emotional and heart breaking than I ever imagined and each and every time we had to say no my heart broke more and my hope and faith that we would be parents died little by little.

How do you say "no"? It never became any easier, in the year + that we were working with American Adoptions, never was it easy to say no. Not only was it not easy to say no, it never really felt like the "right" thing to do. Again, I think was the emotional side of me that couldn't get past the "what if this is THE one" thought. That's just it, it was a thought...a FEAR. A very real fear of not ever being chosen as adoptive parents and never being able to have the family we both desperately wanted. With each "no" the feeling of guilt grew stronger. Guilt that I was never going to be able to provide my husband with a child to love and play with and teach how to wrestle. Guilt that this was all my fault, had he found someone else who could have children that he would be happier and already have a family. Each time we would talk about adoption and how we were getting discouraged, the topic of age would come up. I could see in Rich's face that he felt he was getting old, too old to raise a child, especially if it was going to take much longer.

Though Rich has never once blamed me, and has always been quick to discourage these feelings of guilt, I couldn't help it. I felt like I was the reason we hadn't yet started a family. Though he was well aware that I couldn't have children, since our first date, it wasn't easy for me not to blame myself and wonder if he wished things were different. If he wished he had married someone else who could conceive children. Rich has NEVER made me feel this way, it was always my own fears and self confidence issues that were rearing their ugly heads, not Rich. It is the emotional Scorpio side of me.

We continued to receive emails, weekly (or so it seemed). Some we would say yes and have our profile shown and then sit and wait and wonder if we would be picked. Then we would receive an email from the agency and, with butterflies in my stomach, I would open them and see that another family had been chosen. Some emails we would say no to and our agency was always understanding. It was refreshing to have such a great and communicative agency but it never became easier in saying no to some and, likewise, it never became less exciting to see an email from the adoption agency or to be able to say yes to some of the birth mothers we were presented with.

Sadly, the timing was beginning to not look or feel right, and the feeling of "this isn't going to happen" was overwhelmingly painful.