Our Adoption Story: THE call

Rich and I went about our week and were very much anticipating our upcoming travel to Florida to meet our son. All day on Friday I had butterflies in my stomach. I can't explain it but I KNEW our birth mom was going to deliver early. My fear with this was that we wouldn't be able to make it in time for delivery and she would change her mind and decide to parent. I had many nightmares where this happened and it was my biggest fear. We were so close this time but still, anything could happen.

I worked all day, butterflies and all. After I got home I immediately walked upstairs and into our closet. I was pulling down a shirt I wanted to pack when my phone rang. It was her. Dana, our birth mom, was calling to tell me that she was in labor and was on her way to the hospital. I explained that we would call the airlines and see what the earliest flight we could take was and that I would keep her posted.

After hanging up I called Kathie, our social worker with the adoption agency, and had a moment of freak out. She didn't answer her phone so I left a message. I told her that we received the call and that I was freaking out and afraid we wouldn't be able to get there. I then called Rich to tell him, he was just moments from the house.

When he came in he jumped on the phone with the airlines to see what could be done and if there were any other flight possibilities. I freaked. I mean, I FREAKED when they said they couldn't get us out that night. Well, they could have gotten us out of Albuquerque and into Chicago but Chicago was experiencing a snow storm and the chances of us getting out of Chicago were grim. They could have flown us to California but we would have had to be at the airport in 30 mins, travel all night and still not arrive in Florida until the next afternoon. The flight they could get us on left the next morning at 7a and got us to Florida at 2p, and hour before the flight that routed us through California. So we booked those tickets, told our birth mom and hit the ground running. 

The next couple of hours were a blur. We went to Carter's, Target, Babies-r-Us, the mall and finally sat down to eat at Red Robin around 8:30p.  While we were eating my phone buzzed. the very first picture of our son came in. Tears immediately sprung to our eyes. He was the most beautiful baby we had ever seen, even still being all slimy. It took us a moment to catch our breath. This was really happening, we were finally going to be parents and would be holding our baby in less than 24 hours. It was all so unreal.

Our Adoption Story: IT'S A MATCH

On Wednesday morning I was sitting at work and going about my day when my phone rang. It was Kathie telling us it was a match, we were officially selected by Dana, our birth mom, she had made it official that morning and we were clear to start making travel arrangements.

So much emotion, excitement and nervousness. I couldn't get the fear of  'what if she changes her mind' out of my head. I think this is a natural fear of all adoptive parents but after a failed adoption just a couple months ago, my fear was very much burning a hole in my stomach.

I was so excited to call Rich and tell him. This was it, we would soon be holding our little guy and our lives would be forever changed. I could not believe this was finally happening. After all this time and after all we had been through we were finally going to be a family, our dream was finally becoming a reality.

Later that night Rich and I began to book everything for our trip to Jacksonville. We booked our airline tickets, thankfully we had enough airline miles that we only had to pay $20 for the round trip airfare. We booked our hotel, an extended stay place so that we would have a stove top to be able to cook some of our meals and save on eating out. We then booked our rental car. Things were booked, confirmation numbers saved and anxieties at an all time high.

After work, Rich and I made a list of all the things we needed to get and do before we left on Monday. We needed blankets, clothes, something for the baby to sleep in, bottles etc. WE HAD NOTHING. We had the whole weekend to get this all done but the list was made and ready to be tackled on Saturday.  Rich and I were just a few days away from being a family!

Our Adoption Story: Phone call day = Crazy day take 2

As predicted, I didn't sleep much that Monday night. Tuesday morning I was excited but nervous all at the same time. We were set to have our call with Kathie at lunch time, she would explain what the phone call would look like with the birthmother. What things to talk about with her and what topics to stay away from.

I went to work as per usual and tried to not let on that anything big was going down later that day. When I walked into the building, everything was hunky dory and normal, until the elevator door opened on my floor. My first thought was "that wasn't me!". This disgusting, stomach turning smell hit me smack in the face. I walked through the front door and our agency administrative assistant looked at me, and my scrunched up face, and said "I know, it wasn't me". So GROSS. Turns out that, despite pleads from our building asking for notice, that Chipotle next door had cleaned out their grease traps and it had polluted our building air intake. It was so bad our boss sent us to work from anywhere that had wifi. Corina and I packed up our laptops and headed for Satellite coffee to take advantage of their wifi and enjoy a tasty beverage at the same time. It was supposed to be a low key day for me, time to get caught up on board report numbers and interpreter requests.

As we were sitting in Satellite my boss emails me, she had stayed in Santa Fe over night because there were more legislative events happening on Tuesday but there were supposed to be interpreters provided for it so I wasn't needed down there. The email says that she needs me in Santa Fe by 1:00, it was 11. I was not dressed for legislation events. I had to RUSH home, 25 minutes away, and change clothes and hit the road. I was angry because I was afraid I would miss my call with Kathie or that I would lose cell service being on the road on my way to Santa Fe.

I made it home, changed clothes and hit the road. I had spoken with my boss and let her know I was on my way but that I MUST be back in Albuquerque by 4:30, no exceptions.  She didn't see this as being a problem at all so off I went.

As I hit the highway my phone rang, it was Kathie. Once I was on the phone she got Rich on the phone and began explaining everything to us. With each passing "do" and "don't" the butterflies in my stomach fluttered more and multiplied in number. I was so nervous when Kathie told us she would not be on the phone call with us. UMM WHAT? Rich and I have to go this alone? Holy Cannoli. I needed a safety net, cuz I was bound to screw this up on my own.

We made it through the call, without losing cell service, and were all set for the phone call. Kathie was emailing me the phone number to call that evening. How was I going to make it through the day?

I arrived in Santa Fe, there was a lot of hurry up and wait. I was growing more and more frustrated as all I wanted to do was be in Albuquerque to ensure that Rich and I were home in time to make this call, a call that had great potential to change our lives. As the afternoon ticked by, I was getting more and more anxious and increasingly frustrated as we were waiting and waiting and waiting for the Senator that requested the meeting to arrive. She eventually did and then we went into the session. Despite their being 7 interpreters, my boss wanted me to stay and interpret the legislative session, so I did. All went well and was over and I was in my car and back on the road to Albuquerque buy 3:30. I FLEW home.

Shortly after I arrived home, so did Rich. We were nervously "ready" for our call.  As time ticked by, I thought I was going to pass out with nerves. I didn't know how we were going to get through this call. I don't recall ever being THAT nervous in my life. This was it, the moment we had been waiting almost 3 years for.

A few minutes after 5:00, I dialed the number Kathie had given us. The phone rang and rang, no one answered. This made me even more nervous, had she changed her mind? Rich said to wait a few minutes and try again. I didn't have to try again because my phone rang and it was her.

The phone call didn't last long, about 20 minutes (which Kathie had said was average and to be expected). There were a few awkward silence moments but it wasn't too bad. I think we were all nervous. Questions were asked about if we wanted to be there for the birth, since it was a scheduled c-section. Of course we wanted to be there, if she wanted us to be there. The birthmothers mom got on the phone, she had some questions for us too. She wanted to make sure that we were going to love this little baby, a baby boy, and protect him. We tried to reassure her as best we could and tried to be open and honest as much as we could.  I explained that we would not only love and protect this little boy but that he would know how amazing and selfless his birth mom was, how she loved him so much that she wanted a better life for him than she could provide and so she picked us to raise him.

When we hung up the phone we had made arrangements. We were going to fly into Jacksonville on Monday afternoon and meet her and her mom for dinner. We would then be with her on Tuesday morning as she went in for her C-section. All was looking good. Almost too good. After the phone call ended, Rich and I just held each other and cried. This was it, this felt so different than the situation in November. We were going to have our baby, and we were going to meet him in less than a week. We were in shock, we were thrilled, we were scared.

We called Kathie to let her know how the phone call went. She asked "Well, how'd it go?" I said "we made plans to meet for dinner on Monday." We all laughed as Kathie said "I'd say it went pretty well then!"  It was all so surreal, so exciting and so nerve racking because we were not yet in an "official" match. This birthmother still had to make it official and say that she picked us as the adoptive family.

Another sleepless night was ahead for sure!

Our Adoption Story: Crazy busy day

So, I know its been a while. This move was crazy, that's a blog for another day, but we are finally (mostly) settled and now I can get back to this. So here it goes:

Monday February 4, 2013 I was walking out of my office, with my boss, to head down to Santa Fe for the legislative session. It was going to be a long day and we would be working well into the evening hours.

As we were walking out of the office building my phone rang. I recognized the number as being our adoption agency so I answered it. When I answered they asked if it was a good time to talk, what was I going to say? I explained that I was getting in the car and about to hit the road so if we were disconnected they knew I hadn't just hung up on them. They proceeded to tell me that the birthmother, the one they had asked us about last week, wanted to talk with us. My heart jumped into my throat. I didn't know what to say, this had never happened before. They asked if that evening was a good time but with me working in Santa Fe all day, and our scheduled slot with the legislators not being until that evening, it was going to be a late phone call. I explained this to them, and with the birthmother living in Florida, and the 2 hour time difference, I didn't expect it to happen.

They said they would ask her if that evening, and the time I would finally be free and able to talk with her, would work and let me know. I was on pins and needles all day. It was so hard not to get excited because we still didn't really know if she would be able to talk to us or when. With the pressure of my assignment that day, I was going stir crazy. I was glad I had work to focus on, it didn't stop me from checking my phone every 5 minutes but still.

Sometime that afternoon I received a call from Kathie, she had to leave a message because I could not answer my phone. She said that the birthmother would not be able to speak with us that night because it would be too late. I completely understood, it would have been 10:00pm her time. What woman, being 9 months pregnant, would be awake and able to have a conversation at that hour?! So Kathie had set it up for the next day at 5:00p.  I was so nervous but so very excited to talk to Rich and tell him.

Adoption was so close, we could taste it. But would this be a repeat of November? Would she speak to us and not like us? Would she decide that she wanted to parent? Would we be heart broken all over again?

I didn't get home from Santa Fe until late that evening, 9:00 I think. The whole way home I was nervous, butterflies in my stomach and prayers in my heart. This was going to be a long evening, probably filled with sleepless fears.

Our Adoption Story: More Birthday Wishes?

Rich and I both went to work the morning of his birthday, Jan 30. We had plans with some of our good friends for dinner that night to celebrate his birthday. It was going to be a good day.

While at work I got a call from our agency. Kathie was calling because they had a birthmother that was due very soon and looking for a family and was having trouble finding one she liked. From what they were seeing, and what she was saying she wanted, they thought we would be a good match for her.

I was very excited, hopeful and still very guarded and trying to keep my feelings in check. I didn't want to get too excited before knowing more and before talking with Rich. I was also at work and Rich and I had decided not to tell anyone anything until we had the baby in our arms. I was trying not to let on what was going on and who I was on the phone with etc. This is hard to do when you share an office, but I think I was able to pull it off to a certain extent.

I spoke to Kathie for a while and then called Rich. It was hard because this situation seemed to be perfect, but the expenses for this adoption were more than we could comfortably afford. This is the same situation that we were presented with a couple of weeks ago and had to walk away from, for this very reason. Rich and I spoke and he gave me a top number for us. I emailed Kathie with a couple of questions about the birth mother and also about the finances.

Kathie explained that there had already been some professional courtesy fees waived but that she would tell the law office, that was who the birth mother was working with and they contacted our agency, what we could do and see what they said. She said that she would present it as a "take it or leave it" number and just see what they said. She was very supportive about us not wanting to go above what we could afford and about being comfortable with the amount of money we spent to adopt. Never once was there any pressure or suggestion to go above what we said we could do.

So Kathie presented our number and we just had to sit back and wait...Have I mentioned I am not a patient person and I hate waiting!? Cuz I'm not, and I hate the hurry up and wait routine...

Later that night, we went to celebrate Rich's birthday. We had a great time and no one knew anything. I think I was even able to push the thoughts of all that had transpired during that day aside and focus on having a good time and celebrating my husband. Happy Birthday Rich, I love you!!!

Our Adoption Story: lots of emails

Man, where has the time gone? Its been a few days since I posted and I feel like I am far behind here. I guess that's what happens when you are in the middle of moving across the country!

Anyway...

So as the new year approached, we began getting a lot of emails from our agency. It was SO very nice to see them working for us, working to make our dream of being a family come true.

We would get emails, sometimes multiple emails, weekly it seemed. We were getting emails asking if our profile could be shown to some birth mothers. We would review the medical and social history information the agency had on the mothers and make a decision from there. 

There was always a lot of research that went into being able to provide an answer as to if we wanted to be shown or not. Some of these birth mothers were taking medications, doctor prescribed, that I wanted to know the possible birth defects/complications involved with them. So Google and I became best buds. But OH the curse of Google. Some things are better left unsearched, not really...we needed to know. But these searches would often times leave me more confused than anything. So many conflicting results or confusing case study reports. I wanted a clear cut "this is what it does..." answer. Thanks Google, thanks for nothing but a severe headache!

I was also researching statistics on "if a mother has___, then the baby is ___ likely to have it as well". Things such as bipolar, schizophrenia, and other (to me) scary mental health disorders. Again, this was not a helpful search at all. But who do I ask these things to? I don't carry a pediatrician and/or psychologist in my back pocket so I didn't have anyone in the know to ask.  So to Google I would turn. Again, painstaking headaches were a result from these searches. I still felt like, even though it was mostly confusing, I was able to gather enough information to make a semi informed decision.

Rich and I would talk, in length, about each situation. Some of them that we were presented with I wanted to respond YES without even consulting Rich, but that isn't fair nor is that a healthy way to approach making a family with your spouse! Some of the birth mothers profiles we were presented with were a clear cut, this isn't the child for us, profile. We knew, based on the information given, that we were not prepared to handle the possible outcome and health issues the baby may have been born with. Others weren't so easy. It took a lot of soul searching, prayer and discussion to come up with what the right answer for us to give the agency was.

There were quite a few we said no to, but there were almost just as many we said that we would like our profile shown for as well. Once we said to show our profile, it was a waiting game. Some we would hear back that they had chosen another family and others we wouldn't hear anything from. Our agency explained that there are birth mothers who receive the profiles and take months to decide or pick a family and others who receive profiles and never contact the agency again. None the less, the waiting SUCKS!

We were presented with a birth mothers information on January 15. Everything about this situation looked like it was a good one, until we read how much this particular adoption would cost. It was WELL over our budget and well over anything we could afford. We had set our budget with our agency but Rich and I had some wiggle room and could do a little more than we had originally said, but not this much more. Sadly we had to tell the agency no. Everything else about this was a perfect match in what we were looking for in a birth mother. It was so hard to say no for the money alone, but what price do you put on a child? How much is too much? At what point do you say "we want this child but we cannot go into debt for them"? This was that time. Rich and I want a baby but we can not put ourselves in debt for them and not be able to provide the life for our children that we want to provide, because we spent everything we had to bring them home. It was sad and hard to do but in the end we had to walk away.

And still more emails came to my inbox, more discussions between Rich and I and more "yes" and "no" responses sent to the agency. But for the first time in a long time, I was feeling hopeful. I still felt we wouldn't bring home a little one until we moved, but I was hopeful and excited about this process again.

Our adoption story: Full steam ahead

After we had our "failed" adoption, Angie (our social worker) called. She, and Laura, called several times to check on us and see how we were doing. She also gave us the option to hold our profile from being shown for a little while, to process what had happened, or to continue being shown. Fortunately because everything, with the match and then it not working out, happened so fast they didn't have time to put a hold on our profile and it was still being sent out. Rich  and I had talked about it and we decided to keep on keepin' on. We didn't want to put any more time between us and our child.

When I spoke with Angie I asked her if there was anything we needed to change in our profile or APQ. I asked her this every time I spoke with her. She said no, that they were getting positive feedback about us from birth mothers but that we weren't being shown as often as we could be because of the new law NM passed. It was so discouraging, Rich and I seriously started believing that we would not be matched with a birth mom until we moved out of New Mexico. That move was still at least 8 months away.

The holidays came and went. We had a great time with friends and family during the holidays but the fact that this was now the second holiday season we thought we would share with a child of our own, and the fact that we weren't, weighed heavily on my heart. It was tough to think that though we had already waited so long, we would continue to wait for an unforeseen amount of time. Simply put, it sucked!

January was time to update our home study. Again. This would be the 4th time we had done our home study, I was getting tired of doing it and asking friends and family to once again send in reference letters for us. Rich and I had tossed around the idea of not updating it and just going inactive until we were transferred. We both agreed that with June being the earliest we could move, 6 months was a long time to be inactive. So we decided to move forward with the update and contacted our home study agency.

By January 30th our home study and all our background clearances were  complete and being forwarded to our agency so their files could be updated. With that done, we could celebrate Rich's birthday and sit back and wait for "the call" to come in, though we both doubted we would get said call until we moved. Summer time was beginning to look like it was forever away and I was feeling that we couldn't move fast enough.

Our Adoption Story: Happy Birthday To MEEEE

Or so I thought...

The spring, summer and fall came and went. Rich and I were beginning to think that we were not going to be matched until we moved out of New Mexico. We knew we were expecting our orders sometime early in the new year, so we just kept plugging away with work and traveling etc. What else could we do?

I was at a 4 day conference when my phone rang. I was in the middle of a workshop, and my phone said it was an Arkansas number. Since I didn't recognize the number I let it go to voice mail. After the workshop session was over, and before I headed out to find some lunch, I checked my voice mail. It was a social worker from our adoption agency. I called her back but she didn't answer. I left her a message and it wasn't but a few minutes later that she returned my call.

She introduced herself and then told me that we were matched. My first words were "are you kidding me?". She started laughing and assured me she was not joking, that we had been picked by a birth mother who was due on November 20. It was Nov 9, one day after my birthday, that we got the call. The birth mother actually picked us ON November 8. I immediately started crying and could not believe what she was saying. It was a little boy, we were going to have a son. The birth mother was already having contractions and was told by her doctor that if they were to get worse that she needed to go to the hospital. I was told that we need to be ready to travel at any moment. I was so excited, I couldn't believe it. She explained some more to me about where we would need to fly into, where we would stay and for how long before going to a different part of the state to finalize with the attorney. Mostly what I heard was "blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah boy". I wasn't able to process everything, so thankfully she was emailing me all the details and the papers we needed to have notarized and sent back ASAP.

When I hung up with Laura, the social worker who called, I immediately called Rich. If I remember correctly he didn't answer. I don't remember if I left him a message or if I hung up and tried again a few minutes later. Either way, when I finally got ahold of him the first thing I asked was "Are you ready to be a daddy?". I don't think he understood what I was talking about because his response was something along the lines of "DUH!" lol. When I told him it was a match and that she was having contractions etc, he was excited. Not like me, I wear my heart on my sleeve and Rich is more reserved, but excited.

Needless to say I couldn't focus. No way was I going to sit through a stupid workshop, of which I didn't need the CEUs for anyway, when I had shopping to do and baby stuff to buy! So I left. I went home and read through the emails from the agency, all the information on travel and our little boy. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. Here we were thinking it wouldn't happen until after we moved and certainly not before we had to update our homestudy again, and we were matched. Who would have thunk it!?

Rich and I had decided long before this point that we were not going to tell anyone that we were matched with a birth mother. We were going to wait until we were on the plane on our way to meet and pick up our baby. This was so incredibly hard. I tell my mom just about everything, some things a mother just doesn't need to  know, and this was something she should know and something I wanted to share with her. But I couldn't, Rich and I had already made that decision and we did so to save ourselves from the "have you heard anything yet?" or "any news?" type questions. It was going to be hard enough on us waiting to get the "it's go time" call that we didn't need more stress and anxiety (unintentional as they may be) from anyone we shared this news with. I couldn't keep it bottled up though. I HAD to tell someone. So who do you tell?? One of your closest friends who is an interpreter and no stranger to confidentiality! Missie had just had her son Landon in October. We were matched with a birth mother who was having a little boy, who better to share the news with!? We were texting back and forth and planning, scheming all the things our little boys would do together and how fun it would be for us to go to Mommy and Me classes with our kiddos. She was helping me figure out what baby stuff I would need for the trip and what could wait until we got back. The excitement couldn't get any more tangible.

During all this our social worker Angie called us to schedule our "match call". This is the call with the agency to go over everything from A to Z on what to expect, what to do, what not to do, state laws, who you give what information to etc. We scheduled this for Monday morning at 9a MST. Rich and I both scheduled to go into work late that day so we could be home and on the call at the same time to hear everything, because at some point I was going to hear "blah blah blah, boy" again!

Over the weekend I couldn't contain myself. I talked Rich into going to purchase some clothes and blankets etc. How can we bring home a baby when we didn't have ANYTHING? So off we went. We went to Old Navy and bought some adorable winter warm clothes and to Gap to buy some more, to Babies R Us to get some blankets, a car seat and a few other things we thought we would need on arrival, the rest could wait.

The anticipation and excitement was building, I was about to explode. But in the back of my mind I feared the worst. What if this birth mother gave birth and didn't tell anyone? This was my biggest fear, one that kept me up at night worrying. It wasn't until Monday morning that I voiced this concern to Rich. We had our call with Angie and we went over everything. It was so overwhelming and a lot to take in all at once. I was trying to focus and take notes so that we could refer back to them as we were being placed in and presented with situations that she spoke about. After the call ended, and before Rich and I headed to work, I looked at Rich and said "What if she delivers and doesn't tell anyone?". Rich said he didn't know and that he had been wondering too. It was a fear that both of us had, and I don't think its all that unusual to have such a fear when so much is out of your hands. But for both of us to feel that way and fear that this would happen, too much to ignore.

I got to work and started my day. Not much was going on at work that day. I hadn't been there long and was just chatting with my office mates when my phone rang. It was Laura calling. She asked me if I had a minute, I knew this couldn't be good. With butterflies in my stomach I moved to an empty office and closed the door. Laura proceeded to tell me that the birth mother who had picked us delivered over the weekend and didn't tell anyone. She went on to say that they were trying to get more information and trying to get ahold of the birth mother. She said not to travel or make travel plans yet. I was in shock. My worst fear came to fruition. How could this be happening?

Over the next couple of days I spoke to Laura several times. She would call and give me updates as often as she could. Eventually, on Wednesday, she called to tell me that they were pulling the plug and backing off. They were not comfortable having us, or any adoptive family, be involved in such uncertainty. We spoke for almost an hour, I cried and off loaded everything I was feeling and my fears and doubts that we were ever going to have our family. Laura was amazing. Here was this woman who I had never met and yet she sat and listened to me cry. She gave amazing words of encouragement and assured me that we would in fact have our family. Though she herself has never adopted, her best friend had and her best friend had also experienced a failed adoption before bringing home her child. Laura said "her daughter is perfect and a perfect fit into their family. you too will have a child and that child will be the one meant for you." It sounds cliché but it was reassuring.

Long story short, They pulled the plug on the adoption because the birth mother lied. She lied about everything from the birth father being in prison (he wasn't and she posted pictures of him and the baby on her Facebook) to her not naming the baby or wanting to see the baby (she posted pictures of her with the baby and announced his name etc. on Facebook). They feel that she lied about everything, said what she thought adoptive parents wanted to hear and did it all to get rent money. They cannot prove fraud, or they would have taken her to court. Laura was angry. Angry that someone could be so heartless and do such a thing with blatant disregard to the others involved. It was nice to hear that she was angry for us and for this situation. She didn't hold back her feelings and let me express mine. It was reassuring. It was also nice to know that we had an agency working for us that also had our best interests in mind. They were not going to, knowingly, send us into a situation that never had a chance of becoming a successful placement.

I was sad. Sad for Rich and I and that the feeling of hopelessness was finding its way back to me once again. I was even more sad for the little baby that had a chance. This baby had a chance at an amazing life, even if it had been with a different adoptive family. Instead, due to selfishness, this baby would be stuck in the same cycle his mother was stuck in. If anything that she reported was true this baby would have a very unstable life on the streets. The birth mother was homeless and had drug use in her past. Had other children and was struggling to support herself. I was sad that this is the life this little boy would undoubtedly know. If this mother can turn her life around and make a good stable life for herself and her children I am THRILLED. Honestly though, from her story, it doesn't seem like it would be something she could do in the immediate future. That made me sad for the baby, her other children and for her. Especially for the innocent baby that had a shot at something more.

I had to get out of the office for a little while. I left, I sat in my car and called my mom and cried. It hurt so bad. I got the "this wasn't the baby that was supposed to be yours" comment, not just from mom. I hate that comment, for the record, I know that. Rationally I know this. I am well aware that this wasn't the baby that was meant to be ours, or he would be in our arms, but that doesn't help ease the pain. It sucks. The whole situation sucks, for everyone involved. We were so close this time, or so we thought.

After some tears were shed, mine...on Rich's shoulder, we had to take everything back. It was so painful. It was like living that phone call all over again. All the cute clothes we had purchased went back to the stores. Every time I was asked "was anything wrong with them?" I wanted to cry or scream or punch the cashier in the face. Yes something was wrong with them, I didn't have a child to put in them. We had to return them though. We didn't know when the next match would come or if it would be a boy. It was winter, we bought winter clothes. If we were matched in the spring, what good do winter clothes do us? If we were matched with a girl, I am no putting her in super hero onesies! I hated every moment of returning the baby items to the stores, but realistically it wasn't any better to keep them!

It was so hard to get past this. It was the closest we had ever been to bringing a little one home. We had talked about and planned the holidays with our wee one. Holidays that now, again, would be void of what we wanted the most. It was painful. Haven't we had enough heartache in this journey? How can I possibly handle something like this again? Do we continue on this journey or do we take a break and breathe, reassess this thing called adoption?

Our adoption story: How do you say NO?

Quickly after we were officially active with American Adoptions we began receiving emails about birth mothers and if it was ok to show our profile to them.

All of the questions we answered on the Adoptive Parent Questionnaire (APQ) as to what we preferred in a little baby, boy/girl, drug/alcohol use that we were comfortable with, medical and social history preferences, mental health issues within the immediate and distant family members etc, were all entered into a database.  The birth mothers filled out questionnaires about what they were looking for in adoptive parents and this too was entered into a database. Then a search would be run and if there was a match our profile was automatically shown to the birth mother with out saying anything to us. If there was a birth mother that we matched on everything but maybe 1-2 items, such as the budget for the adoption being a little more than we said we could do or mental health issues in the family etc, then we would get an email asking if they could show our profile.

When we would receive the emails asking if our profile could be shown, we were given more detailed information on the birth mother and her situation so that we could make the best informed decision as to have our profile shown or not. Often times I would get the email, forward it to Rich at work and then call him right away (or as soon as I could) to discuss it. I wanted to be able to say yes as soon as possible.

Sadly there were some situations that were just too far outside of our comfort zone. Some mental health issues in immediate family, or even the birth mother, that we didn't know if we could handle should our child have them. There were also some drugs, even prescribed ones. that after reading the potential birth defects for babies whose mothers were taking these medications during pregnancy could have, we just were not comfortable having our profile shown.

It may seem selfish but, with adoption, you have to know where your comfort zone lies. if you are comfortable with a biracial child, if you are comfortable raising a child who's race is completely different than your own, potential medical or health problems they could be born with etc. This seems selfish because if you are able to conceive on your own some of these "possibilities" are out of your control and you have to roll with the punches once the baby is born. In adoption you do have the ability to say  no to some of these possibilities, and we did.

We had several emails from the agency asking if our profile could be shown. There was always that excitement thinking "this could be the one" or "this could be the birth mother who is carrying our baby" and even "by ___ date, we could be holding our little bundle of joy". I always had the butterflies of excitement in my tummy when I would see an email from the adoption agency, I would check my email several times a day just to see if there was anything from our social worker.

The hardest part was saying no. I don't know how many of the emails we said "No" to compared with how many we said "yes" to but it never was easy. It was gut wrenching every time I had to respond and say we weren't comfortable with having our profile shown. I couldn't help but have an overwhelming feeling of "what if we just said no to the child that was meant to be ours?" or "will we ever bring home a baby?". It was not easy saying that we didn't want our profile shown and I always felt guilty doing so. I know our agency has 200+ families they are working with and that somewhere there will be a family that says yes to having their profile shown but it didn't lesson the guilt.

Rich and I would often have the conversation about not wanting to say "yes" to having our profile shown just because we wanted a child so desperately. This was hard for me. I wanted a child so bad that I wasn't thinking about what we, as a couple, were comfortable with and what we weren't comfortable with. I think I was approaching each situation from an emotional place that Rich wasn't. He is the logical, more rational person in our relationship (which is good, don't get me wrong) and I am the emotional basket case. The adoption process was way more emotional and heart breaking than I ever imagined and each and every time we had to say no my heart broke more and my hope and faith that we would be parents died little by little.

How do you say "no"? It never became any easier, in the year + that we were working with American Adoptions, never was it easy to say no. Not only was it not easy to say no, it never really felt like the "right" thing to do. Again, I think was the emotional side of me that couldn't get past the "what if this is THE one" thought. That's just it, it was a thought...a FEAR. A very real fear of not ever being chosen as adoptive parents and never being able to have the family we both desperately wanted. With each "no" the feeling of guilt grew stronger. Guilt that I was never going to be able to provide my husband with a child to love and play with and teach how to wrestle. Guilt that this was all my fault, had he found someone else who could have children that he would be happier and already have a family. Each time we would talk about adoption and how we were getting discouraged, the topic of age would come up. I could see in Rich's face that he felt he was getting old, too old to raise a child, especially if it was going to take much longer.

Though Rich has never once blamed me, and has always been quick to discourage these feelings of guilt, I couldn't help it. I felt like I was the reason we hadn't yet started a family. Though he was well aware that I couldn't have children, since our first date, it wasn't easy for me not to blame myself and wonder if he wished things were different. If he wished he had married someone else who could conceive children. Rich has NEVER made me feel this way, it was always my own fears and self confidence issues that were rearing their ugly heads, not Rich. It is the emotional Scorpio side of me.

We continued to receive emails, weekly (or so it seemed). Some we would say yes and have our profile shown and then sit and wait and wonder if we would be picked. Then we would receive an email from the agency and, with butterflies in my stomach, I would open them and see that another family had been chosen. Some emails we would say no to and our agency was always understanding. It was refreshing to have such a great and communicative agency but it never became easier in saying no to some and, likewise, it never became less exciting to see an email from the adoption agency or to be able to say yes to some of the birth mothers we were presented with.

Sadly, the timing was beginning to not look or feel right, and the feeling of "this isn't going to happen" was overwhelmingly painful.

Our Adoption Story: You have GOT to be kidding me

We signed on with American Adoptions in December 2011. All was going well and we were submitting our Adoptive Parent Questionnaire stuff, editing our profile and waiting for the draft of our video to be sent our way. The holidays had come and gone and we were both back to the grind stone.

I had started a new contract position with the New Mexico Commission for Deaf and Hard of Hearing in January. I was one of the two contract "staff" sign language interpreters. It quickly became routine for some of the staff to take a morning break and all head to "The Bux" (aka Starbucks) as it was only a couple blocks down the road. We all looked forward to and enjoyed this little coffee/chai break from the office that helped kick start our day. Lots of laughter always accompanied these trips.

One February morning we were walking into Starbucks when my phone rang. I recognized the number as one belonging to American Adoptions. Of course I was a little excited and hopeful that this was "the call". Could it be "the call" when it had only been a couple of months? Angie, our adoption coordinator, was on the other line. She asked me if I had a minute to talk (what was I going to say "actually, I am on my way to order my daily addiction so can we talk later!?"?? umm..NO). Angie proceeded to tell me that during the legislative session the NM governor signed and passed a bill. This bill, essentially, tripled our wait time. It was a bill that limited the adoption agencies that worked with New Mexico families. There was no grandfather clause and it was effective immediately and effective for all.

I do not remember a lot of that conversation. I remember my eyes welling up with tears and me trying to maintain my composure, after all I was in public in the middle of a workday morning. It was hard. It hurt. I didn't understand what was happening or what the reasoning for this law was. It made no sense. There are hardly any adoption agencies here in NM and the ONE that I know of doesn't have very many domestic newborn placements but rather older children and international placements. I could not wrap my head around this law and why it was voted in favor of, unanimously, and signed as an emergency bill.

What did this mean for us? Should we just throw in the towel and give up? We JUST wrote a huge check and had invested a lot of time in getting started with a new agency, one that had promise. was this all for not? Are we not supposed to be parents? Is this never going to happen? I didn't get it, I couldn't even begin to understand and process what we were going to do at this point.

When I got back to the office I called Rich. We said we would talk about it when we got home. I started trying to look for this bill and try to find any kind of reasoning or understanding and why it was such an emergency to pass it without anyone knowing anything about it. I couldn't find anything. Later, through a co-worker who knew someone at the Children Youth and Families Department, we received a copy of the bill. It still didn't make sense.

After speaking with Rich about it. We decided that we would keep plugging on. That we had some confidence in American Adoptions and felt good about working with them. After a little more talking about the situation and what it could possibly mean for us, I became angry. Angry at the NM government but even more angry at Heart to Heart Adoptions. American Adoptions called us IMMEDIATELY. They explained everything to us, even if I wasn't capable of hearing and processing all that they told me. The explained the bill as they understood it and how it would impact our family. They called us within just a few days of the bill being signed. American Adoptions even had their lawyers looking into it and possibly suing the state of NM. Heart to Heart, who at the time we were still active with and had not told them to take a hike yet, NEVER communicated with us about this bill. Not an email, phone call, form letter, pigeon carrier, nada, nothing, not a single word. I became angry that they were supposedly working with/for us and helping us start our family and yet they made no attempt in knowing about new laws in the states of their adoptive parents and the impact these laws may have. How is that possible?

It took some time, mainly because I can be rather stubborn, before I finally contacted Heart to Heart. One thing that led to me kicking them to the curb was that, not only had they only asked to show our profile 1 time in 6+ months, but I received an email that was (I believe) an internal email but they clicked on the wrong "Michelle" in their address book.  It was an email they received from a prospective adoptive parent inquiring about an adoption situation. The email from the social worker, again meant for another Heart to Heart staff member, said "Really?  They are the ones that said they didn’t want baby to be too tan! " That statement in and of itself I was offended by and then the fact that they sent it to me, I am sure by accident, and never tried to retract it or say "please disregard/we are sorry we sent that to you.." SOMETHING would have been nice but nope. I don't want an agency like that working for me! When I contacted them about us no longer desiring to work with them, and that we had decided to work with a different agency, I received an email response back that said "Got it. Thanks". That's it. No "I'm sorry to hear this" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" etc. I explained in the email the frustrations we felt about the lack of communication and our profile not being shown etc. and the only response was "got it. thanks". Hmm.  Made me feel like our decision to change agencies really was the best decision and grew my faith in American Adoptions even more.

Despite the new law passed, American Adoptions started contacting us in March asking if they could show our profile to some birth mothers. That made me feel even better about our decision and started to ease my doubts about us ever being able to adopt and bring home a little one.

Our Adoption Story: Out with the old, in with the new

I love my brother. Despite all evidence to the contrary while we were growing up, I really am lucky to have Mitch as my brother and in my life. He has fought for me (literally and figuratively), loved me, encouraged me and stood behind me in everything I do. It is Mitch who helped us make a life altering change in our journey.

One day Mitch called and as we were talking he asked if we had heard of an agency called American Adoptions. He told me about a coworker who had adopted thru them, in fairly short order, and this was the agency they used. I was hesitant to even consider a new agency (even though ours was WORTHLESS). I was afraid, after research we had done early on and what we had seen about other agencies and their fees etc, to start all over again. Mitch talked about his coworkers experience and I thought it was worth at least calling and checking into.

I spoke with Rich about what Mitch had said and we decided to call and see what we thought. I remember sitting in my car, in a parking lot, after a job and making that call.  I was connected with a gentleman, Mike, that works for American Adoptions. He was so nice and answered all of my questions. He didn't seem to be in a rush to get off the phone and on with his day but rather that he was there for us. It was a breath of fresh air. Even in that 20-30 minute phone call I felt more comfortable with them than I had the agency that we had "worked" with for months now. That conversation was more contact than I had had with Heart to Heart. By the end of the phone call, the questions I had for them were answered and an information packet was on its way to us.

It was an overwhelming feeling but with my note pad in hand, Rich and I sat down and talked about possibly switching agencies. It required a substantial amount of money just to become "active" with this agency. The money wasn't the issue, it was that I didn't want to invest this money in an agency that would fail us the way the other two had. I didn't want to invest this and then be stuck and not be able to change paths again if it didn't work out. Once we paid this money we were in it until the end, or until we decided to pull the plug and not adopt after all.

I believe there were a few more calls to American Adoptions and a few more questions answered. Never once did I feel like I was burdening them by calling and asking questions. It was a great feeling and, in the end, an easy decision to make and sign on with them as an Adoptive Family. We began submitting the paperwork that they needed to start our profile. Answered all types of questions about us as a couple, family and individuals. We had to answer a list of favorites for each of us, such as favorite cartoon, car, animal, book, movie etc. We also had to write a letter to any potential birthmothers. This is what we wrote:

Letter to Birth Mother

Thank you for reading this letter and taking the time to explore our profile. Our names are Rich and Michelle and we are a happily married couple currently living in New Mexico. Throughout our entire relationship, we have always known we would adopt children. We are excited and ready to begin our family and be matched with the child that is meant to warm our home and our hearts with love, laughter and memories. Without you, we could not begin this process or travel down this path. Thank you for blessing us like this. Though we have never met you, we talk about you often, and how appreciative we are of you. You are selfless and courageous, and we are so grateful to you for allowing us to fulfill our dream of being parents and helping us to create our family.

Without the opportunity to adopt, the opportunity that can only come from you, we would not be able to have the family we have both always dreamed of. Right now there is a void in our home; there are no giggles or bed time stories, no noisy toys or dirty diapers to change. Experiencing the joy and miracle of parenthood is a dream for us. Rich can see himself playing catch in the front yard and Michelle can not wait to teach this child sign language and sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." Our happy home is ready for a son or daughter, and we are so thankful to you for your brave and loving decision.

Both of our families look forward to welcoming another little one. This child will have 11 cousins to play with and follow after during family holidays and visits. Both grandmas will be all too happy to have another grandchild to love. The grandfathers will love having another one to give piggy back rides and read to. There are aunts and uncles ready to spoil, play with and babysit anytime they can. There is so much love in our families, and everyone is excited to have another child to share that love with.

We will be happy to send you letters and pictures so that you can see this child grow and develop into the person they are meant to be. Should you want to exchange emails or talk via the phone, we would be happy to have this type of communication as well. We will do everything in our power, aligned with your comfort level, to ensure that this child knows who you are and what a tremendous gift you have given us.

We both want to sincerely thank you again for helping us to fulfill our dreams of having a family. We are truly excited to begin this process and look forward to getting to know you better. You will be in our thoughts and prayers everyday.

Thank you for taking the time to look at our profile. Even if you should not feel that we are a good fit for you, we wish you all the wonderful opportunities life can offer and a healthy delivery!

Sincerely,
Rich and Michelle

There was much more we had to fill out and answer, MUCH more. The agency then took all our information and pictures and wove it into a beautiful profile, both online and in print, that would be shown to birth mothers who's preferences matched with ours.

Once they had all the information for the print and online profile and while they were working on putting that together, they sent us video equipment to get some footage of what would later become our video profile. We put off the video portion until we were traveling home to Texas so that we could get some shots of us with the kiddos (I wanted to make sure that it appeared as though we knew what to do with a kid :)).  We did this at Mitch and Natalie's house. We made muffins with the kids, showed Rich and I with baby Caroline, went to the park to run, swing on the monkey bars and play with the kids. Later that night Mitch and Natalie answered some suggested questions about us and how great we would be as parents :).  We also had our friends Missie and Seb, Tom and Jenn and Rich's brother Steve and sister in law Stacy submit their video interviews as well. The agency would only pick one interview to show, Missie and Seb won that one :).  We sent all this off to the agency and they made a FABULOUS video profile of us. The link is below:

http://www.americanadoptions.com/ytvideo.php?vid=HMejR63GY60

During all of this we were having to update our homestudy for the third time. Since the first was done with the intention of an international adoption of a deaf child, when we switched to Heart to Heart we had to update it to reflect a domestic newborn adoption. Homestudies are only good for 12 months so in January of 2012 we were due to update again. Home visit, fingerprints, background checks etc all had to be done over. It wasn't too long after this that we were all up to date with everything and officially became active and listed on American Adoptions website as adoptive parents looking for their little one. And thus, the waiting began again...

Our adoption story: Nothing like hurry up and wait!

So, as the previous post said, we signed on with Heart to Heart Adoptions. We were excited to get back into the process and had high hopes for this agency. It was all for not. After 6 months our profile had not been shown one single time. Any communication we had with our agency was all instigated on my end. I would receive mass emails of "I know the waiting is hard..." It was so impersonal and cold. Eventually we got word that our adoption coordinator had been promoted and our new one would be contacting us soon. To the best of my recollection, we never received any introduction or communication from her. I was getting really discouraged and was ready to throw in the towel.

It felt as if our dreams of being parents were never going to come true. Both Rich and I ached to become parents but it didn't feel as if it was in the cards for us. I kept telling myself that God hears the desires of our hearts and He knows that Rich and I want to be parents that surely it would happen. But after months and months of me contacting our agency, and getting little response from them, it felt like this was all unattainable.

We had been through so many ups and downs with Katia's adoption not happening I was beginning to wonder if I could do this. Was I strong enough to continue on this roller coaster of emotions and not end up in a padded cell at the end. Even  my family was beginning to doubt and look for other options for us, make suggestions of things to try. It wasn't until a phone call from my brother, and what came after that, that I began to feel hopeful and excited about this journey again.

Our adoption story, the last of the old posts...

This is from the post "Adoption Update" originally posted on 7/24/11

So its been a while since I have posted anything, its time to get caught up:

After traveling to DC this past May I came back home for a few weeks and worked worked worked. Rich and I were able to discuss and decide that we were going to jump back into the adoption process, this time using a domestic agency that specializes in new born babies. After calling and asking some questions of the agency, we decided to go with Heart to Heart Adoptions. They are based out of Utah but have mothers from all over the country.

We filled out the application, got our home study amended, had supporting documents (back ground checks, finger prints etc) sent and reference letters written and sent to the new agency. We also had to do a profile of who we are, basically our life story in a cute little presentation. Thanks to my mom and her smarts, we were able to do this fairly painlessly by creating a photo book. I worked on this book non-stop for 3 days. The first day alone I worked on it for 11 hours. With the help of Missie, Sheila, Mandy and a few others this was created, edited and printed all within one week. We received the books in short order, signed them and then put them back in the mail to the agency so that they had everything they needed for us to work with them. Then the waiting began...

Our adoption story, continued (still)...

This is from the post "Not very comforting" originally posted 5/26/11:

This post is straight from my heart and very real. This is not meant to make anyone mad or feel anything more than a better understanding of what I am feeling right now!!!

As I began to tell friends and family about the loss of Katia, a common thread began to appear. Many people said the same thing to me, while meant to be comforting it wasn't. Most of the loved ones and friends I decided to share this information with, via Facebook, text and phone calls, said virtually the same thing "It just wasn't meant to be" or some variation of this statement. Despite all efforts, this was not comforting and this did not dull the pain any.

While most of you know me and know that I am a "glass half full" kind of person and that I am a firm believer in "If its meant to be it will be", I am not in the right frame of mind for those comments. These statements did not make me feel any better. This is not something I am capable of telling myself and believing right now.

This loss is essentially my miscarriage. For the last 7 months of my life this little girl has been mine, she has been at the center of my thoughts and conversations and excitement since October, and now she is gone. Women who are pregnant and have a miscarriage these types of statements, "It wasn't meant to be", are not said to them. This is not something that you would say because it doesn't make sense and it doesn't offer any comfort. So why say it to an adoptive parent who loses their child? Its the same thing, and it does not provide the comfort you were hoping for! In fact, it hurts more. These statements (again, I realize they are meant to show support and comfort) make it all the more clear that FEW people realize what this feels like and what I am going through and feeling at this moment. It makes me feel even more alone in this situation because there is no feeling of understanding or empathy that I so dearly need right now.

While the logical and rational side of me is happy for Katia and happy that she will have a family to call her own, this doesn't make my pain any less real or the loss any less tangible. I know that this process is completely out of my hands and that there is a child out there that needs us just as much as we need them, that doesn't make this loss any less painful. I know that we will be parents when it is our time and I know that God has a plan for us, but right now I need time to grieve. I need time to grieve the loss of my daughter, the one who I have dreamt about and loved for the past 7 months. I had no idea that my heart could love, and be broken, so much by a little girl that I have never met. My heart and I need time to heal from this.

I do not know when Rich and I will pick back up and begin the adoption process again and if we will do domestic or international adoption. Right now, Rich and I need to be together and process this hurt and loss as a couple and decide what our next step will be. It has been a long, emotional week and with Rich and I STILL not being in the same state we have not had the time to sort through our feelings as husband and wife. I am hoping that he makes it home tomorrow (all flights were cancelled today) and that we can just be together and grieve as a family before we pick up and decide what to do next.

Our Adoption Story, some MORE back story...

This is from the original post on 5/26/11 titled "Heartbroken":


After MONTHS of frustrating paperwork and deadlines we are told some heartbreaking and earth shattering news. Our little girl is not ours...

Last week I had the pleasure of flying to DC to be with my friend Missie and her husband Sebastian, to work and to attend what turned out to be one of the best conferences I have been to in a while. I was very much looking forward to this trip and was in a great mood starting out.

This all changed when I landed in Denver for my layover. I was settling down in my gate waiting to get on my next plane and land in DC. I received a call from my adoption counselor. I thought this was regarding our meeting, scheduled for the next day, to discus the international paperwork and deadlines fast approaching. I also thought this could be pertaining to the availability date of Katia as we had been told we would receive that some time this month. This was not the case.

I was quickly connected to the executive director of the agency. When this transfer happened I began to think that this was not a good phone call, maybe I was going to hear that Ukraine was closing their borders and our process would take even longer. I never expected what was coming. Diana has been so great during this whole process, making sure all her Ukrainian families were up to date on all the latest happenings pertaining to adoption law changes. This time, this is not what she was going to be talking to me about. This time it was worse than I ever imagined. This phone call would change my world as I knew it and put a HUGE damper in my trip. This phone call was to tell me that Katia is no longer ours for adopting, she was being adopted by the doctor who works with the children in the orphanage. The doctor could "fix her hearing" and was going to expedited the adoption of her, thus we had no reason to continue the process for our little girl.

It took everything in me not to crumble in the airport. Here I was all alone with hundreds of people passing by. I couldn't help it, I started bawling. My dream of being a mother, specifically a mother to this specific little girl had just been ripped from me and there was nothing I could do about it. The conversation wasn't a long one, I knew I would not be able to take much more and I was losing control as it was. I quickly hung up, I was hurting and I had many unanswered questions. The first thing I did was call Rich, I needed my husband and we were hundreds of miles away from one another and would be for the next week and a half. I needed him to lean on and instead all I had was a cold airport chair in a crowded airport, not very comforting!

My heart is broken and I don't know if/when it will heal. This isn't easy news to digest, still 9 days later I'm not sure I have let myself fully accept what has happened.

 

Our Adoption Story, and still more history...

This is from the original post "Then comes a baby" posted on 4/25/11:

Just not in a baby carriage.

Long before we got married Rich and I knew that adoption would be in our future. Rich and I moved to Albuquerque in August of 2010. Since I knew I would not be working right away, my "job" was to research adoption so that we could start the process of building our family. I had no idea of the emotional roller coaster that was ahead of me!

Rich and I had discussed our plans for family and where we would start. We had decided that we would start with a newborn/infant and then build from there. We knew that we wanted up to 3 children, one as young as possible and two 'older' children who deserved a loving home to call their own. I also, for as long as I can remember, knew I wanted to adopt at least one "special needs" child, specifically a deaf child. We wanted to start young so that our older children would not EVER feel as if they were not good enough for not being a baby when they came into our family. So out I searched for adoption agencies and all the details needed to make a decision of which agency to use to adopt our bouncing little bundle of joy.

Sitting in Albuquerque, no friends and no family in sight, and doing adoption research; I soon became very depressed. I was SHOCKED and HORRIFIED in what I was finding in regards to adoption expenses. Agencies were charging, as Rich says, by emotional value. Some wanted up to $60,000.00 for a newborn baby, some were charging based on income of the family and some were not posting their prices, which leads you to believe it was more than you can afford. I cried, many times, thinking that our dream of being parents was so far from our reach due to the prices agencies were charging. I thought there was no way we could afford a newborn. To stop shedding tears I would start looking at agencies/organizations that had 'older' children to see what that would be like. I found several listings (adoptuskids.org, rainbowkids.com and others) that had thousands of pictures of children and sibling groups waiting and hoping for a family to call their own. I was enraged, how on earth can these agencies charge so much when there are children at stake!? And people wonder why our foster system is busting at the seams!? It is ridiculous to say the least.

Rainbowkids.com is one site I signed up to receive their monthly newsletters from. This is a photo listing of children all over the world who have some kind, or multiple, special need. This one appealed to me because it was the only site that would filter out based on need, country, gender etc, but more importantly a site that listed Deaf/hard of hearing children. I would get their emails once a month and I would always look to see if there were any new children listed under the D/hh section, just to see and to keep that in the back of our minds when we were ready to go down that road.

Life is funny...the best laid plans always have room for changes! October 19, 2010 I opened my email and saw a picture that would change our lives. A precious blond hair little girl with the cutest lop-sided pig tails in Ukraine had just been added to their photo listing on October 18, 2010. I stared at her picture for the longest time, kept coming back to the picture and could not get her out of my mind. The name listed was 'Katerina' such a beautiful name for such a precious little soul. Don't get me wrong, there were other precious children on the photo listing but I could not stop thinking about this one in particular, it was as if she reached out of the computer screen and took hold of my heart.

Rich came home from work that day and I immediately sent him upstairs to look at the computer. He came down for dinner and I asked "Can we have her?". I think he thought I was kidding at first, after all his response was "Seriously?". We discussed it over dinner and he told me to call the next day and find out more information on her.

That next day was the day we began the process of adopting our first child. After our application was approved we were able to learn her real name, Katya (or Katia, maybe Katja...we are not sure of the spelling yet). She turned 5 years old on Thanksgiving 2010 and shares a birthday with my Aunt Kathy and Uncle Milton. We are still in the process of the MOUNDS of paper work (to be blogged about later) but are so very excited for the day we can, hopefully, call her our daughter.

If all goes according to plan and we are approved to adopt an orphan, we will be traveling in November or December and we are very much looking forward to that day when we can meet our little girl!

Our Adoption story, more of the back story...

This is from the original post on 4/25/11

Then comes marriage:

I can not believe that it has been a year. Rich and I are so blessed to have found one another and I could not ask for a better husband!

April 17, 2010 Rich and I wed before a group of our friends and family. It truly was my fairytale wedding. I could not have asked for anything better. My brother walked me down the aisle where my mom and dad met us to give me away as a family. Both Rich and I shed tears of joy as we said our vows and during the ceremony. It was my dream day, something I had long thought would always be a fantasy.

Rich is my soul mate. He allows me to be myself, from wild and crazy to emotional basket case, and loves me despite it all. We have laughed and cried, traveled and stayed home, agreed and disagreed but there is no one I would rather have done all this with or anyone I would rather spend the rest of my life with.

I am proud to be Mrs. Richard Rupanovic!

Our Adoption Story, more from the early days...

This was originally posted on 3/23/11 "First comes love..."

and so it continues:


For the next year, and beyond, I continued to have my doubts (all because of my own insecurities and doubts that I could have anything to offer) about weather Rich and I would work out. Many sleepless nights, tears and wondering could not get me out of my head. I couldn't stop wondering and second guessing the feelings Rich had for me and if I was worthy of them.


Spring of 2008, as graduation was nearing, Rich asked me to move in with him after grad school was complete. This too had been a stress for me. What was I going to do after graduation? I wanted to stay in DC with my friends, my work and the man I hoped to spend the rest of my life with. I didn't know how this was going to work since I was only making $9/hour in my internship (really?? you ask...yes, really. A MA degree only gets you $9/hour with the government, who would have thought they would pay THAT much! pffft). This was so stressful and here was my night in shining armor asking me to move in with him. So, the weekend after graduation I moved in.


This was an easy but tough situation all the same. How do you share a space, like a VERY small bathroom, and live with someone that you have never lived with before? This could either make or break us. Regardless I jumped in feet first and took the chance, with fingers and toes crossed, that it would all work out how it was meant to be.

We quickly fell into a routine, it felt natural to be with Rich and to share a home with him. Despite having our house torn apart for 3-4 months that fall, as well as re-doing our deck ourselves, we survived. I did have to get the heck out of town for a week, poor Rich had to deal with the sub-contractors and the remodel all alone, but we survived and without any major arguments or issues. At this point I began to think 'if we can survive living in chaos, without a kitchen and only one functioning toilet at a time (for 3-4 months), we can survive anything...maybe!' There was hope for an "US" and I was beginning to believe in that hope.

Don't get me wrong, I still had my emotional times, my struggles within myself that I could make Rich happy. I still had that internal struggle, trying to convince myself and wondering (and every once in a while asking Rich), how I could possibly make this man happy when he was giving up such a big dream. How could anyone love me enough to give up that dream and not resent me for it later!? To be completely honest, even NOW I still wonder this every great once in a while. I wonder what I ever did to deserve such a wonderful, loving and caring man who loves me the way I always wanted, and deserved, to be loved!?

Fast forward to April 16, 2009...one of the best days of my life thus far. It was 2 years and 3 days since our first date and I was sitting, at sunset, on a private dock at a lake house Rich had rented for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary. As I was trying to take pictures of the hawk, and her nest, that was just a few feet from where we were sitting. Rich was trying to figure out how/when the best moment to pop THE BIG QUESTION was. Me = CLUELESS. Rich = Nervous. It was a great day and it started a whirl wind of a year of planning for the day in which we would become Mr. and Mrs. Rupanovic. My happily ever after WOULD come after all...

Our Adoption Story, the second post from way back when...

This is from "Who knew it would be this hard..." originally posted 3/22/11


Here is part 2 to the "Adoption Journey" blogs that I will post:

After the surgery and after teaching for 2 years I decided to move to DC for graduate school at Gallaudet University. When I moved I was dating a guy that was...less than stellar and WAY LESS than I deserved! After breaking things off with him, my wonderful friend Sasha decided it was time for me to start dating and find someone worthy of my time and attention!

Sasha is the one responsible for Rich and I finding each other. She wrote my profile on Yahoo! Personals as well as the first email that was ever sent to Rich (on Feb 2, 2007):

Hey,

Introductions are kind of funny, aren't they? You don't know where to start but basically have to start from somewhere...Just wanted to say that your profile caught my eye.

Well...my name is Michelle, and I moved to Washington DC a few months ago, after teaching High School for two years, to further my education in Sign Language Interpretation. I was raised in Texas, so a Southern girl by heart but slowly being corrupted by the city lifestyle. :) Being here has been a lot of fun, I'm surrounded by a great group of friends and am extremely adventurous, however I haven't forgotten my roots- and that lies with my family, and unfortunately, according to my girls, some good country music and cowboy boots. I get made fun of for that. =) No really, I don't wear cowboy boots (often) but you get the drift right?!

Well, I'm going to go before I become Chatty Cathy..but hope to hear back from you soon, if you are interested.

~Michelle

Rich will tell you, he almost didn't respond because of the country music reference. Thankfully he did though! :) Our first date was on Friday, April 13, 2007. We had talked and emailed weekly from Feb-April and so we decided to meet face to face. He took me to Macaroni Grill for dinner (I can still remember where we sat, what we ordered and what we both were wearing that night). Despite me being late, thanks to DC traffic and a hair appointment gone bad...lets just say eggplant colored hair is not what you want for a first date!!!, we both had a good time. After dinner we went over to a pool hall down the road and spent more time talking and getting to know each other better.

While waiting for a pool table to open up we were deep in conversation about many things, the bulk of which was our families and our nieces and nephews. It was at this time I felt I needed to be honest with Rich. I asked him if he wanted children of his own, and as I suspected he said "yes". I decided now was the time to tell him for many reasons, the main one being that any relationship that had potential had to start out with honesty and we were both too old to be playing games. I didn't want this relationship to get serious and him not know the truth, if it was going to be a deal breaker it needed to be a deal breaker before it went too far! I know it took Rich by surprise but he will tell you that me being honest on that first date is one of the reasons he called me back, that it took courage and strength for me to be that open on the first date. That wasn't the only time that this would be an issue in our relationship.

I knew on our second date, at Match Box brick oven pizza in China Town (upstairs, tall table second from the window), I KNEW Rich was the man I was going to marry. We were talking and as I looked across the table at him I just knew, knew he was THE ONE. This realization didn't come as fast for Rich. Part of his struggle was that he had to know and be sure that he would be OK with not having his own biological children. I guess it was about four months into our relationship and Rich and I were at his house and I could tell something was bothering him. I asked him several times if he was OK and I would get the standard "yes" or "I'm fine". I knew, don't know how but I knew what was on his mind. I asked him point blank if it was bothering him that if we were to work out he would not have his own biological children.

It was through teary eyes that he honestly answered that question. After many tears and hugs and time in silence as well as discussing other options for having a family the night came to an end and I didn't know where we stood. I told him if he needed time away to think and figure it out for himself to let me know, he told me that he didn't need time away from me but did need time to think. Needless to say this hurt, no it stung and I felt my heart ripping to shreds. Here was this man, who I was falling in love with, could see a future with, who for the first time I felt would treat me the way I deserved and who shared goals and dreams of a future that I did, but he didn't know if he could be with me...

There were friends and family that I shared this with, who thought that it was cruel of him to be honest and say that to me. While it might have appeared that way to others, I didn't see it that way, I saw it as Rich being open and honest with me just as I had been with him on our first date. It hurt me just as much that first night as it probably did him the night he told me he was struggling with that fact. It did hurt, and it scared me, but I had to allow him the time to process the information. I had, at that point, 3 years to process and deal with the information. Rich deserved time as well, so I gave it to him. We went on dating but didn't address the issue of family unless he brought it up, I couldn't bear the thought of the possible let down or break up.

Throughout the next five months my mind and heart struggled with not knowing if this would be something that would come between Rich and I. My insecurities were enough without adding this fact into the mix, the fact that I would never be able to give the man I loved biological children of his own. It was a tough year for me, tougher than I think anyone ever realized. Many nights I would spend crying, wondering if this was meant to be and if I would get my "Happily Ever After" or if that was thrown away the same day as my surgery.

It was on my birthday 2007 that Rich told me those 3 little words I had been wanting to say to him, but dang well wasn't going to be the first to say them, for so long. It was at that moment that a part of my heart healed and knew that he had thought about and decided that he would be OK, that WE would be OK despite not having biological children of our own. Though my heart was still guarded and my mind was still thinking and analyzing, way more than it should have been, I was more hopeful than I had ever been that I too would have my happy ending. My happy ending would be with this man, the one I had fallen so hopelessly in love with.

Despite all this, and the joy that came with knowing that Rich loved me and was accepting the fact that I could not give him the biological children he had always dreamed of...I still couldn't get out of my head and still couldn't let the fear go that he might change his mind. He might leave me after all....

Our Adoption Story, the beginning

So trying to get caught up on our adoption story, lets go back to where it all began...

I originally posted this on 3/7/11:

Let's start at the very beginning:

I've been trying to figure out a way to blog about the adoption process. I have struggled with knowing where to start. I thought I didn't have anything to say, or not enough to say about it yet. After talking with a friend and after reading my Adoptive Families magazine this weekend I figured I could start at the very beginning and be completely candid about my feelings and the process I have gone through for the last several years, so here goes....

It all started when I was a freshman in college. I began having irregular periods. It only got worse from there. Fast forward through years of birth control and years of frustration, one day my period came and never left...for an entire year. After seeing several doctors and undergoing several procedures and trips to the operating room, there was still no end in sight. I was even referred to a fertility specialist. This specialist tried everything that she would have tried had I been a woman attempting to, and struggling with getting pregnant. Nothing worked. I was so over all of this I went back to my regular doctor and we discussed and decided that after 7 years of frustration it was time to consider my quality of life and we decided to do a hysterectomy. I had no way of knowing how infertility would effect my life, and in what ways.

This decision was a "no-brainer" until 6 days before my surgery. on June 10, 2004 my wonderful, fun loving nephew David was born. My kind-hearted sister-in-law, Natalie, allowed me to be in the delivery room with her, Mitch and my mom while David was born. This was the most beautiful and heart wrenching gift I have ever been given. I fell in love with that little man the instant I saw him. He was so tiny and so precious and it hit me like a ton of bricks that even if I wanted to give birth to my own children I would never be able to. There was no way around it, I would never be able to give birth and come the following week it was a done deal with no more attempts for "fixing" what the unknown problem was with my body.

That night, after a long emotional day in the hospital, my mom and I went to a local Mexican restaurant (Chuy's) and ordered dinner and margaritas. We both sobbed into our margaritas as I questioned my decision to go through with the hysterectomy. Even as I write this now, it is as raw of a feeling as it was that day. Though I know that there was no other decision to be made, no more tests to run or drugs to try, it hurt (and still does) that I would NEVER be able to have that beautiful moment my wonderful and loving brother and sister had just experienced, and allowed me to be a part of. There was no way I could NOT still have the surgery, it came down to a quality of life issue. I was 25 and my body had been put through hell trying to figure out what was causing these problems and still here I was 345 days into my "last menstrual period".

The surgery came and went, no problems there. After a night in the hospital, where I was visited by my brother who brought me a Bath and Bodywork's gift set and proceeded to put chap stick on me because my lips were dry :) , I was sent home. There it was, I wouldn't have to worry about having the problems that had ailed me for so long, not anymore.

December 29, 2005 it all came flooding back. My beautifully sassy niece, Blythe, was born. You would think that after 18 months I would be over the fact that I wouldn't be able to give birth and have my own biological children, you would be wrong. Blythe's birth hit harder than David's in many many ways. She was so precious and tiny and for reasons beyond my understanding she loves me more than I could ever hope for. Her birth sent me into another period of sadness and realization that this would never be me. Blythe is so special to me and I tease Natalie, now, that Blythe is a "mini-me". Bless Natalie's heart because Blythe is so much like I was at her age and we are both sassy and strong willed. Blythe had me, like David and Michael too, wrapped around her little tiny finger from the very first moment I saw her. We have a connection that I can't explain but am so very thankful for. With that wrap of the finger came pain that I hadn't let myself admit to feeling or process since the surgery and it hurt, hurt more than words can express. I am so thankful that, even though I can not give birth to any children, Mitch and Natalie allow me to be a part of David, Blythe and Michael's childhoods and watch them grow up and most of all, LOVE them with every fiber of my being!

So there it is, the first of a few emotional blogs to come on this journey I have been on for the last 13 years. I will post the next "chapter" soon...stay tuned for what's still to come. Much love and blessings to you all! Until the next post...

Joyful January

January seemed to fly by. I guess that's what happens when you don't get home from Christmas vacation until New Years Eve!?

There was some kind of wrestling event at the Air Force Academy in January so Rich and I drove up and spent the weekend with the Boushell family. I love this family! They are so much fun and great to be around. Us girls got busy in the kitchen and made blueberry muffins, testing out Jenn's new kitchen aid mixer, and made Rich's mom's sticky buns. While the guys went to wrestling the girls all went to Garden of the Gods and walked around, climbed a few rocks, and just had a good time. It was a quick trip up and back but it was fun, as always, to see and spend sometime with them!

That next week was Rich's birthday. I had been hearing good things about a place here called Farm and Table. So why not go celebrate with some friends and enjoy a good meal and good company!? So Bill and Tiffany and Rich and I went out for the evening to celebrate. Another great family to spend time with. A family I feel blessed to know! Thanks for helping me make Rich's birthday fun!

Such fun girls to be around!

going to miss being a short drive from Jenn and her family!



Kissing Camels

I think we could all be related!

Deep inside the rocks. I think my knee still hurts from where I bent down to take this picture

A little bit of rock climbing

Happy Birthday Rich (sadly this is the only picture from that night :( )