Our Adoption Story: Happy Birthday To MEEEE

Or so I thought...

The spring, summer and fall came and went. Rich and I were beginning to think that we were not going to be matched until we moved out of New Mexico. We knew we were expecting our orders sometime early in the new year, so we just kept plugging away with work and traveling etc. What else could we do?

I was at a 4 day conference when my phone rang. I was in the middle of a workshop, and my phone said it was an Arkansas number. Since I didn't recognize the number I let it go to voice mail. After the workshop session was over, and before I headed out to find some lunch, I checked my voice mail. It was a social worker from our adoption agency. I called her back but she didn't answer. I left her a message and it wasn't but a few minutes later that she returned my call.

She introduced herself and then told me that we were matched. My first words were "are you kidding me?". She started laughing and assured me she was not joking, that we had been picked by a birth mother who was due on November 20. It was Nov 9, one day after my birthday, that we got the call. The birth mother actually picked us ON November 8. I immediately started crying and could not believe what she was saying. It was a little boy, we were going to have a son. The birth mother was already having contractions and was told by her doctor that if they were to get worse that she needed to go to the hospital. I was told that we need to be ready to travel at any moment. I was so excited, I couldn't believe it. She explained some more to me about where we would need to fly into, where we would stay and for how long before going to a different part of the state to finalize with the attorney. Mostly what I heard was "blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah boy". I wasn't able to process everything, so thankfully she was emailing me all the details and the papers we needed to have notarized and sent back ASAP.

When I hung up with Laura, the social worker who called, I immediately called Rich. If I remember correctly he didn't answer. I don't remember if I left him a message or if I hung up and tried again a few minutes later. Either way, when I finally got ahold of him the first thing I asked was "Are you ready to be a daddy?". I don't think he understood what I was talking about because his response was something along the lines of "DUH!" lol. When I told him it was a match and that she was having contractions etc, he was excited. Not like me, I wear my heart on my sleeve and Rich is more reserved, but excited.

Needless to say I couldn't focus. No way was I going to sit through a stupid workshop, of which I didn't need the CEUs for anyway, when I had shopping to do and baby stuff to buy! So I left. I went home and read through the emails from the agency, all the information on travel and our little boy. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. Here we were thinking it wouldn't happen until after we moved and certainly not before we had to update our homestudy again, and we were matched. Who would have thunk it!?

Rich and I had decided long before this point that we were not going to tell anyone that we were matched with a birth mother. We were going to wait until we were on the plane on our way to meet and pick up our baby. This was so incredibly hard. I tell my mom just about everything, some things a mother just doesn't need to  know, and this was something she should know and something I wanted to share with her. But I couldn't, Rich and I had already made that decision and we did so to save ourselves from the "have you heard anything yet?" or "any news?" type questions. It was going to be hard enough on us waiting to get the "it's go time" call that we didn't need more stress and anxiety (unintentional as they may be) from anyone we shared this news with. I couldn't keep it bottled up though. I HAD to tell someone. So who do you tell?? One of your closest friends who is an interpreter and no stranger to confidentiality! Missie had just had her son Landon in October. We were matched with a birth mother who was having a little boy, who better to share the news with!? We were texting back and forth and planning, scheming all the things our little boys would do together and how fun it would be for us to go to Mommy and Me classes with our kiddos. She was helping me figure out what baby stuff I would need for the trip and what could wait until we got back. The excitement couldn't get any more tangible.

During all this our social worker Angie called us to schedule our "match call". This is the call with the agency to go over everything from A to Z on what to expect, what to do, what not to do, state laws, who you give what information to etc. We scheduled this for Monday morning at 9a MST. Rich and I both scheduled to go into work late that day so we could be home and on the call at the same time to hear everything, because at some point I was going to hear "blah blah blah, boy" again!

Over the weekend I couldn't contain myself. I talked Rich into going to purchase some clothes and blankets etc. How can we bring home a baby when we didn't have ANYTHING? So off we went. We went to Old Navy and bought some adorable winter warm clothes and to Gap to buy some more, to Babies R Us to get some blankets, a car seat and a few other things we thought we would need on arrival, the rest could wait.

The anticipation and excitement was building, I was about to explode. But in the back of my mind I feared the worst. What if this birth mother gave birth and didn't tell anyone? This was my biggest fear, one that kept me up at night worrying. It wasn't until Monday morning that I voiced this concern to Rich. We had our call with Angie and we went over everything. It was so overwhelming and a lot to take in all at once. I was trying to focus and take notes so that we could refer back to them as we were being placed in and presented with situations that she spoke about. After the call ended, and before Rich and I headed to work, I looked at Rich and said "What if she delivers and doesn't tell anyone?". Rich said he didn't know and that he had been wondering too. It was a fear that both of us had, and I don't think its all that unusual to have such a fear when so much is out of your hands. But for both of us to feel that way and fear that this would happen, too much to ignore.

I got to work and started my day. Not much was going on at work that day. I hadn't been there long and was just chatting with my office mates when my phone rang. It was Laura calling. She asked me if I had a minute, I knew this couldn't be good. With butterflies in my stomach I moved to an empty office and closed the door. Laura proceeded to tell me that the birth mother who had picked us delivered over the weekend and didn't tell anyone. She went on to say that they were trying to get more information and trying to get ahold of the birth mother. She said not to travel or make travel plans yet. I was in shock. My worst fear came to fruition. How could this be happening?

Over the next couple of days I spoke to Laura several times. She would call and give me updates as often as she could. Eventually, on Wednesday, she called to tell me that they were pulling the plug and backing off. They were not comfortable having us, or any adoptive family, be involved in such uncertainty. We spoke for almost an hour, I cried and off loaded everything I was feeling and my fears and doubts that we were ever going to have our family. Laura was amazing. Here was this woman who I had never met and yet she sat and listened to me cry. She gave amazing words of encouragement and assured me that we would in fact have our family. Though she herself has never adopted, her best friend had and her best friend had also experienced a failed adoption before bringing home her child. Laura said "her daughter is perfect and a perfect fit into their family. you too will have a child and that child will be the one meant for you." It sounds cliché but it was reassuring.

Long story short, They pulled the plug on the adoption because the birth mother lied. She lied about everything from the birth father being in prison (he wasn't and she posted pictures of him and the baby on her Facebook) to her not naming the baby or wanting to see the baby (she posted pictures of her with the baby and announced his name etc. on Facebook). They feel that she lied about everything, said what she thought adoptive parents wanted to hear and did it all to get rent money. They cannot prove fraud, or they would have taken her to court. Laura was angry. Angry that someone could be so heartless and do such a thing with blatant disregard to the others involved. It was nice to hear that she was angry for us and for this situation. She didn't hold back her feelings and let me express mine. It was reassuring. It was also nice to know that we had an agency working for us that also had our best interests in mind. They were not going to, knowingly, send us into a situation that never had a chance of becoming a successful placement.

I was sad. Sad for Rich and I and that the feeling of hopelessness was finding its way back to me once again. I was even more sad for the little baby that had a chance. This baby had a chance at an amazing life, even if it had been with a different adoptive family. Instead, due to selfishness, this baby would be stuck in the same cycle his mother was stuck in. If anything that she reported was true this baby would have a very unstable life on the streets. The birth mother was homeless and had drug use in her past. Had other children and was struggling to support herself. I was sad that this is the life this little boy would undoubtedly know. If this mother can turn her life around and make a good stable life for herself and her children I am THRILLED. Honestly though, from her story, it doesn't seem like it would be something she could do in the immediate future. That made me sad for the baby, her other children and for her. Especially for the innocent baby that had a shot at something more.

I had to get out of the office for a little while. I left, I sat in my car and called my mom and cried. It hurt so bad. I got the "this wasn't the baby that was supposed to be yours" comment, not just from mom. I hate that comment, for the record, I know that. Rationally I know this. I am well aware that this wasn't the baby that was meant to be ours, or he would be in our arms, but that doesn't help ease the pain. It sucks. The whole situation sucks, for everyone involved. We were so close this time, or so we thought.

After some tears were shed, mine...on Rich's shoulder, we had to take everything back. It was so painful. It was like living that phone call all over again. All the cute clothes we had purchased went back to the stores. Every time I was asked "was anything wrong with them?" I wanted to cry or scream or punch the cashier in the face. Yes something was wrong with them, I didn't have a child to put in them. We had to return them though. We didn't know when the next match would come or if it would be a boy. It was winter, we bought winter clothes. If we were matched in the spring, what good do winter clothes do us? If we were matched with a girl, I am no putting her in super hero onesies! I hated every moment of returning the baby items to the stores, but realistically it wasn't any better to keep them!

It was so hard to get past this. It was the closest we had ever been to bringing a little one home. We had talked about and planned the holidays with our wee one. Holidays that now, again, would be void of what we wanted the most. It was painful. Haven't we had enough heartache in this journey? How can I possibly handle something like this again? Do we continue on this journey or do we take a break and breathe, reassess this thing called adoption?