Paradise for a week

For our first anniversary Rich and I were able to go to Aruba for the week and stay at a golf resort right off the beach. It was absolute paradise! We actually won, yes that's right I said WON, this trip while on our honeymoon. That's the way to do it! :)

These "little" guys were all over the place. We were told they are a delicacy in Aruba. I had NO desire to even entertain the possibility of trying it. NO THANK YOU.

On our last full day in Aruba Rich and I went to the butterfly farm. If you know me, you know I took a gazillion pictures. It was SO beautiful and I didn't want to leave.

Our last full day in Aruba. It was a beautiful day and an absolutely breathtaking sunset. It was such a nice week away. We didn't talk about work or adoption or anything that could possible bring on stress. It was nice to get away for the week and just enjoy each other and celebrate the first year of our marriage.

It was July 4th and Aruba "knows who their sugar daddy is" (according to Rich). The put on a great fireworks show. What a great way to end our week. We are truly blessed!

A week in Texas

In June I was able to go to Austin and visit my family for a few days before heading on to Corpus Christi for the Texas Society of Interpreters for the Deaf conference.

Mom playing baseball with the kids, Michael was playing catcher and David was pitching. Blythe and I were the cheerleaders.

I was showing Blythe and David the "draw" feature on our new camera, they thought this was cool (and so do I) :)

Blythe and Michael with Aunt Chelle. I had a great time at home, it was good to see the kids and have a little time with my mom and family. Though it was a short trip, I was glad I was able to make it!

When I was in DC in May, I was able to sweet talk Missie into going to Texas with me for the TSID conference. There is nothing like some good M&M time!! It was a great conference and it was awesome getting more time with Missie!!!

Adoption Update:

So its been a while since I have posted anything, its time to get caught up:

After traveling to DC this past May I came back home for a few weeks and worked worked worked. Rich and I were able to discuss and decide that we were going to jump back into the adoption process, this time using a domestic agency that specializes in new born babies. After calling and asking some questions of the agency, we decided to go with Heart to Heart Adoptions. They are based out of Utah but have mothers from all over the country.

We filled out the application, got our home study amended, had supporting documents (back ground checks, finger prints etc) sent and reference letters written and sent to the new agency. We also had to do a profile of who we are, basically our life story in a cute little presentation. Thanks to my mom and her smarts, we were able to do this fairly painlessly by creating a photo book. I worked on this book non-stop for 3 days. The first day alone I worked on it for 11 hours. With the help of Missie, Sheila, Mandy and a few others this was created, edited and printed all within one week. We received the books in short order, signed them and then put them back in the mail to the agency so that they had everything they needed for us to work with them. Then the waiting began...

(this is the link to our book if you are interested in taking a look):

http://www.kodakgallery.com/gallery/sharing/shareRedirectSwitchBoard.jsp?token=724382913606%3A2141145167&type=product&sourceld=533754321803&cm_mmc=eMail-_-Share-_-Project-_-Sharee

Las Vegas Anyone? YES PLEASE!

Over Memorial Day weekend Rich and I went to Las Vegas with some friends to celebrate Tom's birthday. This was my first time in Vegas and it was a great weekend. We were able to get away fromt he reality of the adoption upset that was handed to us the week before and just enjoy ourselves with some good friends and good laughs!

While in Vegas, Rich and I went to the Cirque Du Soleil Mystere show at Treasure Island. This was an amazing show. If you find yourself in Vegas, you should go!!!

Jenn and Stephanie with the days public service announcement: "Spooning leads to forking"

Rich and I also went to Madame Tussauds while we were there. I think I had more fun than Rich did posing with the figures!

See, we could join the Blue Man Group!!

After we left Vegass Rich and I made a stop at Hoover Dam on our way home.

We even took a tour of the power plant. This was pretty cool!!

It was a great weekend and I am glad we made the trip! Can't wait for the next trip!

Not very comforting!

This post is straight from my heart and very real. This is not meant to make anyone mad or feel anything more than a better understanding of what I am feeling right now!!!

As I began to tell friends and family about the loss of Katia, a common thread began to appear. Many people said the same thing to me, while meant to be comforting it wasn't. Most of the loved ones and friends I decided to share this information with, via Facebook, text and phone calls, said virtually the same thing "It just wasn't meant to be" or some variation of this statement. Despite all efforts, this was not comforting and this did not dull the pain any.

While most of you know me and know that I am a "glass half full" kind of person and that I am a firm believer in "If its meant to be it will be", I am not in the right frame of mind for those comments. These statements did not make me feel any better. This is not something I am capable of telling myself and believing right now.

This loss is essentially my miscarriage. For the last 7 months of my life this little girl has been mine, she has been at the center of my thoughts and conversations and excitement since October, and now she is gone. Women who are pregnant and have a miscarriage these types of statements, "It wasn't meant to be", are not said to them. This is not something that you would say because it doesn't make sense and it doesn't offer any comfort. So why say it to an adoptive parent who loses their child? Its the same thing, and it does not provide the comfort you were hoping for! In fact, it hurts more. These statements (again, I realize they are meant to show support and comfort) make it all the more clear that FEW people realize what this feels like and what I am going through and feeling at this moment. It makes me feel even more alone in this situation because there is no feeling of understanding or empathy that I so dearly need right now.

While the logical and rational side of me is happy for Katia and happy that she will have a family to call her own, this doesn't make my pain any less real or the loss any less tangible. I know that this process is completely out of my hands and that there is a child out there that needs us just as much as we need them, that doesn't make this loss any less painful. I know that we will be parents when it is our time and I know that God has a plan for us, but right now I need time to grieve. I need time to grieve the loss of my daughter, the one who I have dreamt about and loved for the past 7 months. I had no idea that my heart could love, and be broken, so much by a little girl that I have never met. My heart and I need time to heal from this.

I do not know when Rich and I will pick back up and begin the adoption process again and if we will do domestic or international adoption. Right now, Rich and I need to be together and process this hurt and loss as a couple and decide what our next step will be. It has been a long, emotional week and with Rich and I STILL not being in the same state we have not had the time to sort through our feelings as husband and wife. I am hoping that he makes it home tomorrow (all flights were cancelled today) and that we can just be together and grieve as a family before we pick up and decide what to do next.

Heartbroken

After MONTHS of frustrating paperwork and deadlines we are told some heartbreaking and earth shattering news. Our little girl is not ours...

Last week I had the pleasure of flying to DC to be with my friend Missie and her husband Sebastian, to work and to attend what turned out to be one of the best conferences I have been to in a while. I was very much looking forward to this trip and was in a great mood starting out.

This all changed when I landed in Denver for my layover. I was settling down in my gate waiting to get on my next plane and land in DC. I received a call from my adoption counselor. I thought this was regarding our meeting, scheduled for the next day, to discus the international paperwork and deadlines fast approaching. I also thought this could be pertaining to the availability date of Katia as we had been told we would receive that some time this month. This was not the case.

I was quickly connected to the executive director of the agency. When this transfer happened I began to think that this was not a good phone call, maybe I was going to hear that Ukraine was closing their borders and our process would take even longer. I never expected what was coming. Diana has been so great during this whole process, making sure all her Ukrainian families were up to date on all the latest happenings pertaining to adoption law changes. This time, this is not what she was going to be talking to me about. This time it was worse than I ever imagined. This phone call would change my world as I knew it and put a HUGE damper in my trip. This phone call was to tell me that Katia is no longer ours for adopting, she was being adopted by the doctor who works with the children in the orphanage. The doctor could "fix her hearing" and was going to expedited the adoption of her, thus we had no reason to continue the process for our little girl.

It took everything in me not to crumble in the airport. Here I was all alone with hundreds of people passing by. I couldn't help it, I started bawling. My dream of being a mother, specifically a mother to this specific little girl had just been ripped from me and there was nothing I could do about it. The conversation wasn't a long one, I knew I would not be able to take much more and I was losing control as it was. I quickly hung up, I was hurting and I had many unanswered questions. The first thing I did was call Rich, I needed my husband and we were hundreds of miles away from one another and would be for the next week and a half. I needed him to lean on and instead all I had was a cold airport chair in a crowded airport, not very comforting!

My heart is broken and I don't know if/when it will heal. This isn't easy news to digest, still 9 days later I'm not sure I have let myself fully accept what has happened.

Then comes a baby...

Just not in a baby carriage.

Long before we got married Rich and I knew that adoption would be in our future. Rich and I moved to Albuquerque in August of 2010. Since I knew I would not be working right away, my "job" was to research adoption so that we could start the process of building our family. I had no idea of the emotional roller coaster that was ahead of me!

Rich and I had discussed our plans for family and where we would start. We had decided that we would start with a newborn/infant and then build from there. We knew that we wanted up to 3 children, one as young as possible and two 'older' children who deserved a loving home to call their own. I also, for as long as I can remember, knew I wanted to adopt at least one "special needs" child, specifically a deaf child. We wanted to start young so that our older children would not EVER feel as if they were not good enough for not being a baby when they came into our family. So out I searched for adoption agencies and all the details needed to make a decision of which agency to use to adopt our bouncing little bundle of joy.

Sitting in Albuquerque, no friends and no family in sight, and doing adoption research; I soon became very depressed. I was SHOCKED and HORRIFIED in what I was finding in regards to adoption expenses. Agencies were charging, as Rich says, by emotional value. Some wanted up to $60,000.00 for a newborn baby, some were charging based on income of the family and some were not posting their prices, which leads you to believe it was more than you can afford. I cried, many times, thinking that our dream of being parents was so far from our reach due to the prices agencies were charging. I thought there was no way we could afford a newborn. To stop shedding tears I would start looking at agencies/organizations that had 'older' children to see what that would be like. I found several listings (adoptuskids.org, rainbowkids.com and others) that had thousands of pictures of children and sibling groups waiting and hoping for a family to call their own. I was enraged, how on earth can these agencies charge so much when there are children at stake!? And people wonder why our foster system is busting at the seams!? It is ridiculous to say the least.

Rainbowkids.com is one site I signed up to receive their monthly newsletters from. This is a photo listing of children all over the world who have some kind, or multiple, special need. This one appealed to me because it was the only site that would filter out based on need, country, gender etc, but more importantly a site that listed Deaf/hard of hearing children. I would get their emails once a month and I would always look to see if there were any new children listed under the D/hh section, just to see and to keep that in the back of our minds when we were ready to go down that road.

Life is funny...the best laid plans always have room for changes! October 19, 2010 I opened my email and saw a picture that would change our lives. A precious blond hair little girl with the cutest lop-sided pig tails in Ukraine had just been added to their photo listing on October 18, 2010. I stared at her picture for the longest time, kept coming back to the picture and could not get her out of my mind. The name listed was 'Katerina' such a beautiful name for such a precious little soul. Don't get me wrong, there were other precious children on the photo listing but I could not stop thinking about this one in particular, it was as if she reached out of the computer screen and took hold of my heart.

Rich came home from work that day and I immediately sent him upstairs to look at the computer. He came down for dinner and I asked "Can we have her?". I think he thought I was kidding at first, after all his response was "Seriously?". We discussed it over dinner and he told me to call the next day and find out more information on her.

That next day was the day we began the process of adopting our first child. After our application was approved we were able to learn her real name, Katya (or Katia, maybe Katja...we are not sure of the spelling yet). She turned 5 years old on Thanksgiving 2010 and shares a birthday with my Aunt Kathy and Uncle Milton. We are still in the process of the MOUNDS of paper work (to be blogged about later) but are so very excited for the day we can, hopefully, call her our daughter.

If all goes according to plan and we are approved to adopt an orphan, we will be traveling in November or December and we are very much looking forward to that day when we can meet our little girl!