This post is straight from my heart and very real. This is not meant to make anyone mad or feel anything more than a better understanding of what I am feeling right now!!!
As I began to tell friends and family about the loss of Katia, a common thread began to appear. Many people said the same thing to me, while meant to be comforting it wasn't. Most of the loved ones and friends I decided to share this information with, via Facebook, text and phone calls, said virtually the same thing "It just wasn't meant to be" or some variation of this statement. Despite all efforts, this was not comforting and this did not dull the pain any.
While most of you know me and know that I am a "glass half full" kind of person and that I am a firm believer in "If its meant to be it will be", I am not in the right frame of mind for those comments. These statements did not make me feel any better. This is not something I am capable of telling myself and believing right now.
This loss is essentially my miscarriage. For the last 7 months of my life this little girl has been mine, she has been at the center of my thoughts and conversations and excitement since October, and now she is gone. Women who are pregnant and have a miscarriage these types of statements, "It wasn't meant to be", are not said to them. This is not something that you would say because it doesn't make sense and it doesn't offer any comfort. So why say it to an adoptive parent who loses their child? Its the same thing, and it does not provide the comfort you were hoping for! In fact, it hurts more. These statements (again, I realize they are meant to show support and comfort) make it all the more clear that FEW people realize what this feels like and what I am going through and feeling at this moment. It makes me feel even more alone in this situation because there is no feeling of understanding or empathy that I so dearly need right now.
While the logical and rational side of me is happy for Katia and happy that she will have a family to call her own, this doesn't make my pain any less real or the loss any less tangible. I know that this process is completely out of my hands and that there is a child out there that needs us just as much as we need them, that doesn't make this loss any less painful. I know that we will be parents when it is our time and I know that God has a plan for us, but right now I need time to grieve. I need time to grieve the loss of my daughter, the one who I have dreamt about and loved for the past 7 months. I had no idea that my heart could love, and be broken, so much by a little girl that I have never met. My heart and I need time to heal from this.
I do not know when Rich and I will pick back up and begin the adoption process again and if we will do domestic or international adoption. Right now, Rich and I need to be together and process this hurt and loss as a couple and decide what our next step will be. It has been a long, emotional week and with Rich and I STILL not being in the same state we have not had the time to sort through our feelings as husband and wife. I am hoping that he makes it home tomorrow (all flights were cancelled today) and that we can just be together and grieve as a family before we pick up and decide what to do next.
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You are right baby, you do need time to grieve. I can only speak for myself; but when you told me the news, shock was my first reaction and then anger that they did this to you and Rich. I did not want you to know my anger but also I have not walked in your shoes and don't know how to comfort. I think everyone saying "it wasn't meant to be' was because people were trying to figure out what was going on and a knee jerk reaction to try and say something that would make this logical. It isn't logical and it isn't fair. All I know from my life is that sometimes we have to go thru the storm even if we don't want to.
ReplyDeleteThis scripture has helped me and I pray that it does you: Romans 5:1-5
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Our family has lots of CHARACTER.....Love you both.