Heartbroken

After MONTHS of frustrating paperwork and deadlines we are told some heartbreaking and earth shattering news. Our little girl is not ours...

Last week I had the pleasure of flying to DC to be with my friend Missie and her husband Sebastian, to work and to attend what turned out to be one of the best conferences I have been to in a while. I was very much looking forward to this trip and was in a great mood starting out.

This all changed when I landed in Denver for my layover. I was settling down in my gate waiting to get on my next plane and land in DC. I received a call from my adoption counselor. I thought this was regarding our meeting, scheduled for the next day, to discus the international paperwork and deadlines fast approaching. I also thought this could be pertaining to the availability date of Katia as we had been told we would receive that some time this month. This was not the case.

I was quickly connected to the executive director of the agency. When this transfer happened I began to think that this was not a good phone call, maybe I was going to hear that Ukraine was closing their borders and our process would take even longer. I never expected what was coming. Diana has been so great during this whole process, making sure all her Ukrainian families were up to date on all the latest happenings pertaining to adoption law changes. This time, this is not what she was going to be talking to me about. This time it was worse than I ever imagined. This phone call would change my world as I knew it and put a HUGE damper in my trip. This phone call was to tell me that Katia is no longer ours for adopting, she was being adopted by the doctor who works with the children in the orphanage. The doctor could "fix her hearing" and was going to expedited the adoption of her, thus we had no reason to continue the process for our little girl.

It took everything in me not to crumble in the airport. Here I was all alone with hundreds of people passing by. I couldn't help it, I started bawling. My dream of being a mother, specifically a mother to this specific little girl had just been ripped from me and there was nothing I could do about it. The conversation wasn't a long one, I knew I would not be able to take much more and I was losing control as it was. I quickly hung up, I was hurting and I had many unanswered questions. The first thing I did was call Rich, I needed my husband and we were hundreds of miles away from one another and would be for the next week and a half. I needed him to lean on and instead all I had was a cold airport chair in a crowded airport, not very comforting!

My heart is broken and I don't know if/when it will heal. This isn't easy news to digest, still 9 days later I'm not sure I have let myself fully accept what has happened.