Our Adoption Story: More Birthday Wishes?

Rich and I both went to work the morning of his birthday, Jan 30. We had plans with some of our good friends for dinner that night to celebrate his birthday. It was going to be a good day.

While at work I got a call from our agency. Kathie was calling because they had a birthmother that was due very soon and looking for a family and was having trouble finding one she liked. From what they were seeing, and what she was saying she wanted, they thought we would be a good match for her.

I was very excited, hopeful and still very guarded and trying to keep my feelings in check. I didn't want to get too excited before knowing more and before talking with Rich. I was also at work and Rich and I had decided not to tell anyone anything until we had the baby in our arms. I was trying not to let on what was going on and who I was on the phone with etc. This is hard to do when you share an office, but I think I was able to pull it off to a certain extent.

I spoke to Kathie for a while and then called Rich. It was hard because this situation seemed to be perfect, but the expenses for this adoption were more than we could comfortably afford. This is the same situation that we were presented with a couple of weeks ago and had to walk away from, for this very reason. Rich and I spoke and he gave me a top number for us. I emailed Kathie with a couple of questions about the birth mother and also about the finances.

Kathie explained that there had already been some professional courtesy fees waived but that she would tell the law office, that was who the birth mother was working with and they contacted our agency, what we could do and see what they said. She said that she would present it as a "take it or leave it" number and just see what they said. She was very supportive about us not wanting to go above what we could afford and about being comfortable with the amount of money we spent to adopt. Never once was there any pressure or suggestion to go above what we said we could do.

So Kathie presented our number and we just had to sit back and wait...Have I mentioned I am not a patient person and I hate waiting!? Cuz I'm not, and I hate the hurry up and wait routine...

Later that night, we went to celebrate Rich's birthday. We had a great time and no one knew anything. I think I was even able to push the thoughts of all that had transpired during that day aside and focus on having a good time and celebrating my husband. Happy Birthday Rich, I love you!!!

Our Adoption Story: lots of emails

Man, where has the time gone? Its been a few days since I posted and I feel like I am far behind here. I guess that's what happens when you are in the middle of moving across the country!

Anyway...

So as the new year approached, we began getting a lot of emails from our agency. It was SO very nice to see them working for us, working to make our dream of being a family come true.

We would get emails, sometimes multiple emails, weekly it seemed. We were getting emails asking if our profile could be shown to some birth mothers. We would review the medical and social history information the agency had on the mothers and make a decision from there. 

There was always a lot of research that went into being able to provide an answer as to if we wanted to be shown or not. Some of these birth mothers were taking medications, doctor prescribed, that I wanted to know the possible birth defects/complications involved with them. So Google and I became best buds. But OH the curse of Google. Some things are better left unsearched, not really...we needed to know. But these searches would often times leave me more confused than anything. So many conflicting results or confusing case study reports. I wanted a clear cut "this is what it does..." answer. Thanks Google, thanks for nothing but a severe headache!

I was also researching statistics on "if a mother has___, then the baby is ___ likely to have it as well". Things such as bipolar, schizophrenia, and other (to me) scary mental health disorders. Again, this was not a helpful search at all. But who do I ask these things to? I don't carry a pediatrician and/or psychologist in my back pocket so I didn't have anyone in the know to ask.  So to Google I would turn. Again, painstaking headaches were a result from these searches. I still felt like, even though it was mostly confusing, I was able to gather enough information to make a semi informed decision.

Rich and I would talk, in length, about each situation. Some of them that we were presented with I wanted to respond YES without even consulting Rich, but that isn't fair nor is that a healthy way to approach making a family with your spouse! Some of the birth mothers profiles we were presented with were a clear cut, this isn't the child for us, profile. We knew, based on the information given, that we were not prepared to handle the possible outcome and health issues the baby may have been born with. Others weren't so easy. It took a lot of soul searching, prayer and discussion to come up with what the right answer for us to give the agency was.

There were quite a few we said no to, but there were almost just as many we said that we would like our profile shown for as well. Once we said to show our profile, it was a waiting game. Some we would hear back that they had chosen another family and others we wouldn't hear anything from. Our agency explained that there are birth mothers who receive the profiles and take months to decide or pick a family and others who receive profiles and never contact the agency again. None the less, the waiting SUCKS!

We were presented with a birth mothers information on January 15. Everything about this situation looked like it was a good one, until we read how much this particular adoption would cost. It was WELL over our budget and well over anything we could afford. We had set our budget with our agency but Rich and I had some wiggle room and could do a little more than we had originally said, but not this much more. Sadly we had to tell the agency no. Everything else about this was a perfect match in what we were looking for in a birth mother. It was so hard to say no for the money alone, but what price do you put on a child? How much is too much? At what point do you say "we want this child but we cannot go into debt for them"? This was that time. Rich and I want a baby but we can not put ourselves in debt for them and not be able to provide the life for our children that we want to provide, because we spent everything we had to bring them home. It was sad and hard to do but in the end we had to walk away.

And still more emails came to my inbox, more discussions between Rich and I and more "yes" and "no" responses sent to the agency. But for the first time in a long time, I was feeling hopeful. I still felt we wouldn't bring home a little one until we moved, but I was hopeful and excited about this process again.

Our adoption story: Full steam ahead

After we had our "failed" adoption, Angie (our social worker) called. She, and Laura, called several times to check on us and see how we were doing. She also gave us the option to hold our profile from being shown for a little while, to process what had happened, or to continue being shown. Fortunately because everything, with the match and then it not working out, happened so fast they didn't have time to put a hold on our profile and it was still being sent out. Rich  and I had talked about it and we decided to keep on keepin' on. We didn't want to put any more time between us and our child.

When I spoke with Angie I asked her if there was anything we needed to change in our profile or APQ. I asked her this every time I spoke with her. She said no, that they were getting positive feedback about us from birth mothers but that we weren't being shown as often as we could be because of the new law NM passed. It was so discouraging, Rich and I seriously started believing that we would not be matched with a birth mom until we moved out of New Mexico. That move was still at least 8 months away.

The holidays came and went. We had a great time with friends and family during the holidays but the fact that this was now the second holiday season we thought we would share with a child of our own, and the fact that we weren't, weighed heavily on my heart. It was tough to think that though we had already waited so long, we would continue to wait for an unforeseen amount of time. Simply put, it sucked!

January was time to update our home study. Again. This would be the 4th time we had done our home study, I was getting tired of doing it and asking friends and family to once again send in reference letters for us. Rich and I had tossed around the idea of not updating it and just going inactive until we were transferred. We both agreed that with June being the earliest we could move, 6 months was a long time to be inactive. So we decided to move forward with the update and contacted our home study agency.

By January 30th our home study and all our background clearances were  complete and being forwarded to our agency so their files could be updated. With that done, we could celebrate Rich's birthday and sit back and wait for "the call" to come in, though we both doubted we would get said call until we moved. Summer time was beginning to look like it was forever away and I was feeling that we couldn't move fast enough.

Our Adoption Story: Happy Birthday To MEEEE

Or so I thought...

The spring, summer and fall came and went. Rich and I were beginning to think that we were not going to be matched until we moved out of New Mexico. We knew we were expecting our orders sometime early in the new year, so we just kept plugging away with work and traveling etc. What else could we do?

I was at a 4 day conference when my phone rang. I was in the middle of a workshop, and my phone said it was an Arkansas number. Since I didn't recognize the number I let it go to voice mail. After the workshop session was over, and before I headed out to find some lunch, I checked my voice mail. It was a social worker from our adoption agency. I called her back but she didn't answer. I left her a message and it wasn't but a few minutes later that she returned my call.

She introduced herself and then told me that we were matched. My first words were "are you kidding me?". She started laughing and assured me she was not joking, that we had been picked by a birth mother who was due on November 20. It was Nov 9, one day after my birthday, that we got the call. The birth mother actually picked us ON November 8. I immediately started crying and could not believe what she was saying. It was a little boy, we were going to have a son. The birth mother was already having contractions and was told by her doctor that if they were to get worse that she needed to go to the hospital. I was told that we need to be ready to travel at any moment. I was so excited, I couldn't believe it. She explained some more to me about where we would need to fly into, where we would stay and for how long before going to a different part of the state to finalize with the attorney. Mostly what I heard was "blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah boy". I wasn't able to process everything, so thankfully she was emailing me all the details and the papers we needed to have notarized and sent back ASAP.

When I hung up with Laura, the social worker who called, I immediately called Rich. If I remember correctly he didn't answer. I don't remember if I left him a message or if I hung up and tried again a few minutes later. Either way, when I finally got ahold of him the first thing I asked was "Are you ready to be a daddy?". I don't think he understood what I was talking about because his response was something along the lines of "DUH!" lol. When I told him it was a match and that she was having contractions etc, he was excited. Not like me, I wear my heart on my sleeve and Rich is more reserved, but excited.

Needless to say I couldn't focus. No way was I going to sit through a stupid workshop, of which I didn't need the CEUs for anyway, when I had shopping to do and baby stuff to buy! So I left. I went home and read through the emails from the agency, all the information on travel and our little boy. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. Here we were thinking it wouldn't happen until after we moved and certainly not before we had to update our homestudy again, and we were matched. Who would have thunk it!?

Rich and I had decided long before this point that we were not going to tell anyone that we were matched with a birth mother. We were going to wait until we were on the plane on our way to meet and pick up our baby. This was so incredibly hard. I tell my mom just about everything, some things a mother just doesn't need to  know, and this was something she should know and something I wanted to share with her. But I couldn't, Rich and I had already made that decision and we did so to save ourselves from the "have you heard anything yet?" or "any news?" type questions. It was going to be hard enough on us waiting to get the "it's go time" call that we didn't need more stress and anxiety (unintentional as they may be) from anyone we shared this news with. I couldn't keep it bottled up though. I HAD to tell someone. So who do you tell?? One of your closest friends who is an interpreter and no stranger to confidentiality! Missie had just had her son Landon in October. We were matched with a birth mother who was having a little boy, who better to share the news with!? We were texting back and forth and planning, scheming all the things our little boys would do together and how fun it would be for us to go to Mommy and Me classes with our kiddos. She was helping me figure out what baby stuff I would need for the trip and what could wait until we got back. The excitement couldn't get any more tangible.

During all this our social worker Angie called us to schedule our "match call". This is the call with the agency to go over everything from A to Z on what to expect, what to do, what not to do, state laws, who you give what information to etc. We scheduled this for Monday morning at 9a MST. Rich and I both scheduled to go into work late that day so we could be home and on the call at the same time to hear everything, because at some point I was going to hear "blah blah blah, boy" again!

Over the weekend I couldn't contain myself. I talked Rich into going to purchase some clothes and blankets etc. How can we bring home a baby when we didn't have ANYTHING? So off we went. We went to Old Navy and bought some adorable winter warm clothes and to Gap to buy some more, to Babies R Us to get some blankets, a car seat and a few other things we thought we would need on arrival, the rest could wait.

The anticipation and excitement was building, I was about to explode. But in the back of my mind I feared the worst. What if this birth mother gave birth and didn't tell anyone? This was my biggest fear, one that kept me up at night worrying. It wasn't until Monday morning that I voiced this concern to Rich. We had our call with Angie and we went over everything. It was so overwhelming and a lot to take in all at once. I was trying to focus and take notes so that we could refer back to them as we were being placed in and presented with situations that she spoke about. After the call ended, and before Rich and I headed to work, I looked at Rich and said "What if she delivers and doesn't tell anyone?". Rich said he didn't know and that he had been wondering too. It was a fear that both of us had, and I don't think its all that unusual to have such a fear when so much is out of your hands. But for both of us to feel that way and fear that this would happen, too much to ignore.

I got to work and started my day. Not much was going on at work that day. I hadn't been there long and was just chatting with my office mates when my phone rang. It was Laura calling. She asked me if I had a minute, I knew this couldn't be good. With butterflies in my stomach I moved to an empty office and closed the door. Laura proceeded to tell me that the birth mother who had picked us delivered over the weekend and didn't tell anyone. She went on to say that they were trying to get more information and trying to get ahold of the birth mother. She said not to travel or make travel plans yet. I was in shock. My worst fear came to fruition. How could this be happening?

Over the next couple of days I spoke to Laura several times. She would call and give me updates as often as she could. Eventually, on Wednesday, she called to tell me that they were pulling the plug and backing off. They were not comfortable having us, or any adoptive family, be involved in such uncertainty. We spoke for almost an hour, I cried and off loaded everything I was feeling and my fears and doubts that we were ever going to have our family. Laura was amazing. Here was this woman who I had never met and yet she sat and listened to me cry. She gave amazing words of encouragement and assured me that we would in fact have our family. Though she herself has never adopted, her best friend had and her best friend had also experienced a failed adoption before bringing home her child. Laura said "her daughter is perfect and a perfect fit into their family. you too will have a child and that child will be the one meant for you." It sounds cliché but it was reassuring.

Long story short, They pulled the plug on the adoption because the birth mother lied. She lied about everything from the birth father being in prison (he wasn't and she posted pictures of him and the baby on her Facebook) to her not naming the baby or wanting to see the baby (she posted pictures of her with the baby and announced his name etc. on Facebook). They feel that she lied about everything, said what she thought adoptive parents wanted to hear and did it all to get rent money. They cannot prove fraud, or they would have taken her to court. Laura was angry. Angry that someone could be so heartless and do such a thing with blatant disregard to the others involved. It was nice to hear that she was angry for us and for this situation. She didn't hold back her feelings and let me express mine. It was reassuring. It was also nice to know that we had an agency working for us that also had our best interests in mind. They were not going to, knowingly, send us into a situation that never had a chance of becoming a successful placement.

I was sad. Sad for Rich and I and that the feeling of hopelessness was finding its way back to me once again. I was even more sad for the little baby that had a chance. This baby had a chance at an amazing life, even if it had been with a different adoptive family. Instead, due to selfishness, this baby would be stuck in the same cycle his mother was stuck in. If anything that she reported was true this baby would have a very unstable life on the streets. The birth mother was homeless and had drug use in her past. Had other children and was struggling to support herself. I was sad that this is the life this little boy would undoubtedly know. If this mother can turn her life around and make a good stable life for herself and her children I am THRILLED. Honestly though, from her story, it doesn't seem like it would be something she could do in the immediate future. That made me sad for the baby, her other children and for her. Especially for the innocent baby that had a shot at something more.

I had to get out of the office for a little while. I left, I sat in my car and called my mom and cried. It hurt so bad. I got the "this wasn't the baby that was supposed to be yours" comment, not just from mom. I hate that comment, for the record, I know that. Rationally I know this. I am well aware that this wasn't the baby that was meant to be ours, or he would be in our arms, but that doesn't help ease the pain. It sucks. The whole situation sucks, for everyone involved. We were so close this time, or so we thought.

After some tears were shed, mine...on Rich's shoulder, we had to take everything back. It was so painful. It was like living that phone call all over again. All the cute clothes we had purchased went back to the stores. Every time I was asked "was anything wrong with them?" I wanted to cry or scream or punch the cashier in the face. Yes something was wrong with them, I didn't have a child to put in them. We had to return them though. We didn't know when the next match would come or if it would be a boy. It was winter, we bought winter clothes. If we were matched in the spring, what good do winter clothes do us? If we were matched with a girl, I am no putting her in super hero onesies! I hated every moment of returning the baby items to the stores, but realistically it wasn't any better to keep them!

It was so hard to get past this. It was the closest we had ever been to bringing a little one home. We had talked about and planned the holidays with our wee one. Holidays that now, again, would be void of what we wanted the most. It was painful. Haven't we had enough heartache in this journey? How can I possibly handle something like this again? Do we continue on this journey or do we take a break and breathe, reassess this thing called adoption?

Our adoption story: How do you say NO?

Quickly after we were officially active with American Adoptions we began receiving emails about birth mothers and if it was ok to show our profile to them.

All of the questions we answered on the Adoptive Parent Questionnaire (APQ) as to what we preferred in a little baby, boy/girl, drug/alcohol use that we were comfortable with, medical and social history preferences, mental health issues within the immediate and distant family members etc, were all entered into a database.  The birth mothers filled out questionnaires about what they were looking for in adoptive parents and this too was entered into a database. Then a search would be run and if there was a match our profile was automatically shown to the birth mother with out saying anything to us. If there was a birth mother that we matched on everything but maybe 1-2 items, such as the budget for the adoption being a little more than we said we could do or mental health issues in the family etc, then we would get an email asking if they could show our profile.

When we would receive the emails asking if our profile could be shown, we were given more detailed information on the birth mother and her situation so that we could make the best informed decision as to have our profile shown or not. Often times I would get the email, forward it to Rich at work and then call him right away (or as soon as I could) to discuss it. I wanted to be able to say yes as soon as possible.

Sadly there were some situations that were just too far outside of our comfort zone. Some mental health issues in immediate family, or even the birth mother, that we didn't know if we could handle should our child have them. There were also some drugs, even prescribed ones. that after reading the potential birth defects for babies whose mothers were taking these medications during pregnancy could have, we just were not comfortable having our profile shown.

It may seem selfish but, with adoption, you have to know where your comfort zone lies. if you are comfortable with a biracial child, if you are comfortable raising a child who's race is completely different than your own, potential medical or health problems they could be born with etc. This seems selfish because if you are able to conceive on your own some of these "possibilities" are out of your control and you have to roll with the punches once the baby is born. In adoption you do have the ability to say  no to some of these possibilities, and we did.

We had several emails from the agency asking if our profile could be shown. There was always that excitement thinking "this could be the one" or "this could be the birth mother who is carrying our baby" and even "by ___ date, we could be holding our little bundle of joy". I always had the butterflies of excitement in my tummy when I would see an email from the adoption agency, I would check my email several times a day just to see if there was anything from our social worker.

The hardest part was saying no. I don't know how many of the emails we said "No" to compared with how many we said "yes" to but it never was easy. It was gut wrenching every time I had to respond and say we weren't comfortable with having our profile shown. I couldn't help but have an overwhelming feeling of "what if we just said no to the child that was meant to be ours?" or "will we ever bring home a baby?". It was not easy saying that we didn't want our profile shown and I always felt guilty doing so. I know our agency has 200+ families they are working with and that somewhere there will be a family that says yes to having their profile shown but it didn't lesson the guilt.

Rich and I would often have the conversation about not wanting to say "yes" to having our profile shown just because we wanted a child so desperately. This was hard for me. I wanted a child so bad that I wasn't thinking about what we, as a couple, were comfortable with and what we weren't comfortable with. I think I was approaching each situation from an emotional place that Rich wasn't. He is the logical, more rational person in our relationship (which is good, don't get me wrong) and I am the emotional basket case. The adoption process was way more emotional and heart breaking than I ever imagined and each and every time we had to say no my heart broke more and my hope and faith that we would be parents died little by little.

How do you say "no"? It never became any easier, in the year + that we were working with American Adoptions, never was it easy to say no. Not only was it not easy to say no, it never really felt like the "right" thing to do. Again, I think was the emotional side of me that couldn't get past the "what if this is THE one" thought. That's just it, it was a thought...a FEAR. A very real fear of not ever being chosen as adoptive parents and never being able to have the family we both desperately wanted. With each "no" the feeling of guilt grew stronger. Guilt that I was never going to be able to provide my husband with a child to love and play with and teach how to wrestle. Guilt that this was all my fault, had he found someone else who could have children that he would be happier and already have a family. Each time we would talk about adoption and how we were getting discouraged, the topic of age would come up. I could see in Rich's face that he felt he was getting old, too old to raise a child, especially if it was going to take much longer.

Though Rich has never once blamed me, and has always been quick to discourage these feelings of guilt, I couldn't help it. I felt like I was the reason we hadn't yet started a family. Though he was well aware that I couldn't have children, since our first date, it wasn't easy for me not to blame myself and wonder if he wished things were different. If he wished he had married someone else who could conceive children. Rich has NEVER made me feel this way, it was always my own fears and self confidence issues that were rearing their ugly heads, not Rich. It is the emotional Scorpio side of me.

We continued to receive emails, weekly (or so it seemed). Some we would say yes and have our profile shown and then sit and wait and wonder if we would be picked. Then we would receive an email from the agency and, with butterflies in my stomach, I would open them and see that another family had been chosen. Some emails we would say no to and our agency was always understanding. It was refreshing to have such a great and communicative agency but it never became easier in saying no to some and, likewise, it never became less exciting to see an email from the adoption agency or to be able to say yes to some of the birth mothers we were presented with.

Sadly, the timing was beginning to not look or feel right, and the feeling of "this isn't going to happen" was overwhelmingly painful.

Our Adoption Story: You have GOT to be kidding me

We signed on with American Adoptions in December 2011. All was going well and we were submitting our Adoptive Parent Questionnaire stuff, editing our profile and waiting for the draft of our video to be sent our way. The holidays had come and gone and we were both back to the grind stone.

I had started a new contract position with the New Mexico Commission for Deaf and Hard of Hearing in January. I was one of the two contract "staff" sign language interpreters. It quickly became routine for some of the staff to take a morning break and all head to "The Bux" (aka Starbucks) as it was only a couple blocks down the road. We all looked forward to and enjoyed this little coffee/chai break from the office that helped kick start our day. Lots of laughter always accompanied these trips.

One February morning we were walking into Starbucks when my phone rang. I recognized the number as one belonging to American Adoptions. Of course I was a little excited and hopeful that this was "the call". Could it be "the call" when it had only been a couple of months? Angie, our adoption coordinator, was on the other line. She asked me if I had a minute to talk (what was I going to say "actually, I am on my way to order my daily addiction so can we talk later!?"?? umm..NO). Angie proceeded to tell me that during the legislative session the NM governor signed and passed a bill. This bill, essentially, tripled our wait time. It was a bill that limited the adoption agencies that worked with New Mexico families. There was no grandfather clause and it was effective immediately and effective for all.

I do not remember a lot of that conversation. I remember my eyes welling up with tears and me trying to maintain my composure, after all I was in public in the middle of a workday morning. It was hard. It hurt. I didn't understand what was happening or what the reasoning for this law was. It made no sense. There are hardly any adoption agencies here in NM and the ONE that I know of doesn't have very many domestic newborn placements but rather older children and international placements. I could not wrap my head around this law and why it was voted in favor of, unanimously, and signed as an emergency bill.

What did this mean for us? Should we just throw in the towel and give up? We JUST wrote a huge check and had invested a lot of time in getting started with a new agency, one that had promise. was this all for not? Are we not supposed to be parents? Is this never going to happen? I didn't get it, I couldn't even begin to understand and process what we were going to do at this point.

When I got back to the office I called Rich. We said we would talk about it when we got home. I started trying to look for this bill and try to find any kind of reasoning or understanding and why it was such an emergency to pass it without anyone knowing anything about it. I couldn't find anything. Later, through a co-worker who knew someone at the Children Youth and Families Department, we received a copy of the bill. It still didn't make sense.

After speaking with Rich about it. We decided that we would keep plugging on. That we had some confidence in American Adoptions and felt good about working with them. After a little more talking about the situation and what it could possibly mean for us, I became angry. Angry at the NM government but even more angry at Heart to Heart Adoptions. American Adoptions called us IMMEDIATELY. They explained everything to us, even if I wasn't capable of hearing and processing all that they told me. The explained the bill as they understood it and how it would impact our family. They called us within just a few days of the bill being signed. American Adoptions even had their lawyers looking into it and possibly suing the state of NM. Heart to Heart, who at the time we were still active with and had not told them to take a hike yet, NEVER communicated with us about this bill. Not an email, phone call, form letter, pigeon carrier, nada, nothing, not a single word. I became angry that they were supposedly working with/for us and helping us start our family and yet they made no attempt in knowing about new laws in the states of their adoptive parents and the impact these laws may have. How is that possible?

It took some time, mainly because I can be rather stubborn, before I finally contacted Heart to Heart. One thing that led to me kicking them to the curb was that, not only had they only asked to show our profile 1 time in 6+ months, but I received an email that was (I believe) an internal email but they clicked on the wrong "Michelle" in their address book.  It was an email they received from a prospective adoptive parent inquiring about an adoption situation. The email from the social worker, again meant for another Heart to Heart staff member, said "Really?  They are the ones that said they didn’t want baby to be too tan! " That statement in and of itself I was offended by and then the fact that they sent it to me, I am sure by accident, and never tried to retract it or say "please disregard/we are sorry we sent that to you.." SOMETHING would have been nice but nope. I don't want an agency like that working for me! When I contacted them about us no longer desiring to work with them, and that we had decided to work with a different agency, I received an email response back that said "Got it. Thanks". That's it. No "I'm sorry to hear this" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" etc. I explained in the email the frustrations we felt about the lack of communication and our profile not being shown etc. and the only response was "got it. thanks". Hmm.  Made me feel like our decision to change agencies really was the best decision and grew my faith in American Adoptions even more.

Despite the new law passed, American Adoptions started contacting us in March asking if they could show our profile to some birth mothers. That made me feel even better about our decision and started to ease my doubts about us ever being able to adopt and bring home a little one.

Our Adoption Story: Out with the old, in with the new

I love my brother. Despite all evidence to the contrary while we were growing up, I really am lucky to have Mitch as my brother and in my life. He has fought for me (literally and figuratively), loved me, encouraged me and stood behind me in everything I do. It is Mitch who helped us make a life altering change in our journey.

One day Mitch called and as we were talking he asked if we had heard of an agency called American Adoptions. He told me about a coworker who had adopted thru them, in fairly short order, and this was the agency they used. I was hesitant to even consider a new agency (even though ours was WORTHLESS). I was afraid, after research we had done early on and what we had seen about other agencies and their fees etc, to start all over again. Mitch talked about his coworkers experience and I thought it was worth at least calling and checking into.

I spoke with Rich about what Mitch had said and we decided to call and see what we thought. I remember sitting in my car, in a parking lot, after a job and making that call.  I was connected with a gentleman, Mike, that works for American Adoptions. He was so nice and answered all of my questions. He didn't seem to be in a rush to get off the phone and on with his day but rather that he was there for us. It was a breath of fresh air. Even in that 20-30 minute phone call I felt more comfortable with them than I had the agency that we had "worked" with for months now. That conversation was more contact than I had had with Heart to Heart. By the end of the phone call, the questions I had for them were answered and an information packet was on its way to us.

It was an overwhelming feeling but with my note pad in hand, Rich and I sat down and talked about possibly switching agencies. It required a substantial amount of money just to become "active" with this agency. The money wasn't the issue, it was that I didn't want to invest this money in an agency that would fail us the way the other two had. I didn't want to invest this and then be stuck and not be able to change paths again if it didn't work out. Once we paid this money we were in it until the end, or until we decided to pull the plug and not adopt after all.

I believe there were a few more calls to American Adoptions and a few more questions answered. Never once did I feel like I was burdening them by calling and asking questions. It was a great feeling and, in the end, an easy decision to make and sign on with them as an Adoptive Family. We began submitting the paperwork that they needed to start our profile. Answered all types of questions about us as a couple, family and individuals. We had to answer a list of favorites for each of us, such as favorite cartoon, car, animal, book, movie etc. We also had to write a letter to any potential birthmothers. This is what we wrote:

Letter to Birth Mother

Thank you for reading this letter and taking the time to explore our profile. Our names are Rich and Michelle and we are a happily married couple currently living in New Mexico. Throughout our entire relationship, we have always known we would adopt children. We are excited and ready to begin our family and be matched with the child that is meant to warm our home and our hearts with love, laughter and memories. Without you, we could not begin this process or travel down this path. Thank you for blessing us like this. Though we have never met you, we talk about you often, and how appreciative we are of you. You are selfless and courageous, and we are so grateful to you for allowing us to fulfill our dream of being parents and helping us to create our family.

Without the opportunity to adopt, the opportunity that can only come from you, we would not be able to have the family we have both always dreamed of. Right now there is a void in our home; there are no giggles or bed time stories, no noisy toys or dirty diapers to change. Experiencing the joy and miracle of parenthood is a dream for us. Rich can see himself playing catch in the front yard and Michelle can not wait to teach this child sign language and sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." Our happy home is ready for a son or daughter, and we are so thankful to you for your brave and loving decision.

Both of our families look forward to welcoming another little one. This child will have 11 cousins to play with and follow after during family holidays and visits. Both grandmas will be all too happy to have another grandchild to love. The grandfathers will love having another one to give piggy back rides and read to. There are aunts and uncles ready to spoil, play with and babysit anytime they can. There is so much love in our families, and everyone is excited to have another child to share that love with.

We will be happy to send you letters and pictures so that you can see this child grow and develop into the person they are meant to be. Should you want to exchange emails or talk via the phone, we would be happy to have this type of communication as well. We will do everything in our power, aligned with your comfort level, to ensure that this child knows who you are and what a tremendous gift you have given us.

We both want to sincerely thank you again for helping us to fulfill our dreams of having a family. We are truly excited to begin this process and look forward to getting to know you better. You will be in our thoughts and prayers everyday.

Thank you for taking the time to look at our profile. Even if you should not feel that we are a good fit for you, we wish you all the wonderful opportunities life can offer and a healthy delivery!

Sincerely,
Rich and Michelle

There was much more we had to fill out and answer, MUCH more. The agency then took all our information and pictures and wove it into a beautiful profile, both online and in print, that would be shown to birth mothers who's preferences matched with ours.

Once they had all the information for the print and online profile and while they were working on putting that together, they sent us video equipment to get some footage of what would later become our video profile. We put off the video portion until we were traveling home to Texas so that we could get some shots of us with the kiddos (I wanted to make sure that it appeared as though we knew what to do with a kid :)).  We did this at Mitch and Natalie's house. We made muffins with the kids, showed Rich and I with baby Caroline, went to the park to run, swing on the monkey bars and play with the kids. Later that night Mitch and Natalie answered some suggested questions about us and how great we would be as parents :).  We also had our friends Missie and Seb, Tom and Jenn and Rich's brother Steve and sister in law Stacy submit their video interviews as well. The agency would only pick one interview to show, Missie and Seb won that one :).  We sent all this off to the agency and they made a FABULOUS video profile of us. The link is below:

http://www.americanadoptions.com/ytvideo.php?vid=HMejR63GY60

During all of this we were having to update our homestudy for the third time. Since the first was done with the intention of an international adoption of a deaf child, when we switched to Heart to Heart we had to update it to reflect a domestic newborn adoption. Homestudies are only good for 12 months so in January of 2012 we were due to update again. Home visit, fingerprints, background checks etc all had to be done over. It wasn't too long after this that we were all up to date with everything and officially became active and listed on American Adoptions website as adoptive parents looking for their little one. And thus, the waiting began again...