Who knew that it would be this hard?!

Here is part 2 to the "Adoption Journey" blogs that I will post:

After the surgery and after teaching for 2 years I decided to move to DC for graduate school at Gallaudet University. When I moved I was dating a guy that was...less than stellar and WAY LESS than I deserved! After breaking things off with him, my wonderful friend Sasha decided it was time for me to start dating and find someone worthy of my time and attention!

Sasha is the one responsible for Rich and I finding each other. She wrote my profile on Yahoo! Personals as well as the first email that was ever sent to Rich (on Feb 2, 2007):

Hey,

Introductions are kind of funny, aren't they? You don't know where to start but basically have to start from somewhere...Just wanted to say that your profile caught my eye.

Well...my name is Michelle, and I moved to Washington DC a few months ago, after teaching High School for two years, to further my education in Sign Language Interpretation. I was raised in Texas, so a Southern girl by heart but slowly being corrupted by the city lifestyle. :) Being here has been a lot of fun, I'm surrounded by a great group of friends and am extremely adventurous, however I haven't forgotten my roots- and that lies with my family, and unfortunately, according to my girls, some good country music and cowboy boots. I get made fun of for that. =) No really, I don't wear cowboy boots (often) but you get the drift right?!

Well, I'm going to go before I become Chatty Cathy..but hope to hear back from you soon, if you are interested.

~Michelle

Rich will tell you, he almost didn't respond because of the country music reference. Thankfully he did though! :) Our first date was on Friday, April 13, 2007. We had talked and emailed weekly from Feb-April and so we decided to meet face to face. He took me to Macaroni Grill for dinner (I can still remember where we sat, what we ordered and what we both were wearing that night). Despite me being late, thanks to DC traffic and a hair appointment gone bad...lets just say eggplant colored hair is not what you want for a first date!!!, we both had a good time. After dinner we went over to a pool hall down the road and spent more time talking and getting to know each other better.

While waiting for a pool table to open up we were deep in conversation about many things, the bulk of which was our families and our nieces and nephews. It was at this time I felt I needed to be honest with Rich. I asked him if he wanted children of his own, and as I suspected he said "yes". I decided now was the time to tell him for many reasons, the main one being that any relationship that had potential had to start out with honesty and we were both too old to be playing games. I didn't want this relationship to get serious and him not know the truth, if it was going to be a deal breaker it needed to be a deal breaker before it went too far! I know it took Rich by surprise but he will tell you that me being honest on that first date is one of the reasons he called me back, that it took courage and strength for me to be that open on the first date. That wasn't the only time that this would be an issue in our relationship.

I knew on our second date, at Match Box brick oven pizza in China Town (upstairs, tall table second from the window), I KNEW Rich was the man I was going to marry. We were talking and as I looked across the table at him I just knew, knew he was THE ONE. This realization didn't come as fast for Rich. Part of his struggle was that he had to know and be sure that he would be OK with not having his own biological children. I guess it was about four months into our relationship and Rich and I were at his house and I could tell something was bothering him. I asked him several times if he was OK and I would get the standard "yes" or "I'm fine". I knew, don't know how but I knew what was on his mind. I asked him point blank if it was bothering him that if we were to work out he would not have his own biological children.

It was through teary eyes that he honestly answered that question. After many tears and hugs and time in silence as well as discussing other options for having a family the night came to an end and I didn't know where we stood. I told him if he needed time away to think and figure it out for himself to let me know, he told me that he didn't need time away from me but did need time to think. Needless to say this hurt, no it stung and I felt my heart ripping to shreds. Here was this man, who I was falling in love with, could see a future with, who for the first time I felt would treat me the way I deserved and who shared goals and dreams of a future that I did, but he didn't know if he could be with me...

There were friends and family that I shared this with, who thought that it was cruel of him to be honest and say that to me. While it might have appeared that way to others, I didn't see it that way, I saw it as Rich being open and honest with me just as I had been with him on our first date. It hurt me just as much that first night as it probably did him the night he told me he was struggling with that fact. It did hurt, and it scared me, but I had to allow him the time to process the information. I had, at that point, 3 years to process and deal with the information. Rich deserved time as well, so I gave it to him. We went on dating but didn't address the issue of family unless he brought it up, I couldn't bear the thought of the possible let down or break up.

Throughout the next five months my mind and heart struggled with not knowing if this would be something that would come between Rich and I. My insecurities were enough without adding this fact into the mix, the fact that I would never be able to give the man I loved biological children of his own. It was a tough year for me, tougher than I think anyone ever realized. Many nights I would spend crying, wondering if this was meant to be and if I would get my "Happily Ever After" or if that was thrown away the same day as my surgery.

It was on my birthday 2007 that Rich told me those 3 little words I had been wanting to say to him, but dang well wasn't going to be the first to say them, for so long. It was at that moment that a part of my heart healed and knew that he had thought about and decided that he would be OK, that WE would be OK despite not having biological children of our own. Though my heart was still guarded and my mind was still thinking and analyzing, way more than it should have been, I was more hopeful than I had ever been that I too would have my happy ending. My happy ending would be with this man, the one I had fallen so hopelessly in love with.

Despite all this, and the joy that came with knowing that Rich loved me and was accepting the fact that I could not give him the biological children he had always dreamed of...I still couldn't get out of my head and still couldn't let the fear go that he might change his mind. He might leave me after all....