Lets start at the very beginning...

I've been trying to figure out a way to blog about the adoption process. I have struggled with knowing where to start. I thought I didn't have anything to say, or not enough to say about it yet. After talking with a friend and after reading my Adoptive Families magazine this weekend I figured I could start at the very beginning and be completely candid about my feelings and the process I have gone through for the last several years, so here goes....

It all started when I was a freshman in college. I began having irregular periods. It only got worse from there. Fast forward through years of birth control and years of frustration, one day my period came and never left...for an entire year. After seeing several doctors and undergoing several procedures and trips to the operating room, there was still no end in sight. I was even referred to a fertility specialist. This specialist tried everything that she would have tried had I been a woman attempting to, and struggling with getting pregnant. Nothing worked. I was so over all of this I went back to my regular doctor and we discussed and decided that after 7 years of frustration it was time to consider my quality of life and we decided to do a hysterectomy. I had no way of knowing how infertility would effect my life, and in what ways.

This decision was a "no-brainer" until 6 days before my surgery. on June 10, 2004 my wonderful, fun loving nephew David was born. My kind-hearted sister-in-law, Natalie, allowed me to be in the delivery room with her, Mitch and my mom while David was born. This was the most beautiful and heart wrenching gift I have ever been given. I fell in love with that little man the instant I saw him. He was so tiny and so precious and it hit me like a ton of bricks that even if I wanted to give birth to my own children I would never be able to. There was no way around it, I would never be able to give birth and come the following week it was a done deal with no more attempts for "fixing" what the unknown problem was with my body.

That night, after a long emotional day in the hospital, my mom and I went to a local Mexican restaurant (Chuy's) and ordered dinner and margaritas. We both sobbed into our margaritas as I questioned my decision to go through with the hysterectomy. Even as I write this now, it is as raw of a feeling as it was that day. Though I know that there was no other decision to be made, no more tests to run or drugs to try, it hurt (and still does) that I would NEVER be able to have that beautiful moment my wonderful and loving brother and sister had just experienced, and allowed me to be a part of. There was no way I could NOT still have the surgery, it came down to a quality of life issue. I was 25 and my body had been put through hell trying to figure out what was causing these problems and still here I was 345 days into my "last menstrual period".

The surgery came and went, no problems there. After a night in the hospital, where I was visited by my brother who brought me a Bath and Bodywork's gift set and proceeded to put chap stick on me because my lips were dry :) , I was sent home. There it was, I wouldn't have to worry about having the problems that had ailed me for so long, not anymore.

December 29, 2005 it all came flooding back. My beautifully sassy niece, Blythe, was born. You would think that after 18 months I would be over the fact that I wouldn't be able to give birth and have my own biological children, you would be wrong. Blythe's birth hit harder than David's in many many ways. She was so precious and tiny and for reasons beyond my understanding she loves me more than I could ever hope for. Her birth sent me into another period of sadness and realization that this would never be me. Blythe is so special to me and I tease Natalie, now, that Blythe is a "mini-me". Bless Natalie's heart because Blythe is so much like I was at her age and we are both sassy and strong willed. Blythe had me, like David and Michael too, wrapped around her little tiny finger from the very first moment I saw her. We have a connection that I can't explain but am so very thankful for. With that wrap of the finger came pain that I hadn't let myself admit to feeling or process since the surgery and it hurt, hurt more than words can express. I am so thankful that, even though I can not give birth to any children, Mitch and Natalie allow me to be a part of David, Blythe and Michael's childhoods and watch them grow up and most of all, LOVE them with every fiber of my being!

So there it is, the first of a few emotional blogs to come on this journey I have been on for the last 13 years. I will post the next "chapter" soon...stay tuned for what's still to come. Much love and blessings to you all! Until the next post...