Our Adoption Story: THE call

Rich and I went about our week and were very much anticipating our upcoming travel to Florida to meet our son. All day on Friday I had butterflies in my stomach. I can't explain it but I KNEW our birth mom was going to deliver early. My fear with this was that we wouldn't be able to make it in time for delivery and she would change her mind and decide to parent. I had many nightmares where this happened and it was my biggest fear. We were so close this time but still, anything could happen.

I worked all day, butterflies and all. After I got home I immediately walked upstairs and into our closet. I was pulling down a shirt I wanted to pack when my phone rang. It was her. Dana, our birth mom, was calling to tell me that she was in labor and was on her way to the hospital. I explained that we would call the airlines and see what the earliest flight we could take was and that I would keep her posted.

After hanging up I called Kathie, our social worker with the adoption agency, and had a moment of freak out. She didn't answer her phone so I left a message. I told her that we received the call and that I was freaking out and afraid we wouldn't be able to get there. I then called Rich to tell him, he was just moments from the house.

When he came in he jumped on the phone with the airlines to see what could be done and if there were any other flight possibilities. I freaked. I mean, I FREAKED when they said they couldn't get us out that night. Well, they could have gotten us out of Albuquerque and into Chicago but Chicago was experiencing a snow storm and the chances of us getting out of Chicago were grim. They could have flown us to California but we would have had to be at the airport in 30 mins, travel all night and still not arrive in Florida until the next afternoon. The flight they could get us on left the next morning at 7a and got us to Florida at 2p, and hour before the flight that routed us through California. So we booked those tickets, told our birth mom and hit the ground running. 

The next couple of hours were a blur. We went to Carter's, Target, Babies-r-Us, the mall and finally sat down to eat at Red Robin around 8:30p.  While we were eating my phone buzzed. the very first picture of our son came in. Tears immediately sprung to our eyes. He was the most beautiful baby we had ever seen, even still being all slimy. It took us a moment to catch our breath. This was really happening, we were finally going to be parents and would be holding our baby in less than 24 hours. It was all so unreal.

Our Adoption Story: IT'S A MATCH

On Wednesday morning I was sitting at work and going about my day when my phone rang. It was Kathie telling us it was a match, we were officially selected by Dana, our birth mom, she had made it official that morning and we were clear to start making travel arrangements.

So much emotion, excitement and nervousness. I couldn't get the fear of  'what if she changes her mind' out of my head. I think this is a natural fear of all adoptive parents but after a failed adoption just a couple months ago, my fear was very much burning a hole in my stomach.

I was so excited to call Rich and tell him. This was it, we would soon be holding our little guy and our lives would be forever changed. I could not believe this was finally happening. After all this time and after all we had been through we were finally going to be a family, our dream was finally becoming a reality.

Later that night Rich and I began to book everything for our trip to Jacksonville. We booked our airline tickets, thankfully we had enough airline miles that we only had to pay $20 for the round trip airfare. We booked our hotel, an extended stay place so that we would have a stove top to be able to cook some of our meals and save on eating out. We then booked our rental car. Things were booked, confirmation numbers saved and anxieties at an all time high.

After work, Rich and I made a list of all the things we needed to get and do before we left on Monday. We needed blankets, clothes, something for the baby to sleep in, bottles etc. WE HAD NOTHING. We had the whole weekend to get this all done but the list was made and ready to be tackled on Saturday.  Rich and I were just a few days away from being a family!

Our Adoption Story: Phone call day = Crazy day take 2

As predicted, I didn't sleep much that Monday night. Tuesday morning I was excited but nervous all at the same time. We were set to have our call with Kathie at lunch time, she would explain what the phone call would look like with the birthmother. What things to talk about with her and what topics to stay away from.

I went to work as per usual and tried to not let on that anything big was going down later that day. When I walked into the building, everything was hunky dory and normal, until the elevator door opened on my floor. My first thought was "that wasn't me!". This disgusting, stomach turning smell hit me smack in the face. I walked through the front door and our agency administrative assistant looked at me, and my scrunched up face, and said "I know, it wasn't me". So GROSS. Turns out that, despite pleads from our building asking for notice, that Chipotle next door had cleaned out their grease traps and it had polluted our building air intake. It was so bad our boss sent us to work from anywhere that had wifi. Corina and I packed up our laptops and headed for Satellite coffee to take advantage of their wifi and enjoy a tasty beverage at the same time. It was supposed to be a low key day for me, time to get caught up on board report numbers and interpreter requests.

As we were sitting in Satellite my boss emails me, she had stayed in Santa Fe over night because there were more legislative events happening on Tuesday but there were supposed to be interpreters provided for it so I wasn't needed down there. The email says that she needs me in Santa Fe by 1:00, it was 11. I was not dressed for legislation events. I had to RUSH home, 25 minutes away, and change clothes and hit the road. I was angry because I was afraid I would miss my call with Kathie or that I would lose cell service being on the road on my way to Santa Fe.

I made it home, changed clothes and hit the road. I had spoken with my boss and let her know I was on my way but that I MUST be back in Albuquerque by 4:30, no exceptions.  She didn't see this as being a problem at all so off I went.

As I hit the highway my phone rang, it was Kathie. Once I was on the phone she got Rich on the phone and began explaining everything to us. With each passing "do" and "don't" the butterflies in my stomach fluttered more and multiplied in number. I was so nervous when Kathie told us she would not be on the phone call with us. UMM WHAT? Rich and I have to go this alone? Holy Cannoli. I needed a safety net, cuz I was bound to screw this up on my own.

We made it through the call, without losing cell service, and were all set for the phone call. Kathie was emailing me the phone number to call that evening. How was I going to make it through the day?

I arrived in Santa Fe, there was a lot of hurry up and wait. I was growing more and more frustrated as all I wanted to do was be in Albuquerque to ensure that Rich and I were home in time to make this call, a call that had great potential to change our lives. As the afternoon ticked by, I was getting more and more anxious and increasingly frustrated as we were waiting and waiting and waiting for the Senator that requested the meeting to arrive. She eventually did and then we went into the session. Despite their being 7 interpreters, my boss wanted me to stay and interpret the legislative session, so I did. All went well and was over and I was in my car and back on the road to Albuquerque buy 3:30. I FLEW home.

Shortly after I arrived home, so did Rich. We were nervously "ready" for our call.  As time ticked by, I thought I was going to pass out with nerves. I didn't know how we were going to get through this call. I don't recall ever being THAT nervous in my life. This was it, the moment we had been waiting almost 3 years for.

A few minutes after 5:00, I dialed the number Kathie had given us. The phone rang and rang, no one answered. This made me even more nervous, had she changed her mind? Rich said to wait a few minutes and try again. I didn't have to try again because my phone rang and it was her.

The phone call didn't last long, about 20 minutes (which Kathie had said was average and to be expected). There were a few awkward silence moments but it wasn't too bad. I think we were all nervous. Questions were asked about if we wanted to be there for the birth, since it was a scheduled c-section. Of course we wanted to be there, if she wanted us to be there. The birthmothers mom got on the phone, she had some questions for us too. She wanted to make sure that we were going to love this little baby, a baby boy, and protect him. We tried to reassure her as best we could and tried to be open and honest as much as we could.  I explained that we would not only love and protect this little boy but that he would know how amazing and selfless his birth mom was, how she loved him so much that she wanted a better life for him than she could provide and so she picked us to raise him.

When we hung up the phone we had made arrangements. We were going to fly into Jacksonville on Monday afternoon and meet her and her mom for dinner. We would then be with her on Tuesday morning as she went in for her C-section. All was looking good. Almost too good. After the phone call ended, Rich and I just held each other and cried. This was it, this felt so different than the situation in November. We were going to have our baby, and we were going to meet him in less than a week. We were in shock, we were thrilled, we were scared.

We called Kathie to let her know how the phone call went. She asked "Well, how'd it go?" I said "we made plans to meet for dinner on Monday." We all laughed as Kathie said "I'd say it went pretty well then!"  It was all so surreal, so exciting and so nerve racking because we were not yet in an "official" match. This birthmother still had to make it official and say that she picked us as the adoptive family.

Another sleepless night was ahead for sure!

Our Adoption Story: Crazy busy day

So, I know its been a while. This move was crazy, that's a blog for another day, but we are finally (mostly) settled and now I can get back to this. So here it goes:

Monday February 4, 2013 I was walking out of my office, with my boss, to head down to Santa Fe for the legislative session. It was going to be a long day and we would be working well into the evening hours.

As we were walking out of the office building my phone rang. I recognized the number as being our adoption agency so I answered it. When I answered they asked if it was a good time to talk, what was I going to say? I explained that I was getting in the car and about to hit the road so if we were disconnected they knew I hadn't just hung up on them. They proceeded to tell me that the birthmother, the one they had asked us about last week, wanted to talk with us. My heart jumped into my throat. I didn't know what to say, this had never happened before. They asked if that evening was a good time but with me working in Santa Fe all day, and our scheduled slot with the legislators not being until that evening, it was going to be a late phone call. I explained this to them, and with the birthmother living in Florida, and the 2 hour time difference, I didn't expect it to happen.

They said they would ask her if that evening, and the time I would finally be free and able to talk with her, would work and let me know. I was on pins and needles all day. It was so hard not to get excited because we still didn't really know if she would be able to talk to us or when. With the pressure of my assignment that day, I was going stir crazy. I was glad I had work to focus on, it didn't stop me from checking my phone every 5 minutes but still.

Sometime that afternoon I received a call from Kathie, she had to leave a message because I could not answer my phone. She said that the birthmother would not be able to speak with us that night because it would be too late. I completely understood, it would have been 10:00pm her time. What woman, being 9 months pregnant, would be awake and able to have a conversation at that hour?! So Kathie had set it up for the next day at 5:00p.  I was so nervous but so very excited to talk to Rich and tell him.

Adoption was so close, we could taste it. But would this be a repeat of November? Would she speak to us and not like us? Would she decide that she wanted to parent? Would we be heart broken all over again?

I didn't get home from Santa Fe until late that evening, 9:00 I think. The whole way home I was nervous, butterflies in my stomach and prayers in my heart. This was going to be a long evening, probably filled with sleepless fears.

Our Adoption Story: More Birthday Wishes?

Rich and I both went to work the morning of his birthday, Jan 30. We had plans with some of our good friends for dinner that night to celebrate his birthday. It was going to be a good day.

While at work I got a call from our agency. Kathie was calling because they had a birthmother that was due very soon and looking for a family and was having trouble finding one she liked. From what they were seeing, and what she was saying she wanted, they thought we would be a good match for her.

I was very excited, hopeful and still very guarded and trying to keep my feelings in check. I didn't want to get too excited before knowing more and before talking with Rich. I was also at work and Rich and I had decided not to tell anyone anything until we had the baby in our arms. I was trying not to let on what was going on and who I was on the phone with etc. This is hard to do when you share an office, but I think I was able to pull it off to a certain extent.

I spoke to Kathie for a while and then called Rich. It was hard because this situation seemed to be perfect, but the expenses for this adoption were more than we could comfortably afford. This is the same situation that we were presented with a couple of weeks ago and had to walk away from, for this very reason. Rich and I spoke and he gave me a top number for us. I emailed Kathie with a couple of questions about the birth mother and also about the finances.

Kathie explained that there had already been some professional courtesy fees waived but that she would tell the law office, that was who the birth mother was working with and they contacted our agency, what we could do and see what they said. She said that she would present it as a "take it or leave it" number and just see what they said. She was very supportive about us not wanting to go above what we could afford and about being comfortable with the amount of money we spent to adopt. Never once was there any pressure or suggestion to go above what we said we could do.

So Kathie presented our number and we just had to sit back and wait...Have I mentioned I am not a patient person and I hate waiting!? Cuz I'm not, and I hate the hurry up and wait routine...

Later that night, we went to celebrate Rich's birthday. We had a great time and no one knew anything. I think I was even able to push the thoughts of all that had transpired during that day aside and focus on having a good time and celebrating my husband. Happy Birthday Rich, I love you!!!

Our Adoption Story: lots of emails

Man, where has the time gone? Its been a few days since I posted and I feel like I am far behind here. I guess that's what happens when you are in the middle of moving across the country!

Anyway...

So as the new year approached, we began getting a lot of emails from our agency. It was SO very nice to see them working for us, working to make our dream of being a family come true.

We would get emails, sometimes multiple emails, weekly it seemed. We were getting emails asking if our profile could be shown to some birth mothers. We would review the medical and social history information the agency had on the mothers and make a decision from there. 

There was always a lot of research that went into being able to provide an answer as to if we wanted to be shown or not. Some of these birth mothers were taking medications, doctor prescribed, that I wanted to know the possible birth defects/complications involved with them. So Google and I became best buds. But OH the curse of Google. Some things are better left unsearched, not really...we needed to know. But these searches would often times leave me more confused than anything. So many conflicting results or confusing case study reports. I wanted a clear cut "this is what it does..." answer. Thanks Google, thanks for nothing but a severe headache!

I was also researching statistics on "if a mother has___, then the baby is ___ likely to have it as well". Things such as bipolar, schizophrenia, and other (to me) scary mental health disorders. Again, this was not a helpful search at all. But who do I ask these things to? I don't carry a pediatrician and/or psychologist in my back pocket so I didn't have anyone in the know to ask.  So to Google I would turn. Again, painstaking headaches were a result from these searches. I still felt like, even though it was mostly confusing, I was able to gather enough information to make a semi informed decision.

Rich and I would talk, in length, about each situation. Some of them that we were presented with I wanted to respond YES without even consulting Rich, but that isn't fair nor is that a healthy way to approach making a family with your spouse! Some of the birth mothers profiles we were presented with were a clear cut, this isn't the child for us, profile. We knew, based on the information given, that we were not prepared to handle the possible outcome and health issues the baby may have been born with. Others weren't so easy. It took a lot of soul searching, prayer and discussion to come up with what the right answer for us to give the agency was.

There were quite a few we said no to, but there were almost just as many we said that we would like our profile shown for as well. Once we said to show our profile, it was a waiting game. Some we would hear back that they had chosen another family and others we wouldn't hear anything from. Our agency explained that there are birth mothers who receive the profiles and take months to decide or pick a family and others who receive profiles and never contact the agency again. None the less, the waiting SUCKS!

We were presented with a birth mothers information on January 15. Everything about this situation looked like it was a good one, until we read how much this particular adoption would cost. It was WELL over our budget and well over anything we could afford. We had set our budget with our agency but Rich and I had some wiggle room and could do a little more than we had originally said, but not this much more. Sadly we had to tell the agency no. Everything else about this was a perfect match in what we were looking for in a birth mother. It was so hard to say no for the money alone, but what price do you put on a child? How much is too much? At what point do you say "we want this child but we cannot go into debt for them"? This was that time. Rich and I want a baby but we can not put ourselves in debt for them and not be able to provide the life for our children that we want to provide, because we spent everything we had to bring them home. It was sad and hard to do but in the end we had to walk away.

And still more emails came to my inbox, more discussions between Rich and I and more "yes" and "no" responses sent to the agency. But for the first time in a long time, I was feeling hopeful. I still felt we wouldn't bring home a little one until we moved, but I was hopeful and excited about this process again.

Our adoption story: Full steam ahead

After we had our "failed" adoption, Angie (our social worker) called. She, and Laura, called several times to check on us and see how we were doing. She also gave us the option to hold our profile from being shown for a little while, to process what had happened, or to continue being shown. Fortunately because everything, with the match and then it not working out, happened so fast they didn't have time to put a hold on our profile and it was still being sent out. Rich  and I had talked about it and we decided to keep on keepin' on. We didn't want to put any more time between us and our child.

When I spoke with Angie I asked her if there was anything we needed to change in our profile or APQ. I asked her this every time I spoke with her. She said no, that they were getting positive feedback about us from birth mothers but that we weren't being shown as often as we could be because of the new law NM passed. It was so discouraging, Rich and I seriously started believing that we would not be matched with a birth mom until we moved out of New Mexico. That move was still at least 8 months away.

The holidays came and went. We had a great time with friends and family during the holidays but the fact that this was now the second holiday season we thought we would share with a child of our own, and the fact that we weren't, weighed heavily on my heart. It was tough to think that though we had already waited so long, we would continue to wait for an unforeseen amount of time. Simply put, it sucked!

January was time to update our home study. Again. This would be the 4th time we had done our home study, I was getting tired of doing it and asking friends and family to once again send in reference letters for us. Rich and I had tossed around the idea of not updating it and just going inactive until we were transferred. We both agreed that with June being the earliest we could move, 6 months was a long time to be inactive. So we decided to move forward with the update and contacted our home study agency.

By January 30th our home study and all our background clearances were  complete and being forwarded to our agency so their files could be updated. With that done, we could celebrate Rich's birthday and sit back and wait for "the call" to come in, though we both doubted we would get said call until we moved. Summer time was beginning to look like it was forever away and I was feeling that we couldn't move fast enough.