This post is straight from my heart and very real. This is not meant to make anyone mad or feel anything more than a better understanding of what I am feeling right now!!!
As I began to tell friends and family about the loss of Katia, a common thread began to appear. Many people said the same thing to me, while meant to be comforting it wasn't. Most of the loved ones and friends I decided to share this information with, via Facebook, text and phone calls, said virtually the same thing "It just wasn't meant to be" or some variation of this statement. Despite all efforts, this was not comforting and this did not dull the pain any.
While most of you know me and know that I am a "glass half full" kind of person and that I am a firm believer in "If its meant to be it will be", I am not in the right frame of mind for those comments. These statements did not make me feel any better. This is not something I am capable of telling myself and believing right now.
This loss is essentially my miscarriage. For the last 7 months of my life this little girl has been mine, she has been at the center of my thoughts and conversations and excitement since October, and now she is gone. Women who are pregnant and have a miscarriage these types of statements, "It wasn't meant to be", are not said to them. This is not something that you would say because it doesn't make sense and it doesn't offer any comfort. So why say it to an adoptive parent who loses their child? Its the same thing, and it does not provide the comfort you were hoping for! In fact, it hurts more. These statements (again, I realize they are meant to show support and comfort) make it all the more clear that FEW people realize what this feels like and what I am going through and feeling at this moment. It makes me feel even more alone in this situation because there is no feeling of understanding or empathy that I so dearly need right now.
While the logical and rational side of me is happy for Katia and happy that she will have a family to call her own, this doesn't make my pain any less real or the loss any less tangible. I know that this process is completely out of my hands and that there is a child out there that needs us just as much as we need them, that doesn't make this loss any less painful. I know that we will be parents when it is our time and I know that God has a plan for us, but right now I need time to grieve. I need time to grieve the loss of my daughter, the one who I have dreamt about and loved for the past 7 months. I had no idea that my heart could love, and be broken, so much by a little girl that I have never met. My heart and I need time to heal from this.
I do not know when Rich and I will pick back up and begin the adoption process again and if we will do domestic or international adoption. Right now, Rich and I need to be together and process this hurt and loss as a couple and decide what our next step will be. It has been a long, emotional week and with Rich and I STILL not being in the same state we have not had the time to sort through our feelings as husband and wife. I am hoping that he makes it home tomorrow (all flights were cancelled today) and that we can just be together and grieve as a family before we pick up and decide what to do next.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Heartbroken
After MONTHS of frustrating paperwork and deadlines we are told some heartbreaking and earth shattering news. Our little girl is not ours...
Last week I had the pleasure of flying to DC to be with my friend Missie and her husband Sebastian, to work and to attend what turned out to be one of the best conferences I have been to in a while. I was very much looking forward to this trip and was in a great mood starting out.
This all changed when I landed in Denver for my layover. I was settling down in my gate waiting to get on my next plane and land in DC. I received a call from my adoption counselor. I thought this was regarding our meeting, scheduled for the next day, to discus the international paperwork and deadlines fast approaching. I also thought this could be pertaining to the availability date of Katia as we had been told we would receive that some time this month. This was not the case.
I was quickly connected to the executive director of the agency. When this transfer happened I began to think that this was not a good phone call, maybe I was going to hear that Ukraine was closing their borders and our process would take even longer. I never expected what was coming. Diana has been so great during this whole process, making sure all her Ukrainian families were up to date on all the latest happenings pertaining to adoption law changes. This time, this is not what she was going to be talking to me about. This time it was worse than I ever imagined. This phone call would change my world as I knew it and put a HUGE damper in my trip. This phone call was to tell me that Katia is no longer ours for adopting, she was being adopted by the doctor who works with the children in the orphanage. The doctor could "fix her hearing" and was going to expedited the adoption of her, thus we had no reason to continue the process for our little girl.
It took everything in me not to crumble in the airport. Here I was all alone with hundreds of people passing by. I couldn't help it, I started bawling. My dream of being a mother, specifically a mother to this specific little girl had just been ripped from me and there was nothing I could do about it. The conversation wasn't a long one, I knew I would not be able to take much more and I was losing control as it was. I quickly hung up, I was hurting and I had many unanswered questions. The first thing I did was call Rich, I needed my husband and we were hundreds of miles away from one another and would be for the next week and a half. I needed him to lean on and instead all I had was a cold airport chair in a crowded airport, not very comforting!
My heart is broken and I don't know if/when it will heal. This isn't easy news to digest, still 9 days later I'm not sure I have let myself fully accept what has happened.
Last week I had the pleasure of flying to DC to be with my friend Missie and her husband Sebastian, to work and to attend what turned out to be one of the best conferences I have been to in a while. I was very much looking forward to this trip and was in a great mood starting out.
This all changed when I landed in Denver for my layover. I was settling down in my gate waiting to get on my next plane and land in DC. I received a call from my adoption counselor. I thought this was regarding our meeting, scheduled for the next day, to discus the international paperwork and deadlines fast approaching. I also thought this could be pertaining to the availability date of Katia as we had been told we would receive that some time this month. This was not the case.
I was quickly connected to the executive director of the agency. When this transfer happened I began to think that this was not a good phone call, maybe I was going to hear that Ukraine was closing their borders and our process would take even longer. I never expected what was coming. Diana has been so great during this whole process, making sure all her Ukrainian families were up to date on all the latest happenings pertaining to adoption law changes. This time, this is not what she was going to be talking to me about. This time it was worse than I ever imagined. This phone call would change my world as I knew it and put a HUGE damper in my trip. This phone call was to tell me that Katia is no longer ours for adopting, she was being adopted by the doctor who works with the children in the orphanage. The doctor could "fix her hearing" and was going to expedited the adoption of her, thus we had no reason to continue the process for our little girl.
It took everything in me not to crumble in the airport. Here I was all alone with hundreds of people passing by. I couldn't help it, I started bawling. My dream of being a mother, specifically a mother to this specific little girl had just been ripped from me and there was nothing I could do about it. The conversation wasn't a long one, I knew I would not be able to take much more and I was losing control as it was. I quickly hung up, I was hurting and I had many unanswered questions. The first thing I did was call Rich, I needed my husband and we were hundreds of miles away from one another and would be for the next week and a half. I needed him to lean on and instead all I had was a cold airport chair in a crowded airport, not very comforting!
My heart is broken and I don't know if/when it will heal. This isn't easy news to digest, still 9 days later I'm not sure I have let myself fully accept what has happened.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Then comes a baby...
Just not in a baby carriage.
Long before we got married Rich and I knew that adoption would be in our future. Rich and I moved to Albuquerque in August of 2010. Since I knew I would not be working right away, my "job" was to research adoption so that we could start the process of building our family. I had no idea of the emotional roller coaster that was ahead of me!
Rich and I had discussed our plans for family and where we would start. We had decided that we would start with a newborn/infant and then build from there. We knew that we wanted up to 3 children, one as young as possible and two 'older' children who deserved a loving home to call their own. I also, for as long as I can remember, knew I wanted to adopt at least one "special needs" child, specifically a deaf child. We wanted to start young so that our older children would not EVER feel as if they were not good enough for not being a baby when they came into our family. So out I searched for adoption agencies and all the details needed to make a decision of which agency to use to adopt our bouncing little bundle of joy.
Sitting in Albuquerque, no friends and no family in sight, and doing adoption research; I soon became very depressed. I was SHOCKED and HORRIFIED in what I was finding in regards to adoption expenses. Agencies were charging, as Rich says, by emotional value. Some wanted up to $60,000.00 for a newborn baby, some were charging based on income of the family and some were not posting their prices, which leads you to believe it was more than you can afford. I cried, many times, thinking that our dream of being parents was so far from our reach due to the prices agencies were charging. I thought there was no way we could afford a newborn. To stop shedding tears I would start looking at agencies/organizations that had 'older' children to see what that would be like. I found several listings (adoptuskids.org, rainbowkids.com and others) that had thousands of pictures of children and sibling groups waiting and hoping for a family to call their own. I was enraged, how on earth can these agencies charge so much when there are children at stake!? And people wonder why our foster system is busting at the seams!? It is ridiculous to say the least.
Rainbowkids.com is one site I signed up to receive their monthly newsletters from. This is a photo listing of children all over the world who have some kind, or multiple, special need. This one appealed to me because it was the only site that would filter out based on need, country, gender etc, but more importantly a site that listed Deaf/hard of hearing children. I would get their emails once a month and I would always look to see if there were any new children listed under the D/hh section, just to see and to keep that in the back of our minds when we were ready to go down that road.
Life is funny...the best laid plans always have room for changes! October 19, 2010 I opened my email and saw a picture that would change our lives. A precious blond hair little girl with the cutest lop-sided pig tails in Ukraine had just been added to their photo listing on October 18, 2010. I stared at her picture for the longest time, kept coming back to the picture and could not get her out of my mind. The name listed was 'Katerina' such a beautiful name for such a precious little soul. Don't get me wrong, there were other precious children on the photo listing but I could not stop thinking about this one in particular, it was as if she reached out of the computer screen and took hold of my heart.
Rich came home from work that day and I immediately sent him upstairs to look at the computer. He came down for dinner and I asked "Can we have her?". I think he thought I was kidding at first, after all his response was "Seriously?". We discussed it over dinner and he told me to call the next day and find out more information on her.
That next day was the day we began the process of adopting our first child. After our application was approved we were able to learn her real name, Katya (or Katia, maybe Katja...we are not sure of the spelling yet). She turned 5 years old on Thanksgiving 2010 and shares a birthday with my Aunt Kathy and Uncle Milton. We are still in the process of the MOUNDS of paper work (to be blogged about later) but are so very excited for the day we can, hopefully, call her our daughter.
If all goes according to plan and we are approved to adopt an orphan, we will be traveling in November or December and we are very much looking forward to that day when we can meet our little girl!
Then comes Marriage...
I can not believe that it has been a year. Rich and I are so blessed to have found one another and I could not ask for a better husband!
April 17, 2010 Rich and I wed before a group of our friends and family. It truly was my fairytale wedding. I could not have asked for anything better. My brother walked me down the aisle where my mom and dad met us to give me away as a family. Both Rich and I shed tears of joy as we said our vows and during the ceremony. It was my dream day, something I had long thought would always be a fantasy.
Rich is my soul mate. He allows me to be myself, from wild and crazy to emotional basket case, and loves me despite it all. We have laughed and cried, traveled and stayed home, agreed and disagreed but there is no one I would rather have done all this with or anyone I would rather spend the rest of my life with.
I am proud to be Mrs. Richard Rupanovic!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
First came love...
and so it continues:
For the next year, and beyond, I continued to have my doubts (all because of my own insecurities and doubts that I could have anything to offer) about weather Rich and I would work out. Many sleepless nights, tears and wondering could not get me out of my head. I couldn't stop wondering and second guessing the feelings Rich had for me and if I was worthy of them.
Spring of 2008, as graduation was nearing, Rich asked me to move in with him after grad school was complete. This too had been a stress for me. What was I going to do after graduation? I wanted to stay in DC with my friends, my work and the man I hoped to spend the rest of my life with. I didn't know how this was going to work since I was only making $9/hour in my internship (really?? you ask...yes, really. A MA degree only gets you $9/hour with the government, who would have thought they would pay THAT much! pffft). This was so stressful and here was my night in shining armor asking me to move in with him. So, the weekend after graduation I moved in.
This was an easy but tough situation all the same. How do you share a space, like a VERY small bathroom, and live with someone that you have never lived with before? This could either make or break us. Regardless I jumped in feet first and took the chance, with fingers and toes crossed, that it would all work out how it was meant to be.
We quickly fell into a routine, it felt natural to be with Rich and to share a home with him. Despite having our house torn apart for 3-4 months that fall, as well as re-doing our deck ourselves, we survived. I did have to get the heck out of town for a week, poor Rich had to deal with the sub-contractors and the remodel all alone, but we survived and without any major arguments or issues. At this point I began to think 'if we can survive living in chaos, without a kitchen and only one functioning toilet at a time (for 3-4 months), we can survive anything...maybe!' There was hope for an "US" and I was beginning to believe in that hope.
Don't get me wrong, I still had my emotional times, my struggles within myself that I could make Rich happy. I still had that internal struggle, trying to convince myself and wondering (and every once in a while asking Rich), how I could possibly make this man happy when he was giving up such a big dream. How could anyone love me enough to give up that dream and not resent me for it later!? To be completely honest, even NOW I still wonder this every great once in a while. I wonder what I ever did to deserve such a wonderful, loving and caring man who loves me the way I always wanted, and deserved, to be loved!?
Fast forward to April 16, 2009...one of the best days of my life thus far. It was 2 years and 3 days since our first date and I was sitting, at sunset, on a private dock at a lake house Rich had rented for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary. As I was trying to take pictures of the hawk, and her nest, that was just a few feet from where we were sitting. Rich was trying to figure out how/when the best moment to pop THE BIG QUESTION was. Me = CLUELESS. Rich = Nervous. It was a great day and it started a whirl wind of a year of planning for the day in which we would become Mr. and Mrs. Rupanovic. My happily ever after WOULD come after all...
For the next year, and beyond, I continued to have my doubts (all because of my own insecurities and doubts that I could have anything to offer) about weather Rich and I would work out. Many sleepless nights, tears and wondering could not get me out of my head. I couldn't stop wondering and second guessing the feelings Rich had for me and if I was worthy of them.
Spring of 2008, as graduation was nearing, Rich asked me to move in with him after grad school was complete. This too had been a stress for me. What was I going to do after graduation? I wanted to stay in DC with my friends, my work and the man I hoped to spend the rest of my life with. I didn't know how this was going to work since I was only making $9/hour in my internship (really?? you ask...yes, really. A MA degree only gets you $9/hour with the government, who would have thought they would pay THAT much! pffft). This was so stressful and here was my night in shining armor asking me to move in with him. So, the weekend after graduation I moved in.
This was an easy but tough situation all the same. How do you share a space, like a VERY small bathroom, and live with someone that you have never lived with before? This could either make or break us. Regardless I jumped in feet first and took the chance, with fingers and toes crossed, that it would all work out how it was meant to be.
We quickly fell into a routine, it felt natural to be with Rich and to share a home with him. Despite having our house torn apart for 3-4 months that fall, as well as re-doing our deck ourselves, we survived. I did have to get the heck out of town for a week, poor Rich had to deal with the sub-contractors and the remodel all alone, but we survived and without any major arguments or issues. At this point I began to think 'if we can survive living in chaos, without a kitchen and only one functioning toilet at a time (for 3-4 months), we can survive anything...maybe!' There was hope for an "US" and I was beginning to believe in that hope.
Don't get me wrong, I still had my emotional times, my struggles within myself that I could make Rich happy. I still had that internal struggle, trying to convince myself and wondering (and every once in a while asking Rich), how I could possibly make this man happy when he was giving up such a big dream. How could anyone love me enough to give up that dream and not resent me for it later!? To be completely honest, even NOW I still wonder this every great once in a while. I wonder what I ever did to deserve such a wonderful, loving and caring man who loves me the way I always wanted, and deserved, to be loved!?
Fast forward to April 16, 2009...one of the best days of my life thus far. It was 2 years and 3 days since our first date and I was sitting, at sunset, on a private dock at a lake house Rich had rented for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary. As I was trying to take pictures of the hawk, and her nest, that was just a few feet from where we were sitting. Rich was trying to figure out how/when the best moment to pop THE BIG QUESTION was. Me = CLUELESS. Rich = Nervous. It was a great day and it started a whirl wind of a year of planning for the day in which we would become Mr. and Mrs. Rupanovic. My happily ever after WOULD come after all...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Who knew that it would be this hard?!
Here is part 2 to the "Adoption Journey" blogs that I will post:
After the surgery and after teaching for 2 years I decided to move to DC for graduate school at Gallaudet University. When I moved I was dating a guy that was...less than stellar and WAY LESS than I deserved! After breaking things off with him, my wonderful friend Sasha decided it was time for me to start dating and find someone worthy of my time and attention!
Sasha is the one responsible for Rich and I finding each other. She wrote my profile on Yahoo! Personals as well as the first email that was ever sent to Rich (on Feb 2, 2007):
Hey,
Introductions are kind of funny, aren't they? You don't know where to start but basically have to start from somewhere...Just wanted to say that your profile caught my eye.
Well...my name is Michelle, and I moved to Washington DC a few months ago, after teaching High School for two years, to further my education in Sign Language Interpretation. I was raised in Texas, so a Southern girl by heart but slowly being corrupted by the city lifestyle. :) Being here has been a lot of fun, I'm surrounded by a great group of friends and am extremely adventurous, however I haven't forgotten my roots- and that lies with my family, and unfortunately, according to my girls, some good country music and cowboy boots. I get made fun of for that. =) No really, I don't wear cowboy boots (often) but you get the drift right?!
Well, I'm going to go before I become Chatty Cathy..but hope to hear back from you soon, if you are interested.
~Michelle
Rich will tell you, he almost didn't respond because of the country music reference. Thankfully he did though! :) Our first date was on Friday, April 13, 2007. We had talked and emailed weekly from Feb-April and so we decided to meet face to face. He took me to Macaroni Grill for dinner (I can still remember where we sat, what we ordered and what we both were wearing that night). Despite me being late, thanks to DC traffic and a hair appointment gone bad...lets just say eggplant colored hair is not what you want for a first date!!!, we both had a good time. After dinner we went over to a pool hall down the road and spent more time talking and getting to know each other better.
While waiting for a pool table to open up we were deep in conversation about many things, the bulk of which was our families and our nieces and nephews. It was at this time I felt I needed to be honest with Rich. I asked him if he wanted children of his own, and as I suspected he said "yes". I decided now was the time to tell him for many reasons, the main one being that any relationship that had potential had to start out with honesty and we were both too old to be playing games. I didn't want this relationship to get serious and him not know the truth, if it was going to be a deal breaker it needed to be a deal breaker before it went too far! I know it took Rich by surprise but he will tell you that me being honest on that first date is one of the reasons he called me back, that it took courage and strength for me to be that open on the first date. That wasn't the only time that this would be an issue in our relationship.
I knew on our second date, at Match Box brick oven pizza in China Town (upstairs, tall table second from the window), I KNEW Rich was the man I was going to marry. We were talking and as I looked across the table at him I just knew, knew he was THE ONE. This realization didn't come as fast for Rich. Part of his struggle was that he had to know and be sure that he would be OK with not having his own biological children. I guess it was about four months into our relationship and Rich and I were at his house and I could tell something was bothering him. I asked him several times if he was OK and I would get the standard "yes" or "I'm fine". I knew, don't know how but I knew what was on his mind. I asked him point blank if it was bothering him that if we were to work out he would not have his own biological children.
It was through teary eyes that he honestly answered that question. After many tears and hugs and time in silence as well as discussing other options for having a family the night came to an end and I didn't know where we stood. I told him if he needed time away to think and figure it out for himself to let me know, he told me that he didn't need time away from me but did need time to think. Needless to say this hurt, no it stung and I felt my heart ripping to shreds. Here was this man, who I was falling in love with, could see a future with, who for the first time I felt would treat me the way I deserved and who shared goals and dreams of a future that I did, but he didn't know if he could be with me...
There were friends and family that I shared this with, who thought that it was cruel of him to be honest and say that to me. While it might have appeared that way to others, I didn't see it that way, I saw it as Rich being open and honest with me just as I had been with him on our first date. It hurt me just as much that first night as it probably did him the night he told me he was struggling with that fact. It did hurt, and it scared me, but I had to allow him the time to process the information. I had, at that point, 3 years to process and deal with the information. Rich deserved time as well, so I gave it to him. We went on dating but didn't address the issue of family unless he brought it up, I couldn't bear the thought of the possible let down or break up.
Throughout the next five months my mind and heart struggled with not knowing if this would be something that would come between Rich and I. My insecurities were enough without adding this fact into the mix, the fact that I would never be able to give the man I loved biological children of his own. It was a tough year for me, tougher than I think anyone ever realized. Many nights I would spend crying, wondering if this was meant to be and if I would get my "Happily Ever After" or if that was thrown away the same day as my surgery.
It was on my birthday 2007 that Rich told me those 3 little words I had been wanting to say to him, but dang well wasn't going to be the first to say them, for so long. It was at that moment that a part of my heart healed and knew that he had thought about and decided that he would be OK, that WE would be OK despite not having biological children of our own. Though my heart was still guarded and my mind was still thinking and analyzing, way more than it should have been, I was more hopeful than I had ever been that I too would have my happy ending. My happy ending would be with this man, the one I had fallen so hopelessly in love with.
Despite all this, and the joy that came with knowing that Rich loved me and was accepting the fact that I could not give him the biological children he had always dreamed of...I still couldn't get out of my head and still couldn't let the fear go that he might change his mind. He might leave me after all....
After the surgery and after teaching for 2 years I decided to move to DC for graduate school at Gallaudet University. When I moved I was dating a guy that was...less than stellar and WAY LESS than I deserved! After breaking things off with him, my wonderful friend Sasha decided it was time for me to start dating and find someone worthy of my time and attention!
Sasha is the one responsible for Rich and I finding each other. She wrote my profile on Yahoo! Personals as well as the first email that was ever sent to Rich (on Feb 2, 2007):
Hey,
Introductions are kind of funny, aren't they? You don't know where to start but basically have to start from somewhere...Just wanted to say that your profile caught my eye.
Well...my name is Michelle, and I moved to Washington DC a few months ago, after teaching High School for two years, to further my education in Sign Language Interpretation. I was raised in Texas, so a Southern girl by heart but slowly being corrupted by the city lifestyle. :) Being here has been a lot of fun, I'm surrounded by a great group of friends and am extremely adventurous, however I haven't forgotten my roots- and that lies with my family, and unfortunately, according to my girls, some good country music and cowboy boots. I get made fun of for that. =) No really, I don't wear cowboy boots (often) but you get the drift right?!
Well, I'm going to go before I become Chatty Cathy..but hope to hear back from you soon, if you are interested.
~Michelle
Rich will tell you, he almost didn't respond because of the country music reference. Thankfully he did though! :) Our first date was on Friday, April 13, 2007. We had talked and emailed weekly from Feb-April and so we decided to meet face to face. He took me to Macaroni Grill for dinner (I can still remember where we sat, what we ordered and what we both were wearing that night). Despite me being late, thanks to DC traffic and a hair appointment gone bad...lets just say eggplant colored hair is not what you want for a first date!!!, we both had a good time. After dinner we went over to a pool hall down the road and spent more time talking and getting to know each other better.
While waiting for a pool table to open up we were deep in conversation about many things, the bulk of which was our families and our nieces and nephews. It was at this time I felt I needed to be honest with Rich. I asked him if he wanted children of his own, and as I suspected he said "yes". I decided now was the time to tell him for many reasons, the main one being that any relationship that had potential had to start out with honesty and we were both too old to be playing games. I didn't want this relationship to get serious and him not know the truth, if it was going to be a deal breaker it needed to be a deal breaker before it went too far! I know it took Rich by surprise but he will tell you that me being honest on that first date is one of the reasons he called me back, that it took courage and strength for me to be that open on the first date. That wasn't the only time that this would be an issue in our relationship.
I knew on our second date, at Match Box brick oven pizza in China Town (upstairs, tall table second from the window), I KNEW Rich was the man I was going to marry. We were talking and as I looked across the table at him I just knew, knew he was THE ONE. This realization didn't come as fast for Rich. Part of his struggle was that he had to know and be sure that he would be OK with not having his own biological children. I guess it was about four months into our relationship and Rich and I were at his house and I could tell something was bothering him. I asked him several times if he was OK and I would get the standard "yes" or "I'm fine". I knew, don't know how but I knew what was on his mind. I asked him point blank if it was bothering him that if we were to work out he would not have his own biological children.
It was through teary eyes that he honestly answered that question. After many tears and hugs and time in silence as well as discussing other options for having a family the night came to an end and I didn't know where we stood. I told him if he needed time away to think and figure it out for himself to let me know, he told me that he didn't need time away from me but did need time to think. Needless to say this hurt, no it stung and I felt my heart ripping to shreds. Here was this man, who I was falling in love with, could see a future with, who for the first time I felt would treat me the way I deserved and who shared goals and dreams of a future that I did, but he didn't know if he could be with me...
There were friends and family that I shared this with, who thought that it was cruel of him to be honest and say that to me. While it might have appeared that way to others, I didn't see it that way, I saw it as Rich being open and honest with me just as I had been with him on our first date. It hurt me just as much that first night as it probably did him the night he told me he was struggling with that fact. It did hurt, and it scared me, but I had to allow him the time to process the information. I had, at that point, 3 years to process and deal with the information. Rich deserved time as well, so I gave it to him. We went on dating but didn't address the issue of family unless he brought it up, I couldn't bear the thought of the possible let down or break up.
Throughout the next five months my mind and heart struggled with not knowing if this would be something that would come between Rich and I. My insecurities were enough without adding this fact into the mix, the fact that I would never be able to give the man I loved biological children of his own. It was a tough year for me, tougher than I think anyone ever realized. Many nights I would spend crying, wondering if this was meant to be and if I would get my "Happily Ever After" or if that was thrown away the same day as my surgery.
It was on my birthday 2007 that Rich told me those 3 little words I had been wanting to say to him, but dang well wasn't going to be the first to say them, for so long. It was at that moment that a part of my heart healed and knew that he had thought about and decided that he would be OK, that WE would be OK despite not having biological children of our own. Though my heart was still guarded and my mind was still thinking and analyzing, way more than it should have been, I was more hopeful than I had ever been that I too would have my happy ending. My happy ending would be with this man, the one I had fallen so hopelessly in love with.
Despite all this, and the joy that came with knowing that Rich loved me and was accepting the fact that I could not give him the biological children he had always dreamed of...I still couldn't get out of my head and still couldn't let the fear go that he might change his mind. He might leave me after all....
Monday, March 7, 2011
Lets start at the very beginning...
I've been trying to figure out a way to blog about the adoption process. I have struggled with knowing where to start. I thought I didn't have anything to say, or not enough to say about it yet. After talking with a friend and after reading my Adoptive Families magazine this weekend I figured I could start at the very beginning and be completely candid about my feelings and the process I have gone through for the last several years, so here goes....
It all started when I was a freshman in college. I began having irregular periods. It only got worse from there. Fast forward through years of birth control and years of frustration, one day my period came and never left...for an entire year. After seeing several doctors and undergoing several procedures and trips to the operating room, there was still no end in sight. I was even referred to a fertility specialist. This specialist tried everything that she would have tried had I been a woman attempting to, and struggling with getting pregnant. Nothing worked. I was so over all of this I went back to my regular doctor and we discussed and decided that after 7 years of frustration it was time to consider my quality of life and we decided to do a hysterectomy. I had no way of knowing how infertility would effect my life, and in what ways.
This decision was a "no-brainer" until 6 days before my surgery. on June 10, 2004 my wonderful, fun loving nephew David was born. My kind-hearted sister-in-law, Natalie, allowed me to be in the delivery room with her, Mitch and my mom while David was born. This was the most beautiful and heart wrenching gift I have ever been given. I fell in love with that little man the instant I saw him. He was so tiny and so precious and it hit me like a ton of bricks that even if I wanted to give birth to my own children I would never be able to. There was no way around it, I would never be able to give birth and come the following week it was a done deal with no more attempts for "fixing" what the unknown problem was with my body.
That night, after a long emotional day in the hospital, my mom and I went to a local Mexican restaurant (Chuy's) and ordered dinner and margaritas. We both sobbed into our margaritas as I questioned my decision to go through with the hysterectomy. Even as I write this now, it is as raw of a feeling as it was that day. Though I know that there was no other decision to be made, no more tests to run or drugs to try, it hurt (and still does) that I would NEVER be able to have that beautiful moment my wonderful and loving brother and sister had just experienced, and allowed me to be a part of. There was no way I could NOT still have the surgery, it came down to a quality of life issue. I was 25 and my body had been put through hell trying to figure out what was causing these problems and still here I was 345 days into my "last menstrual period".
The surgery came and went, no problems there. After a night in the hospital, where I was visited by my brother who brought me a Bath and Bodywork's gift set and proceeded to put chap stick on me because my lips were dry :) , I was sent home. There it was, I wouldn't have to worry about having the problems that had ailed me for so long, not anymore.
December 29, 2005 it all came flooding back. My beautifully sassy niece, Blythe, was born. You would think that after 18 months I would be over the fact that I wouldn't be able to give birth and have my own biological children, you would be wrong. Blythe's birth hit harder than David's in many many ways. She was so precious and tiny and for reasons beyond my understanding she loves me more than I could ever hope for. Her birth sent me into another period of sadness and realization that this would never be me. Blythe is so special to me and I tease Natalie, now, that Blythe is a "mini-me". Bless Natalie's heart because Blythe is so much like I was at her age and we are both sassy and strong willed. Blythe had me, like David and Michael too, wrapped around her little tiny finger from the very first moment I saw her. We have a connection that I can't explain but am so very thankful for. With that wrap of the finger came pain that I hadn't let myself admit to feeling or process since the surgery and it hurt, hurt more than words can express. I am so thankful that, even though I can not give birth to any children, Mitch and Natalie allow me to be a part of David, Blythe and Michael's childhoods and watch them grow up and most of all, LOVE them with every fiber of my being!
So there it is, the first of a few emotional blogs to come on this journey I have been on for the last 13 years. I will post the next "chapter" soon...stay tuned for what's still to come. Much love and blessings to you all! Until the next post...
It all started when I was a freshman in college. I began having irregular periods. It only got worse from there. Fast forward through years of birth control and years of frustration, one day my period came and never left...for an entire year. After seeing several doctors and undergoing several procedures and trips to the operating room, there was still no end in sight. I was even referred to a fertility specialist. This specialist tried everything that she would have tried had I been a woman attempting to, and struggling with getting pregnant. Nothing worked. I was so over all of this I went back to my regular doctor and we discussed and decided that after 7 years of frustration it was time to consider my quality of life and we decided to do a hysterectomy. I had no way of knowing how infertility would effect my life, and in what ways.
This decision was a "no-brainer" until 6 days before my surgery. on June 10, 2004 my wonderful, fun loving nephew David was born. My kind-hearted sister-in-law, Natalie, allowed me to be in the delivery room with her, Mitch and my mom while David was born. This was the most beautiful and heart wrenching gift I have ever been given. I fell in love with that little man the instant I saw him. He was so tiny and so precious and it hit me like a ton of bricks that even if I wanted to give birth to my own children I would never be able to. There was no way around it, I would never be able to give birth and come the following week it was a done deal with no more attempts for "fixing" what the unknown problem was with my body.
That night, after a long emotional day in the hospital, my mom and I went to a local Mexican restaurant (Chuy's) and ordered dinner and margaritas. We both sobbed into our margaritas as I questioned my decision to go through with the hysterectomy. Even as I write this now, it is as raw of a feeling as it was that day. Though I know that there was no other decision to be made, no more tests to run or drugs to try, it hurt (and still does) that I would NEVER be able to have that beautiful moment my wonderful and loving brother and sister had just experienced, and allowed me to be a part of. There was no way I could NOT still have the surgery, it came down to a quality of life issue. I was 25 and my body had been put through hell trying to figure out what was causing these problems and still here I was 345 days into my "last menstrual period".
The surgery came and went, no problems there. After a night in the hospital, where I was visited by my brother who brought me a Bath and Bodywork's gift set and proceeded to put chap stick on me because my lips were dry :) , I was sent home. There it was, I wouldn't have to worry about having the problems that had ailed me for so long, not anymore.
December 29, 2005 it all came flooding back. My beautifully sassy niece, Blythe, was born. You would think that after 18 months I would be over the fact that I wouldn't be able to give birth and have my own biological children, you would be wrong. Blythe's birth hit harder than David's in many many ways. She was so precious and tiny and for reasons beyond my understanding she loves me more than I could ever hope for. Her birth sent me into another period of sadness and realization that this would never be me. Blythe is so special to me and I tease Natalie, now, that Blythe is a "mini-me". Bless Natalie's heart because Blythe is so much like I was at her age and we are both sassy and strong willed. Blythe had me, like David and Michael too, wrapped around her little tiny finger from the very first moment I saw her. We have a connection that I can't explain but am so very thankful for. With that wrap of the finger came pain that I hadn't let myself admit to feeling or process since the surgery and it hurt, hurt more than words can express. I am so thankful that, even though I can not give birth to any children, Mitch and Natalie allow me to be a part of David, Blythe and Michael's childhoods and watch them grow up and most of all, LOVE them with every fiber of my being!
So there it is, the first of a few emotional blogs to come on this journey I have been on for the last 13 years. I will post the next "chapter" soon...stay tuned for what's still to come. Much love and blessings to you all! Until the next post...
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