Quickly after we were officially active with American Adoptions we began receiving emails about birth mothers and if it was ok to show our profile to them.
All of the questions we answered on the Adoptive Parent Questionnaire (APQ) as to what we preferred in a little baby, boy/girl, drug/alcohol use that we were comfortable with, medical and social history preferences, mental health issues within the immediate and distant family members etc, were all entered into a database. The birth mothers filled out questionnaires about what they were looking for in adoptive parents and this too was entered into a database. Then a search would be run and if there was a match our profile was automatically shown to the birth mother with out saying anything to us. If there was a birth mother that we matched on everything but maybe 1-2 items, such as the budget for the adoption being a little more than we said we could do or mental health issues in the family etc, then we would get an email asking if they could show our profile.
When we would receive the emails asking if our profile could be shown, we were given more detailed information on the birth mother and her situation so that we could make the best informed decision as to have our profile shown or not. Often times I would get the email, forward it to Rich at work and then call him right away (or as soon as I could) to discuss it. I wanted to be able to say yes as soon as possible.
Sadly there were some situations that were just too far outside of our comfort zone. Some mental health issues in immediate family, or even the birth mother, that we didn't know if we could handle should our child have them. There were also some drugs, even prescribed ones. that after reading the potential birth defects for babies whose mothers were taking these medications during pregnancy could have, we just were not comfortable having our profile shown.
It may seem selfish but, with adoption, you have to know where your comfort zone lies. if you are comfortable with a biracial child, if you are comfortable raising a child who's race is completely different than your own, potential medical or health problems they could be born with etc. This seems selfish because if you are able to conceive on your own some of these "possibilities" are out of your control and you have to roll with the punches once the baby is born. In adoption you do have the ability to say no to some of these possibilities, and we did.
We had several emails from the agency asking if our profile could be shown. There was always that excitement thinking "this could be the one" or "this could be the birth mother who is carrying our baby" and even "by ___ date, we could be holding our little bundle of joy". I always had the butterflies of excitement in my tummy when I would see an email from the adoption agency, I would check my email several times a day just to see if there was anything from our social worker.
The hardest part was saying no. I don't know how many of the emails we said "No" to compared with how many we said "yes" to but it never was easy. It was gut wrenching every time I had to respond and say we weren't comfortable with having our profile shown. I couldn't help but have an overwhelming feeling of "what if we just said no to the child that was meant to be ours?" or "will we ever bring home a baby?". It was not easy saying that we didn't want our profile shown and I always felt guilty doing so. I know our agency has 200+ families they are working with and that somewhere there will be a family that says yes to having their profile shown but it didn't lesson the guilt.
Rich and I would often have the conversation about not wanting to say "yes" to having our profile shown just because we wanted a child so desperately. This was hard for me. I wanted a child so bad that I wasn't thinking about what we, as a couple, were comfortable with and what we weren't comfortable with. I think I was approaching each situation from an emotional place that Rich wasn't. He is the logical, more rational person in our relationship (which is good, don't get me wrong) and I am the emotional basket case. The adoption process was way more emotional and heart breaking than I ever imagined and each and every time we had to say no my heart broke more and my hope and faith that we would be parents died little by little.
How do you say "no"? It never became any easier, in the year + that we were working with American Adoptions, never was it easy to say no. Not only was it not easy to say no, it never really felt like the "right" thing to do. Again, I think was the emotional side of me that couldn't get past the "what if this is THE one" thought. That's just it, it was a thought...a FEAR. A very real fear of not ever being chosen as adoptive parents and never being able to have the family we both desperately wanted. With each "no" the feeling of guilt grew stronger. Guilt that I was never going to be able to provide my husband with a child to love and play with and teach how to wrestle. Guilt that this was all my fault, had he found someone else who could have children that he would be happier and already have a family. Each time we would talk about adoption and how we were getting discouraged, the topic of age would come up. I could see in Rich's face that he felt he was getting old, too old to raise a child, especially if it was going to take much longer.
Though Rich has never once blamed me, and has always been quick to discourage these feelings of guilt, I couldn't help it. I felt like I was the reason we hadn't yet started a family. Though he was well aware that I couldn't have children, since our first date, it wasn't easy for me not to blame myself and wonder if he wished things were different. If he wished he had married someone else who could conceive children. Rich has NEVER made me feel this way, it was always my own fears and self confidence issues that were rearing their ugly heads, not Rich. It is the emotional Scorpio side of me.
We continued to receive emails, weekly (or so it seemed). Some we would say yes and have our profile shown and then sit and wait and wonder if we would be picked. Then we would receive an email from the agency and, with butterflies in my stomach, I would open them and see that another family had been chosen. Some emails we would say no to and our agency was always understanding. It was refreshing to have such a great and communicative agency but it never became easier in saying no to some and, likewise, it never became less exciting to see an email from the adoption agency or to be able to say yes to some of the birth mothers we were presented with.
Sadly, the timing was beginning to not look or feel right, and the feeling of "this isn't going to happen" was overwhelmingly painful.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Our Adoption Story: You have GOT to be kidding me
We signed on with American Adoptions in December 2011. All was going well and we were submitting our Adoptive Parent Questionnaire stuff, editing our profile and waiting for the draft of our video to be sent our way. The holidays had come and gone and we were both back to the grind stone.
I had started a new contract position with the New Mexico Commission for Deaf and Hard of Hearing in January. I was one of the two contract "staff" sign language interpreters. It quickly became routine for some of the staff to take a morning break and all head to "The Bux" (aka Starbucks) as it was only a couple blocks down the road. We all looked forward to and enjoyed this little coffee/chai break from the office that helped kick start our day. Lots of laughter always accompanied these trips.
One February morning we were walking into Starbucks when my phone rang. I recognized the number as one belonging to American Adoptions. Of course I was a little excited and hopeful that this was "the call". Could it be "the call" when it had only been a couple of months? Angie, our adoption coordinator, was on the other line. She asked me if I had a minute to talk (what was I going to say "actually, I am on my way to order my daily addiction so can we talk later!?"?? umm..NO). Angie proceeded to tell me that during the legislative session the NM governor signed and passed a bill. This bill, essentially, tripled our wait time. It was a bill that limited the adoption agencies that worked with New Mexico families. There was no grandfather clause and it was effective immediately and effective for all.
I do not remember a lot of that conversation. I remember my eyes welling up with tears and me trying to maintain my composure, after all I was in public in the middle of a workday morning. It was hard. It hurt. I didn't understand what was happening or what the reasoning for this law was. It made no sense. There are hardly any adoption agencies here in NM and the ONE that I know of doesn't have very many domestic newborn placements but rather older children and international placements. I could not wrap my head around this law and why it was voted in favor of, unanimously, and signed as an emergency bill.
What did this mean for us? Should we just throw in the towel and give up? We JUST wrote a huge check and had invested a lot of time in getting started with a new agency, one that had promise. was this all for not? Are we not supposed to be parents? Is this never going to happen? I didn't get it, I couldn't even begin to understand and process what we were going to do at this point.
When I got back to the office I called Rich. We said we would talk about it when we got home. I started trying to look for this bill and try to find any kind of reasoning or understanding and why it was such an emergency to pass it without anyone knowing anything about it. I couldn't find anything. Later, through a co-worker who knew someone at the Children Youth and Families Department, we received a copy of the bill. It still didn't make sense.
After speaking with Rich about it. We decided that we would keep plugging on. That we had some confidence in American Adoptions and felt good about working with them. After a little more talking about the situation and what it could possibly mean for us, I became angry. Angry at the NM government but even more angry at Heart to Heart Adoptions. American Adoptions called us IMMEDIATELY. They explained everything to us, even if I wasn't capable of hearing and processing all that they told me. The explained the bill as they understood it and how it would impact our family. They called us within just a few days of the bill being signed. American Adoptions even had their lawyers looking into it and possibly suing the state of NM. Heart to Heart, who at the time we were still active with and had not told them to take a hike yet, NEVER communicated with us about this bill. Not an email, phone call, form letter, pigeon carrier, nada, nothing, not a single word. I became angry that they were supposedly working with/for us and helping us start our family and yet they made no attempt in knowing about new laws in the states of their adoptive parents and the impact these laws may have. How is that possible?
It took some time, mainly because I can be rather stubborn, before I finally contacted Heart to Heart. One thing that led to me kicking them to the curb was that, not only had they only asked to show our profile 1 time in 6+ months, but I received an email that was (I believe) an internal email but they clicked on the wrong "Michelle" in their address book. It was an email they received from a prospective adoptive parent inquiring about an adoption situation. The email from the social worker, again meant for another Heart to Heart staff member, said "Really? They are the ones that said they didn’t want baby to be too tan! " That statement in and of itself I was offended by and then the fact that they sent it to me, I am sure by accident, and never tried to retract it or say "please disregard/we are sorry we sent that to you.." SOMETHING would have been nice but nope. I don't want an agency like that working for me! When I contacted them about us no longer desiring to work with them, and that we had decided to work with a different agency, I received an email response back that said "Got it. Thanks". That's it. No "I'm sorry to hear this" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" etc. I explained in the email the frustrations we felt about the lack of communication and our profile not being shown etc. and the only response was "got it. thanks". Hmm. Made me feel like our decision to change agencies really was the best decision and grew my faith in American Adoptions even more.
Despite the new law passed, American Adoptions started contacting us in March asking if they could show our profile to some birth mothers. That made me feel even better about our decision and started to ease my doubts about us ever being able to adopt and bring home a little one.
I had started a new contract position with the New Mexico Commission for Deaf and Hard of Hearing in January. I was one of the two contract "staff" sign language interpreters. It quickly became routine for some of the staff to take a morning break and all head to "The Bux" (aka Starbucks) as it was only a couple blocks down the road. We all looked forward to and enjoyed this little coffee/chai break from the office that helped kick start our day. Lots of laughter always accompanied these trips.
One February morning we were walking into Starbucks when my phone rang. I recognized the number as one belonging to American Adoptions. Of course I was a little excited and hopeful that this was "the call". Could it be "the call" when it had only been a couple of months? Angie, our adoption coordinator, was on the other line. She asked me if I had a minute to talk (what was I going to say "actually, I am on my way to order my daily addiction so can we talk later!?"?? umm..NO). Angie proceeded to tell me that during the legislative session the NM governor signed and passed a bill. This bill, essentially, tripled our wait time. It was a bill that limited the adoption agencies that worked with New Mexico families. There was no grandfather clause and it was effective immediately and effective for all.
I do not remember a lot of that conversation. I remember my eyes welling up with tears and me trying to maintain my composure, after all I was in public in the middle of a workday morning. It was hard. It hurt. I didn't understand what was happening or what the reasoning for this law was. It made no sense. There are hardly any adoption agencies here in NM and the ONE that I know of doesn't have very many domestic newborn placements but rather older children and international placements. I could not wrap my head around this law and why it was voted in favor of, unanimously, and signed as an emergency bill.
What did this mean for us? Should we just throw in the towel and give up? We JUST wrote a huge check and had invested a lot of time in getting started with a new agency, one that had promise. was this all for not? Are we not supposed to be parents? Is this never going to happen? I didn't get it, I couldn't even begin to understand and process what we were going to do at this point.
When I got back to the office I called Rich. We said we would talk about it when we got home. I started trying to look for this bill and try to find any kind of reasoning or understanding and why it was such an emergency to pass it without anyone knowing anything about it. I couldn't find anything. Later, through a co-worker who knew someone at the Children Youth and Families Department, we received a copy of the bill. It still didn't make sense.
After speaking with Rich about it. We decided that we would keep plugging on. That we had some confidence in American Adoptions and felt good about working with them. After a little more talking about the situation and what it could possibly mean for us, I became angry. Angry at the NM government but even more angry at Heart to Heart Adoptions. American Adoptions called us IMMEDIATELY. They explained everything to us, even if I wasn't capable of hearing and processing all that they told me. The explained the bill as they understood it and how it would impact our family. They called us within just a few days of the bill being signed. American Adoptions even had their lawyers looking into it and possibly suing the state of NM. Heart to Heart, who at the time we were still active with and had not told them to take a hike yet, NEVER communicated with us about this bill. Not an email, phone call, form letter, pigeon carrier, nada, nothing, not a single word. I became angry that they were supposedly working with/for us and helping us start our family and yet they made no attempt in knowing about new laws in the states of their adoptive parents and the impact these laws may have. How is that possible?
It took some time, mainly because I can be rather stubborn, before I finally contacted Heart to Heart. One thing that led to me kicking them to the curb was that, not only had they only asked to show our profile 1 time in 6+ months, but I received an email that was (I believe) an internal email but they clicked on the wrong "Michelle" in their address book. It was an email they received from a prospective adoptive parent inquiring about an adoption situation. The email from the social worker, again meant for another Heart to Heart staff member, said "Really? They are the ones that said they didn’t want baby to be too tan! " That statement in and of itself I was offended by and then the fact that they sent it to me, I am sure by accident, and never tried to retract it or say "please disregard/we are sorry we sent that to you.." SOMETHING would have been nice but nope. I don't want an agency like that working for me! When I contacted them about us no longer desiring to work with them, and that we had decided to work with a different agency, I received an email response back that said "Got it. Thanks". That's it. No "I'm sorry to hear this" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" etc. I explained in the email the frustrations we felt about the lack of communication and our profile not being shown etc. and the only response was "got it. thanks". Hmm. Made me feel like our decision to change agencies really was the best decision and grew my faith in American Adoptions even more.
Despite the new law passed, American Adoptions started contacting us in March asking if they could show our profile to some birth mothers. That made me feel even better about our decision and started to ease my doubts about us ever being able to adopt and bring home a little one.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Our Adoption Story: Out with the old, in with the new
I love my brother. Despite all evidence to the contrary while we were growing up, I really am lucky to have Mitch as my brother and in my life. He has fought for me (literally and figuratively), loved me, encouraged me and stood behind me in everything I do. It is Mitch who helped us make a life altering change in our journey.
One day Mitch called and as we were talking he asked if we had heard of an agency called American Adoptions. He told me about a coworker who had adopted thru them, in fairly short order, and this was the agency they used. I was hesitant to even consider a new agency (even though ours was WORTHLESS). I was afraid, after research we had done early on and what we had seen about other agencies and their fees etc, to start all over again. Mitch talked about his coworkers experience and I thought it was worth at least calling and checking into.
I spoke with Rich about what Mitch had said and we decided to call and see what we thought. I remember sitting in my car, in a parking lot, after a job and making that call. I was connected with a gentleman, Mike, that works for American Adoptions. He was so nice and answered all of my questions. He didn't seem to be in a rush to get off the phone and on with his day but rather that he was there for us. It was a breath of fresh air. Even in that 20-30 minute phone call I felt more comfortable with them than I had the agency that we had "worked" with for months now. That conversation was more contact than I had had with Heart to Heart. By the end of the phone call, the questions I had for them were answered and an information packet was on its way to us.
It was an overwhelming feeling but with my note pad in hand, Rich and I sat down and talked about possibly switching agencies. It required a substantial amount of money just to become "active" with this agency. The money wasn't the issue, it was that I didn't want to invest this money in an agency that would fail us the way the other two had. I didn't want to invest this and then be stuck and not be able to change paths again if it didn't work out. Once we paid this money we were in it until the end, or until we decided to pull the plug and not adopt after all.
I believe there were a few more calls to American Adoptions and a few more questions answered. Never once did I feel like I was burdening them by calling and asking questions. It was a great feeling and, in the end, an easy decision to make and sign on with them as an Adoptive Family. We began submitting the paperwork that they needed to start our profile. Answered all types of questions about us as a couple, family and individuals. We had to answer a list of favorites for each of us, such as favorite cartoon, car, animal, book, movie etc. We also had to write a letter to any potential birthmothers. This is what we wrote:
Thank you for reading this letter and taking the time to explore our profile. Our names are Rich and Michelle and we are a happily married couple currently living in New Mexico. Throughout our entire relationship, we have always known we would adopt children. We are excited and ready to begin our family and be matched with the child that is meant to warm our home and our hearts with love, laughter and memories. Without you, we could not begin this process or travel down this path. Thank you for blessing us like this. Though we have never met you, we talk about you often, and how appreciative we are of you. You are selfless and courageous, and we are so grateful to you for allowing us to fulfill our dream of being parents and helping us to create our family.
Without the opportunity to adopt, the opportunity that can only come from you, we would not be able to have the family we have both always dreamed of. Right now there is a void in our home; there are no giggles or bed time stories, no noisy toys or dirty diapers to change. Experiencing the joy and miracle of parenthood is a dream for us. Rich can see himself playing catch in the front yard and Michelle can not wait to teach this child sign language and sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." Our happy home is ready for a son or daughter, and we are so thankful to you for your brave and loving decision.
Both of our families look forward to welcoming another little one. This child will have 11 cousins to play with and follow after during family holidays and visits. Both grandmas will be all too happy to have another grandchild to love. The grandfathers will love having another one to give piggy back rides and read to. There are aunts and uncles ready to spoil, play with and babysit anytime they can. There is so much love in our families, and everyone is excited to have another child to share that love with.
We will be happy to send you letters and pictures so that you can see this child grow and develop into the person they are meant to be. Should you want to exchange emails or talk via the phone, we would be happy to have this type of communication as well. We will do everything in our power, aligned with your comfort level, to ensure that this child knows who you are and what a tremendous gift you have given us.
We both want to sincerely thank you again for helping us to fulfill our dreams of having a family. We are truly excited to begin this process and look forward to getting to know you better. You will be in our thoughts and prayers everyday.
Thank you for taking the time to look at our profile. Even if you should not feel that we are a good fit for you, we wish you all the wonderful opportunities life can offer and a healthy delivery!
Sincerely,
Rich and Michelle
There was much more we had to fill out and answer, MUCH more. The agency then took all our information and pictures and wove it into a beautiful profile, both online and in print, that would be shown to birth mothers who's preferences matched with ours.
Once they had all the information for the print and online profile and while they were working on putting that together, they sent us video equipment to get some footage of what would later become our video profile. We put off the video portion until we were traveling home to Texas so that we could get some shots of us with the kiddos (I wanted to make sure that it appeared as though we knew what to do with a kid :)). We did this at Mitch and Natalie's house. We made muffins with the kids, showed Rich and I with baby Caroline, went to the park to run, swing on the monkey bars and play with the kids. Later that night Mitch and Natalie answered some suggested questions about us and how great we would be as parents :). We also had our friends Missie and Seb, Tom and Jenn and Rich's brother Steve and sister in law Stacy submit their video interviews as well. The agency would only pick one interview to show, Missie and Seb won that one :). We sent all this off to the agency and they made a FABULOUS video profile of us. The link is below:
http://www.americanadoptions.com/ytvideo.php?vid=HMejR63GY60
During all of this we were having to update our homestudy for the third time. Since the first was done with the intention of an international adoption of a deaf child, when we switched to Heart to Heart we had to update it to reflect a domestic newborn adoption. Homestudies are only good for 12 months so in January of 2012 we were due to update again. Home visit, fingerprints, background checks etc all had to be done over. It wasn't too long after this that we were all up to date with everything and officially became active and listed on American Adoptions website as adoptive parents looking for their little one. And thus, the waiting began again...
One day Mitch called and as we were talking he asked if we had heard of an agency called American Adoptions. He told me about a coworker who had adopted thru them, in fairly short order, and this was the agency they used. I was hesitant to even consider a new agency (even though ours was WORTHLESS). I was afraid, after research we had done early on and what we had seen about other agencies and their fees etc, to start all over again. Mitch talked about his coworkers experience and I thought it was worth at least calling and checking into.
I spoke with Rich about what Mitch had said and we decided to call and see what we thought. I remember sitting in my car, in a parking lot, after a job and making that call. I was connected with a gentleman, Mike, that works for American Adoptions. He was so nice and answered all of my questions. He didn't seem to be in a rush to get off the phone and on with his day but rather that he was there for us. It was a breath of fresh air. Even in that 20-30 minute phone call I felt more comfortable with them than I had the agency that we had "worked" with for months now. That conversation was more contact than I had had with Heart to Heart. By the end of the phone call, the questions I had for them were answered and an information packet was on its way to us.
It was an overwhelming feeling but with my note pad in hand, Rich and I sat down and talked about possibly switching agencies. It required a substantial amount of money just to become "active" with this agency. The money wasn't the issue, it was that I didn't want to invest this money in an agency that would fail us the way the other two had. I didn't want to invest this and then be stuck and not be able to change paths again if it didn't work out. Once we paid this money we were in it until the end, or until we decided to pull the plug and not adopt after all.
I believe there were a few more calls to American Adoptions and a few more questions answered. Never once did I feel like I was burdening them by calling and asking questions. It was a great feeling and, in the end, an easy decision to make and sign on with them as an Adoptive Family. We began submitting the paperwork that they needed to start our profile. Answered all types of questions about us as a couple, family and individuals. We had to answer a list of favorites for each of us, such as favorite cartoon, car, animal, book, movie etc. We also had to write a letter to any potential birthmothers. This is what we wrote:
Letter to Birth Mother
Thank you for reading this letter and taking the time to explore our profile. Our names are Rich and Michelle and we are a happily married couple currently living in New Mexico. Throughout our entire relationship, we have always known we would adopt children. We are excited and ready to begin our family and be matched with the child that is meant to warm our home and our hearts with love, laughter and memories. Without you, we could not begin this process or travel down this path. Thank you for blessing us like this. Though we have never met you, we talk about you often, and how appreciative we are of you. You are selfless and courageous, and we are so grateful to you for allowing us to fulfill our dream of being parents and helping us to create our family.
Without the opportunity to adopt, the opportunity that can only come from you, we would not be able to have the family we have both always dreamed of. Right now there is a void in our home; there are no giggles or bed time stories, no noisy toys or dirty diapers to change. Experiencing the joy and miracle of parenthood is a dream for us. Rich can see himself playing catch in the front yard and Michelle can not wait to teach this child sign language and sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." Our happy home is ready for a son or daughter, and we are so thankful to you for your brave and loving decision.
Both of our families look forward to welcoming another little one. This child will have 11 cousins to play with and follow after during family holidays and visits. Both grandmas will be all too happy to have another grandchild to love. The grandfathers will love having another one to give piggy back rides and read to. There are aunts and uncles ready to spoil, play with and babysit anytime they can. There is so much love in our families, and everyone is excited to have another child to share that love with.
We will be happy to send you letters and pictures so that you can see this child grow and develop into the person they are meant to be. Should you want to exchange emails or talk via the phone, we would be happy to have this type of communication as well. We will do everything in our power, aligned with your comfort level, to ensure that this child knows who you are and what a tremendous gift you have given us.
We both want to sincerely thank you again for helping us to fulfill our dreams of having a family. We are truly excited to begin this process and look forward to getting to know you better. You will be in our thoughts and prayers everyday.
Thank you for taking the time to look at our profile. Even if you should not feel that we are a good fit for you, we wish you all the wonderful opportunities life can offer and a healthy delivery!
Sincerely,
Rich and Michelle
There was much more we had to fill out and answer, MUCH more. The agency then took all our information and pictures and wove it into a beautiful profile, both online and in print, that would be shown to birth mothers who's preferences matched with ours.
Once they had all the information for the print and online profile and while they were working on putting that together, they sent us video equipment to get some footage of what would later become our video profile. We put off the video portion until we were traveling home to Texas so that we could get some shots of us with the kiddos (I wanted to make sure that it appeared as though we knew what to do with a kid :)). We did this at Mitch and Natalie's house. We made muffins with the kids, showed Rich and I with baby Caroline, went to the park to run, swing on the monkey bars and play with the kids. Later that night Mitch and Natalie answered some suggested questions about us and how great we would be as parents :). We also had our friends Missie and Seb, Tom and Jenn and Rich's brother Steve and sister in law Stacy submit their video interviews as well. The agency would only pick one interview to show, Missie and Seb won that one :). We sent all this off to the agency and they made a FABULOUS video profile of us. The link is below:
http://www.americanadoptions.com/ytvideo.php?vid=HMejR63GY60
During all of this we were having to update our homestudy for the third time. Since the first was done with the intention of an international adoption of a deaf child, when we switched to Heart to Heart we had to update it to reflect a domestic newborn adoption. Homestudies are only good for 12 months so in January of 2012 we were due to update again. Home visit, fingerprints, background checks etc all had to be done over. It wasn't too long after this that we were all up to date with everything and officially became active and listed on American Adoptions website as adoptive parents looking for their little one. And thus, the waiting began again...
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Our adoption story: Nothing like hurry up and wait!
So, as the previous post said, we signed on with Heart to Heart Adoptions. We were excited to get back into the process and had high hopes for this agency. It was all for not. After 6 months our profile had not been shown one single time. Any communication we had with our agency was all instigated on my end. I would receive mass emails of "I know the waiting is hard..." It was so impersonal and cold. Eventually we got word that our adoption coordinator had been promoted and our new one would be contacting us soon. To the best of my recollection, we never received any introduction or communication from her. I was getting really discouraged and was ready to throw in the towel.
It felt as if our dreams of being parents were never going to come true. Both Rich and I ached to become parents but it didn't feel as if it was in the cards for us. I kept telling myself that God hears the desires of our hearts and He knows that Rich and I want to be parents that surely it would happen. But after months and months of me contacting our agency, and getting little response from them, it felt like this was all unattainable.
We had been through so many ups and downs with Katia's adoption not happening I was beginning to wonder if I could do this. Was I strong enough to continue on this roller coaster of emotions and not end up in a padded cell at the end. Even my family was beginning to doubt and look for other options for us, make suggestions of things to try. It wasn't until a phone call from my brother, and what came after that, that I began to feel hopeful and excited about this journey again.
It felt as if our dreams of being parents were never going to come true. Both Rich and I ached to become parents but it didn't feel as if it was in the cards for us. I kept telling myself that God hears the desires of our hearts and He knows that Rich and I want to be parents that surely it would happen. But after months and months of me contacting our agency, and getting little response from them, it felt like this was all unattainable.
We had been through so many ups and downs with Katia's adoption not happening I was beginning to wonder if I could do this. Was I strong enough to continue on this roller coaster of emotions and not end up in a padded cell at the end. Even my family was beginning to doubt and look for other options for us, make suggestions of things to try. It wasn't until a phone call from my brother, and what came after that, that I began to feel hopeful and excited about this journey again.
Our adoption story, the last of the old posts...
This is from the post "Adoption Update" originally posted on 7/24/11
So its been a while since I have posted anything, its time to get caught up:
After traveling to DC this past May I came back home for a few weeks and worked worked worked. Rich and I were able to discuss and decide that we were going to jump back into the adoption process, this time using a domestic agency that specializes in new born babies. After calling and asking some questions of the agency, we decided to go with Heart to Heart Adoptions. They are based out of Utah but have mothers from all over the country.
We filled out the application, got our home study amended, had supporting documents (back ground checks, finger prints etc) sent and reference letters written and sent to the new agency. We also had to do a profile of who we are, basically our life story in a cute little presentation. Thanks to my mom and her smarts, we were able to do this fairly painlessly by creating a photo book. I worked on this book non-stop for 3 days. The first day alone I worked on it for 11 hours. With the help of Missie, Sheila, Mandy and a few others this was created, edited and printed all within one week. We received the books in short order, signed them and then put them back in the mail to the agency so that they had everything they needed for us to work with them. Then the waiting began...
So its been a while since I have posted anything, its time to get caught up:
After traveling to DC this past May I came back home for a few weeks and worked worked worked. Rich and I were able to discuss and decide that we were going to jump back into the adoption process, this time using a domestic agency that specializes in new born babies. After calling and asking some questions of the agency, we decided to go with Heart to Heart Adoptions. They are based out of Utah but have mothers from all over the country.
We filled out the application, got our home study amended, had supporting documents (back ground checks, finger prints etc) sent and reference letters written and sent to the new agency. We also had to do a profile of who we are, basically our life story in a cute little presentation. Thanks to my mom and her smarts, we were able to do this fairly painlessly by creating a photo book. I worked on this book non-stop for 3 days. The first day alone I worked on it for 11 hours. With the help of Missie, Sheila, Mandy and a few others this was created, edited and printed all within one week. We received the books in short order, signed them and then put them back in the mail to the agency so that they had everything they needed for us to work with them. Then the waiting began...
Our adoption story, continued (still)...
This is from the post "Not very comforting" originally posted 5/26/11:
This post is straight from my heart and very real. This is not meant to make anyone mad or feel anything more than a better understanding of what I am feeling right now!!!
As I began to tell friends and family about the loss of Katia, a common thread began to appear. Many people said the same thing to me, while meant to be comforting it wasn't. Most of the loved ones and friends I decided to share this information with, via Facebook, text and phone calls, said virtually the same thing "It just wasn't meant to be" or some variation of this statement. Despite all efforts, this was not comforting and this did not dull the pain any.
While most of you know me and know that I am a "glass half full" kind of person and that I am a firm believer in "If its meant to be it will be", I am not in the right frame of mind for those comments. These statements did not make me feel any better. This is not something I am capable of telling myself and believing right now.
This loss is essentially my miscarriage. For the last 7 months of my life this little girl has been mine, she has been at the center of my thoughts and conversations and excitement since October, and now she is gone. Women who are pregnant and have a miscarriage these types of statements, "It wasn't meant to be", are not said to them. This is not something that you would say because it doesn't make sense and it doesn't offer any comfort. So why say it to an adoptive parent who loses their child? Its the same thing, and it does not provide the comfort you were hoping for! In fact, it hurts more. These statements (again, I realize they are meant to show support and comfort) make it all the more clear that FEW people realize what this feels like and what I am going through and feeling at this moment. It makes me feel even more alone in this situation because there is no feeling of understanding or empathy that I so dearly need right now.
While the logical and rational side of me is happy for Katia and happy that she will have a family to call her own, this doesn't make my pain any less real or the loss any less tangible. I know that this process is completely out of my hands and that there is a child out there that needs us just as much as we need them, that doesn't make this loss any less painful. I know that we will be parents when it is our time and I know that God has a plan for us, but right now I need time to grieve. I need time to grieve the loss of my daughter, the one who I have dreamt about and loved for the past 7 months. I had no idea that my heart could love, and be broken, so much by a little girl that I have never met. My heart and I need time to heal from this.
I do not know when Rich and I will pick back up and begin the adoption process again and if we will do domestic or international adoption. Right now, Rich and I need to be together and process this hurt and loss as a couple and decide what our next step will be. It has been a long, emotional week and with Rich and I STILL not being in the same state we have not had the time to sort through our feelings as husband and wife. I am hoping that he makes it home tomorrow (all flights were cancelled today) and that we can just be together and grieve as a family before we pick up and decide what to do next.
This post is straight from my heart and very real. This is not meant to make anyone mad or feel anything more than a better understanding of what I am feeling right now!!!
As I began to tell friends and family about the loss of Katia, a common thread began to appear. Many people said the same thing to me, while meant to be comforting it wasn't. Most of the loved ones and friends I decided to share this information with, via Facebook, text and phone calls, said virtually the same thing "It just wasn't meant to be" or some variation of this statement. Despite all efforts, this was not comforting and this did not dull the pain any.
While most of you know me and know that I am a "glass half full" kind of person and that I am a firm believer in "If its meant to be it will be", I am not in the right frame of mind for those comments. These statements did not make me feel any better. This is not something I am capable of telling myself and believing right now.
This loss is essentially my miscarriage. For the last 7 months of my life this little girl has been mine, she has been at the center of my thoughts and conversations and excitement since October, and now she is gone. Women who are pregnant and have a miscarriage these types of statements, "It wasn't meant to be", are not said to them. This is not something that you would say because it doesn't make sense and it doesn't offer any comfort. So why say it to an adoptive parent who loses their child? Its the same thing, and it does not provide the comfort you were hoping for! In fact, it hurts more. These statements (again, I realize they are meant to show support and comfort) make it all the more clear that FEW people realize what this feels like and what I am going through and feeling at this moment. It makes me feel even more alone in this situation because there is no feeling of understanding or empathy that I so dearly need right now.
While the logical and rational side of me is happy for Katia and happy that she will have a family to call her own, this doesn't make my pain any less real or the loss any less tangible. I know that this process is completely out of my hands and that there is a child out there that needs us just as much as we need them, that doesn't make this loss any less painful. I know that we will be parents when it is our time and I know that God has a plan for us, but right now I need time to grieve. I need time to grieve the loss of my daughter, the one who I have dreamt about and loved for the past 7 months. I had no idea that my heart could love, and be broken, so much by a little girl that I have never met. My heart and I need time to heal from this.
I do not know when Rich and I will pick back up and begin the adoption process again and if we will do domestic or international adoption. Right now, Rich and I need to be together and process this hurt and loss as a couple and decide what our next step will be. It has been a long, emotional week and with Rich and I STILL not being in the same state we have not had the time to sort through our feelings as husband and wife. I am hoping that he makes it home tomorrow (all flights were cancelled today) and that we can just be together and grieve as a family before we pick up and decide what to do next.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Our Adoption Story, some MORE back story...
This is from the original post on 5/26/11 titled "Heartbroken":
After MONTHS of frustrating paperwork and deadlines we are told some heartbreaking and earth shattering news. Our little girl is not ours...
Last week I had the pleasure of flying to DC to be with my friend Missie and her husband Sebastian, to work and to attend what turned out to be one of the best conferences I have been to in a while. I was very much looking forward to this trip and was in a great mood starting out.
This all changed when I landed in Denver for my layover. I was settling down in my gate waiting to get on my next plane and land in DC. I received a call from my adoption counselor. I thought this was regarding our meeting, scheduled for the next day, to discus the international paperwork and deadlines fast approaching. I also thought this could be pertaining to the availability date of Katia as we had been told we would receive that some time this month. This was not the case.
I was quickly connected to the executive director of the agency. When this transfer happened I began to think that this was not a good phone call, maybe I was going to hear that Ukraine was closing their borders and our process would take even longer. I never expected what was coming. Diana has been so great during this whole process, making sure all her Ukrainian families were up to date on all the latest happenings pertaining to adoption law changes. This time, this is not what she was going to be talking to me about. This time it was worse than I ever imagined. This phone call would change my world as I knew it and put a HUGE damper in my trip. This phone call was to tell me that Katia is no longer ours for adopting, she was being adopted by the doctor who works with the children in the orphanage. The doctor could "fix her hearing" and was going to expedited the adoption of her, thus we had no reason to continue the process for our little girl.
It took everything in me not to crumble in the airport. Here I was all alone with hundreds of people passing by. I couldn't help it, I started bawling. My dream of being a mother, specifically a mother to this specific little girl had just been ripped from me and there was nothing I could do about it. The conversation wasn't a long one, I knew I would not be able to take much more and I was losing control as it was. I quickly hung up, I was hurting and I had many unanswered questions. The first thing I did was call Rich, I needed my husband and we were hundreds of miles away from one another and would be for the next week and a half. I needed him to lean on and instead all I had was a cold airport chair in a crowded airport, not very comforting!
My heart is broken and I don't know if/when it will heal. This isn't easy news to digest, still 9 days later I'm not sure I have let myself fully accept what has happened.
After MONTHS of frustrating paperwork and deadlines we are told some heartbreaking and earth shattering news. Our little girl is not ours...
Last week I had the pleasure of flying to DC to be with my friend Missie and her husband Sebastian, to work and to attend what turned out to be one of the best conferences I have been to in a while. I was very much looking forward to this trip and was in a great mood starting out.
This all changed when I landed in Denver for my layover. I was settling down in my gate waiting to get on my next plane and land in DC. I received a call from my adoption counselor. I thought this was regarding our meeting, scheduled for the next day, to discus the international paperwork and deadlines fast approaching. I also thought this could be pertaining to the availability date of Katia as we had been told we would receive that some time this month. This was not the case.
I was quickly connected to the executive director of the agency. When this transfer happened I began to think that this was not a good phone call, maybe I was going to hear that Ukraine was closing their borders and our process would take even longer. I never expected what was coming. Diana has been so great during this whole process, making sure all her Ukrainian families were up to date on all the latest happenings pertaining to adoption law changes. This time, this is not what she was going to be talking to me about. This time it was worse than I ever imagined. This phone call would change my world as I knew it and put a HUGE damper in my trip. This phone call was to tell me that Katia is no longer ours for adopting, she was being adopted by the doctor who works with the children in the orphanage. The doctor could "fix her hearing" and was going to expedited the adoption of her, thus we had no reason to continue the process for our little girl.
It took everything in me not to crumble in the airport. Here I was all alone with hundreds of people passing by. I couldn't help it, I started bawling. My dream of being a mother, specifically a mother to this specific little girl had just been ripped from me and there was nothing I could do about it. The conversation wasn't a long one, I knew I would not be able to take much more and I was losing control as it was. I quickly hung up, I was hurting and I had many unanswered questions. The first thing I did was call Rich, I needed my husband and we were hundreds of miles away from one another and would be for the next week and a half. I needed him to lean on and instead all I had was a cold airport chair in a crowded airport, not very comforting!
My heart is broken and I don't know if/when it will heal. This isn't easy news to digest, still 9 days later I'm not sure I have let myself fully accept what has happened.
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