and so it continues:
For the next year, and beyond, I continued to have my doubts (all because of my own insecurities and doubts that I could have anything to offer) about weather Rich and I would work out. Many sleepless nights, tears and wondering could not get me out of my head. I couldn't stop wondering and second guessing the feelings Rich had for me and if I was worthy of them.
Spring of 2008, as graduation was nearing, Rich asked me to move in with him after grad school was complete. This too had been a stress for me. What was I going to do after graduation? I wanted to stay in DC with my friends, my work and the man I hoped to spend the rest of my life with. I didn't know how this was going to work since I was only making $9/hour in my internship (really?? you ask...yes, really. A MA degree only gets you $9/hour with the government, who would have thought they would pay THAT much! pffft). This was so stressful and here was my night in shining armor asking me to move in with him. So, the weekend after graduation I moved in.
This was an easy but tough situation all the same. How do you share a space, like a VERY small bathroom, and live with someone that you have never lived with before? This could either make or break us. Regardless I jumped in feet first and took the chance, with fingers and toes crossed, that it would all work out how it was meant to be.
We quickly fell into a routine, it felt natural to be with Rich and to share a home with him. Despite having our house torn apart for 3-4 months that fall, as well as re-doing our deck ourselves, we survived. I did have to get the heck out of town for a week, poor Rich had to deal with the sub-contractors and the remodel all alone, but we survived and without any major arguments or issues. At this point I began to think 'if we can survive living in chaos, without a kitchen and only one functioning toilet at a time (for 3-4 months), we can survive anything...maybe!' There was hope for an "US" and I was beginning to believe in that hope.
Don't get me wrong, I still had my emotional times, my struggles within myself that I could make Rich happy. I still had that internal struggle, trying to convince myself and wondering (and every once in a while asking Rich), how I could possibly make this man happy when he was giving up such a big dream. How could anyone love me enough to give up that dream and not resent me for it later!? To be completely honest, even NOW I still wonder this every great once in a while. I wonder what I ever did to deserve such a wonderful, loving and caring man who loves me the way I always wanted, and deserved, to be loved!?
Fast forward to April 16, 2009...one of the best days of my life thus far. It was 2 years and 3 days since our first date and I was sitting, at sunset, on a private dock at a lake house Rich had rented for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary. As I was trying to take pictures of the hawk, and her nest, that was just a few feet from where we were sitting. Rich was trying to figure out how/when the best moment to pop THE BIG QUESTION was. Me = CLUELESS. Rich = Nervous. It was a great day and it started a whirl wind of a year of planning for the day in which we would become Mr. and Mrs. Rupanovic. My happily ever after WOULD come after all...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Who knew that it would be this hard?!
Here is part 2 to the "Adoption Journey" blogs that I will post:
After the surgery and after teaching for 2 years I decided to move to DC for graduate school at Gallaudet University. When I moved I was dating a guy that was...less than stellar and WAY LESS than I deserved! After breaking things off with him, my wonderful friend Sasha decided it was time for me to start dating and find someone worthy of my time and attention!
Sasha is the one responsible for Rich and I finding each other. She wrote my profile on Yahoo! Personals as well as the first email that was ever sent to Rich (on Feb 2, 2007):
Hey,
Introductions are kind of funny, aren't they? You don't know where to start but basically have to start from somewhere...Just wanted to say that your profile caught my eye.
Well...my name is Michelle, and I moved to Washington DC a few months ago, after teaching High School for two years, to further my education in Sign Language Interpretation. I was raised in Texas, so a Southern girl by heart but slowly being corrupted by the city lifestyle. :) Being here has been a lot of fun, I'm surrounded by a great group of friends and am extremely adventurous, however I haven't forgotten my roots- and that lies with my family, and unfortunately, according to my girls, some good country music and cowboy boots. I get made fun of for that. =) No really, I don't wear cowboy boots (often) but you get the drift right?!
Well, I'm going to go before I become Chatty Cathy..but hope to hear back from you soon, if you are interested.
~Michelle
Rich will tell you, he almost didn't respond because of the country music reference. Thankfully he did though! :) Our first date was on Friday, April 13, 2007. We had talked and emailed weekly from Feb-April and so we decided to meet face to face. He took me to Macaroni Grill for dinner (I can still remember where we sat, what we ordered and what we both were wearing that night). Despite me being late, thanks to DC traffic and a hair appointment gone bad...lets just say eggplant colored hair is not what you want for a first date!!!, we both had a good time. After dinner we went over to a pool hall down the road and spent more time talking and getting to know each other better.
While waiting for a pool table to open up we were deep in conversation about many things, the bulk of which was our families and our nieces and nephews. It was at this time I felt I needed to be honest with Rich. I asked him if he wanted children of his own, and as I suspected he said "yes". I decided now was the time to tell him for many reasons, the main one being that any relationship that had potential had to start out with honesty and we were both too old to be playing games. I didn't want this relationship to get serious and him not know the truth, if it was going to be a deal breaker it needed to be a deal breaker before it went too far! I know it took Rich by surprise but he will tell you that me being honest on that first date is one of the reasons he called me back, that it took courage and strength for me to be that open on the first date. That wasn't the only time that this would be an issue in our relationship.
I knew on our second date, at Match Box brick oven pizza in China Town (upstairs, tall table second from the window), I KNEW Rich was the man I was going to marry. We were talking and as I looked across the table at him I just knew, knew he was THE ONE. This realization didn't come as fast for Rich. Part of his struggle was that he had to know and be sure that he would be OK with not having his own biological children. I guess it was about four months into our relationship and Rich and I were at his house and I could tell something was bothering him. I asked him several times if he was OK and I would get the standard "yes" or "I'm fine". I knew, don't know how but I knew what was on his mind. I asked him point blank if it was bothering him that if we were to work out he would not have his own biological children.
It was through teary eyes that he honestly answered that question. After many tears and hugs and time in silence as well as discussing other options for having a family the night came to an end and I didn't know where we stood. I told him if he needed time away to think and figure it out for himself to let me know, he told me that he didn't need time away from me but did need time to think. Needless to say this hurt, no it stung and I felt my heart ripping to shreds. Here was this man, who I was falling in love with, could see a future with, who for the first time I felt would treat me the way I deserved and who shared goals and dreams of a future that I did, but he didn't know if he could be with me...
There were friends and family that I shared this with, who thought that it was cruel of him to be honest and say that to me. While it might have appeared that way to others, I didn't see it that way, I saw it as Rich being open and honest with me just as I had been with him on our first date. It hurt me just as much that first night as it probably did him the night he told me he was struggling with that fact. It did hurt, and it scared me, but I had to allow him the time to process the information. I had, at that point, 3 years to process and deal with the information. Rich deserved time as well, so I gave it to him. We went on dating but didn't address the issue of family unless he brought it up, I couldn't bear the thought of the possible let down or break up.
Throughout the next five months my mind and heart struggled with not knowing if this would be something that would come between Rich and I. My insecurities were enough without adding this fact into the mix, the fact that I would never be able to give the man I loved biological children of his own. It was a tough year for me, tougher than I think anyone ever realized. Many nights I would spend crying, wondering if this was meant to be and if I would get my "Happily Ever After" or if that was thrown away the same day as my surgery.
It was on my birthday 2007 that Rich told me those 3 little words I had been wanting to say to him, but dang well wasn't going to be the first to say them, for so long. It was at that moment that a part of my heart healed and knew that he had thought about and decided that he would be OK, that WE would be OK despite not having biological children of our own. Though my heart was still guarded and my mind was still thinking and analyzing, way more than it should have been, I was more hopeful than I had ever been that I too would have my happy ending. My happy ending would be with this man, the one I had fallen so hopelessly in love with.
Despite all this, and the joy that came with knowing that Rich loved me and was accepting the fact that I could not give him the biological children he had always dreamed of...I still couldn't get out of my head and still couldn't let the fear go that he might change his mind. He might leave me after all....
After the surgery and after teaching for 2 years I decided to move to DC for graduate school at Gallaudet University. When I moved I was dating a guy that was...less than stellar and WAY LESS than I deserved! After breaking things off with him, my wonderful friend Sasha decided it was time for me to start dating and find someone worthy of my time and attention!
Sasha is the one responsible for Rich and I finding each other. She wrote my profile on Yahoo! Personals as well as the first email that was ever sent to Rich (on Feb 2, 2007):
Hey,
Introductions are kind of funny, aren't they? You don't know where to start but basically have to start from somewhere...Just wanted to say that your profile caught my eye.
Well...my name is Michelle, and I moved to Washington DC a few months ago, after teaching High School for two years, to further my education in Sign Language Interpretation. I was raised in Texas, so a Southern girl by heart but slowly being corrupted by the city lifestyle. :) Being here has been a lot of fun, I'm surrounded by a great group of friends and am extremely adventurous, however I haven't forgotten my roots- and that lies with my family, and unfortunately, according to my girls, some good country music and cowboy boots. I get made fun of for that. =) No really, I don't wear cowboy boots (often) but you get the drift right?!
Well, I'm going to go before I become Chatty Cathy..but hope to hear back from you soon, if you are interested.
~Michelle
Rich will tell you, he almost didn't respond because of the country music reference. Thankfully he did though! :) Our first date was on Friday, April 13, 2007. We had talked and emailed weekly from Feb-April and so we decided to meet face to face. He took me to Macaroni Grill for dinner (I can still remember where we sat, what we ordered and what we both were wearing that night). Despite me being late, thanks to DC traffic and a hair appointment gone bad...lets just say eggplant colored hair is not what you want for a first date!!!, we both had a good time. After dinner we went over to a pool hall down the road and spent more time talking and getting to know each other better.
While waiting for a pool table to open up we were deep in conversation about many things, the bulk of which was our families and our nieces and nephews. It was at this time I felt I needed to be honest with Rich. I asked him if he wanted children of his own, and as I suspected he said "yes". I decided now was the time to tell him for many reasons, the main one being that any relationship that had potential had to start out with honesty and we were both too old to be playing games. I didn't want this relationship to get serious and him not know the truth, if it was going to be a deal breaker it needed to be a deal breaker before it went too far! I know it took Rich by surprise but he will tell you that me being honest on that first date is one of the reasons he called me back, that it took courage and strength for me to be that open on the first date. That wasn't the only time that this would be an issue in our relationship.
I knew on our second date, at Match Box brick oven pizza in China Town (upstairs, tall table second from the window), I KNEW Rich was the man I was going to marry. We were talking and as I looked across the table at him I just knew, knew he was THE ONE. This realization didn't come as fast for Rich. Part of his struggle was that he had to know and be sure that he would be OK with not having his own biological children. I guess it was about four months into our relationship and Rich and I were at his house and I could tell something was bothering him. I asked him several times if he was OK and I would get the standard "yes" or "I'm fine". I knew, don't know how but I knew what was on his mind. I asked him point blank if it was bothering him that if we were to work out he would not have his own biological children.
It was through teary eyes that he honestly answered that question. After many tears and hugs and time in silence as well as discussing other options for having a family the night came to an end and I didn't know where we stood. I told him if he needed time away to think and figure it out for himself to let me know, he told me that he didn't need time away from me but did need time to think. Needless to say this hurt, no it stung and I felt my heart ripping to shreds. Here was this man, who I was falling in love with, could see a future with, who for the first time I felt would treat me the way I deserved and who shared goals and dreams of a future that I did, but he didn't know if he could be with me...
There were friends and family that I shared this with, who thought that it was cruel of him to be honest and say that to me. While it might have appeared that way to others, I didn't see it that way, I saw it as Rich being open and honest with me just as I had been with him on our first date. It hurt me just as much that first night as it probably did him the night he told me he was struggling with that fact. It did hurt, and it scared me, but I had to allow him the time to process the information. I had, at that point, 3 years to process and deal with the information. Rich deserved time as well, so I gave it to him. We went on dating but didn't address the issue of family unless he brought it up, I couldn't bear the thought of the possible let down or break up.
Throughout the next five months my mind and heart struggled with not knowing if this would be something that would come between Rich and I. My insecurities were enough without adding this fact into the mix, the fact that I would never be able to give the man I loved biological children of his own. It was a tough year for me, tougher than I think anyone ever realized. Many nights I would spend crying, wondering if this was meant to be and if I would get my "Happily Ever After" or if that was thrown away the same day as my surgery.
It was on my birthday 2007 that Rich told me those 3 little words I had been wanting to say to him, but dang well wasn't going to be the first to say them, for so long. It was at that moment that a part of my heart healed and knew that he had thought about and decided that he would be OK, that WE would be OK despite not having biological children of our own. Though my heart was still guarded and my mind was still thinking and analyzing, way more than it should have been, I was more hopeful than I had ever been that I too would have my happy ending. My happy ending would be with this man, the one I had fallen so hopelessly in love with.
Despite all this, and the joy that came with knowing that Rich loved me and was accepting the fact that I could not give him the biological children he had always dreamed of...I still couldn't get out of my head and still couldn't let the fear go that he might change his mind. He might leave me after all....
Monday, March 7, 2011
Lets start at the very beginning...
I've been trying to figure out a way to blog about the adoption process. I have struggled with knowing where to start. I thought I didn't have anything to say, or not enough to say about it yet. After talking with a friend and after reading my Adoptive Families magazine this weekend I figured I could start at the very beginning and be completely candid about my feelings and the process I have gone through for the last several years, so here goes....
It all started when I was a freshman in college. I began having irregular periods. It only got worse from there. Fast forward through years of birth control and years of frustration, one day my period came and never left...for an entire year. After seeing several doctors and undergoing several procedures and trips to the operating room, there was still no end in sight. I was even referred to a fertility specialist. This specialist tried everything that she would have tried had I been a woman attempting to, and struggling with getting pregnant. Nothing worked. I was so over all of this I went back to my regular doctor and we discussed and decided that after 7 years of frustration it was time to consider my quality of life and we decided to do a hysterectomy. I had no way of knowing how infertility would effect my life, and in what ways.
This decision was a "no-brainer" until 6 days before my surgery. on June 10, 2004 my wonderful, fun loving nephew David was born. My kind-hearted sister-in-law, Natalie, allowed me to be in the delivery room with her, Mitch and my mom while David was born. This was the most beautiful and heart wrenching gift I have ever been given. I fell in love with that little man the instant I saw him. He was so tiny and so precious and it hit me like a ton of bricks that even if I wanted to give birth to my own children I would never be able to. There was no way around it, I would never be able to give birth and come the following week it was a done deal with no more attempts for "fixing" what the unknown problem was with my body.
That night, after a long emotional day in the hospital, my mom and I went to a local Mexican restaurant (Chuy's) and ordered dinner and margaritas. We both sobbed into our margaritas as I questioned my decision to go through with the hysterectomy. Even as I write this now, it is as raw of a feeling as it was that day. Though I know that there was no other decision to be made, no more tests to run or drugs to try, it hurt (and still does) that I would NEVER be able to have that beautiful moment my wonderful and loving brother and sister had just experienced, and allowed me to be a part of. There was no way I could NOT still have the surgery, it came down to a quality of life issue. I was 25 and my body had been put through hell trying to figure out what was causing these problems and still here I was 345 days into my "last menstrual period".
The surgery came and went, no problems there. After a night in the hospital, where I was visited by my brother who brought me a Bath and Bodywork's gift set and proceeded to put chap stick on me because my lips were dry :) , I was sent home. There it was, I wouldn't have to worry about having the problems that had ailed me for so long, not anymore.
December 29, 2005 it all came flooding back. My beautifully sassy niece, Blythe, was born. You would think that after 18 months I would be over the fact that I wouldn't be able to give birth and have my own biological children, you would be wrong. Blythe's birth hit harder than David's in many many ways. She was so precious and tiny and for reasons beyond my understanding she loves me more than I could ever hope for. Her birth sent me into another period of sadness and realization that this would never be me. Blythe is so special to me and I tease Natalie, now, that Blythe is a "mini-me". Bless Natalie's heart because Blythe is so much like I was at her age and we are both sassy and strong willed. Blythe had me, like David and Michael too, wrapped around her little tiny finger from the very first moment I saw her. We have a connection that I can't explain but am so very thankful for. With that wrap of the finger came pain that I hadn't let myself admit to feeling or process since the surgery and it hurt, hurt more than words can express. I am so thankful that, even though I can not give birth to any children, Mitch and Natalie allow me to be a part of David, Blythe and Michael's childhoods and watch them grow up and most of all, LOVE them with every fiber of my being!
So there it is, the first of a few emotional blogs to come on this journey I have been on for the last 13 years. I will post the next "chapter" soon...stay tuned for what's still to come. Much love and blessings to you all! Until the next post...
It all started when I was a freshman in college. I began having irregular periods. It only got worse from there. Fast forward through years of birth control and years of frustration, one day my period came and never left...for an entire year. After seeing several doctors and undergoing several procedures and trips to the operating room, there was still no end in sight. I was even referred to a fertility specialist. This specialist tried everything that she would have tried had I been a woman attempting to, and struggling with getting pregnant. Nothing worked. I was so over all of this I went back to my regular doctor and we discussed and decided that after 7 years of frustration it was time to consider my quality of life and we decided to do a hysterectomy. I had no way of knowing how infertility would effect my life, and in what ways.
This decision was a "no-brainer" until 6 days before my surgery. on June 10, 2004 my wonderful, fun loving nephew David was born. My kind-hearted sister-in-law, Natalie, allowed me to be in the delivery room with her, Mitch and my mom while David was born. This was the most beautiful and heart wrenching gift I have ever been given. I fell in love with that little man the instant I saw him. He was so tiny and so precious and it hit me like a ton of bricks that even if I wanted to give birth to my own children I would never be able to. There was no way around it, I would never be able to give birth and come the following week it was a done deal with no more attempts for "fixing" what the unknown problem was with my body.
That night, after a long emotional day in the hospital, my mom and I went to a local Mexican restaurant (Chuy's) and ordered dinner and margaritas. We both sobbed into our margaritas as I questioned my decision to go through with the hysterectomy. Even as I write this now, it is as raw of a feeling as it was that day. Though I know that there was no other decision to be made, no more tests to run or drugs to try, it hurt (and still does) that I would NEVER be able to have that beautiful moment my wonderful and loving brother and sister had just experienced, and allowed me to be a part of. There was no way I could NOT still have the surgery, it came down to a quality of life issue. I was 25 and my body had been put through hell trying to figure out what was causing these problems and still here I was 345 days into my "last menstrual period".
The surgery came and went, no problems there. After a night in the hospital, where I was visited by my brother who brought me a Bath and Bodywork's gift set and proceeded to put chap stick on me because my lips were dry :) , I was sent home. There it was, I wouldn't have to worry about having the problems that had ailed me for so long, not anymore.
December 29, 2005 it all came flooding back. My beautifully sassy niece, Blythe, was born. You would think that after 18 months I would be over the fact that I wouldn't be able to give birth and have my own biological children, you would be wrong. Blythe's birth hit harder than David's in many many ways. She was so precious and tiny and for reasons beyond my understanding she loves me more than I could ever hope for. Her birth sent me into another period of sadness and realization that this would never be me. Blythe is so special to me and I tease Natalie, now, that Blythe is a "mini-me". Bless Natalie's heart because Blythe is so much like I was at her age and we are both sassy and strong willed. Blythe had me, like David and Michael too, wrapped around her little tiny finger from the very first moment I saw her. We have a connection that I can't explain but am so very thankful for. With that wrap of the finger came pain that I hadn't let myself admit to feeling or process since the surgery and it hurt, hurt more than words can express. I am so thankful that, even though I can not give birth to any children, Mitch and Natalie allow me to be a part of David, Blythe and Michael's childhoods and watch them grow up and most of all, LOVE them with every fiber of my being!
So there it is, the first of a few emotional blogs to come on this journey I have been on for the last 13 years. I will post the next "chapter" soon...stay tuned for what's still to come. Much love and blessings to you all! Until the next post...
Friday, March 4, 2011
Bowling
To end the stressful week, Rich's boss arranged the afternoon away from the office. This afternoon the office and their spouses/families were invited out for a couple fun games of bowling.
You know how it goes, you walk in and you get the ever so fashionable bowling shoes:
See Steve? See Steve bowl?? NO? me either, my first attempt at an action shot ended in a blur
You know how it goes, you walk in and you get the ever so fashionable bowling shoes:
Who said there is an age limit on velcro shoes?? Loverly aren't they! I know you are jealous and are asking yourself "WHERE can I get a pair just like those?!" Kirltand Bowling Lanes has them in spades!!!
See Steve? See Steve bowl?? NO? me either, my first attempt at an action shot ended in a blur :(
This is Jill. I don't know how to interpret the look on her face!? I'm sure it is something not appropriate for children. After all, I am taking her picture as she is bowling...
Rich, making sure he has perfect form! ;)
Finally, an action shot of Steve. He told me I only had one shot and since that one shot (seen above) didn't work out so well I had to take what I could get without him knowing!
Of course the rest of the office was there too, they are all the others standing in the background of the pictures above. We were split into 3 different lanes and Jill, Steve, Rich and I were on lane 1. Sadly, that's all the pictures I got. I will be sure to take more at our next event. It was a fun afternoon!
This is Jill. I don't know how to interpret the look on her face!? I'm sure it is something not appropriate for children. After all, I am taking her picture as she is bowling...
Rich, making sure he has perfect form! ;)
Finally, an action shot of Steve. He told me I only had one shot and since that one shot (seen above) didn't work out so well I had to take what I could get without him knowing!
Of course the rest of the office was there too, they are all the others standing in the background of the pictures above. We were split into 3 different lanes and Jill, Steve, Rich and I were on lane 1. Sadly, that's all the pictures I got. I will be sure to take more at our next event. It was a fun afternoon!
Girls Night Out
This week was a very busy and stressful week for the guys. They had a 3 star General in from DC to discuss their program and other unknown topics.
On Tuesday, the office went to dinner at Sandiago's at the base of the Sandia Mountains. Since wives were not invited, Jill and I had our own night out.
Jill and I started our night off right, she ordered a raspberry lemon drop martini and I ordered the mai tai. They were a GREAT start to our evening out. Good times and good laughs followed for the rest of the night.
Pretty flowers from Jill
Steve works with Rich. Jill is Steve's wife. Jill and I met at one of the office gatherings that took place after Rich and I moved here.
For Super Bowl Sunday we invited Jill and Steve over to watch the game and have a low key "party" with just the four of us. Jill surprised me by bringing me a beautiful orchid. I have never owned one and I love it. It sits on the ledge between our shower and tub in our master bath. I love walking into our bathroom and seeing the new buds and watching them mature and eventually open. 
Thanks Jill for brightening up our bathroom! :)
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